A Cartoonish Life

....Zero actually sent me a message on Facebook?! What the hell is this about?

Z Daniel Esgate
Z Daniel EsgateSeptember 10, 2010 at 3:31am
Thanks for posting this, Ed!

Fuck Yeah! Support your scene!

The Wilmette is a nice, small theater. The atmosphere's more personal than what you'd expect at the Art or the Music Box. In my personal opinion, that's the funnest way to watch a show!

It'd be a first time exposure to another cast, for many of you. I can't stress strongly enough how important it is to the community as a whole to show that Rocky love.

....Oh. I see what u did thar. Nice effort, though, as long as it's for Rocky Horror.

Even though I'm not doing cast anymore, the interactions I had with him at the Art were civil, to say the least. One of the last shows I did, I kept a ladder from falling over on him backstage. He didn't thank me or anything. I expected as much. Bastard.


*tangent* Well, either my adapter for my TV/DVD player has take a crap, or I need to call DirecTV to do something about my service. The other night, I was re-adjusting wiring for the DVD player and the Blu-Ray player, and I don't know if I knocked something out of place, but now all I get is static. Like I have no DirecTV signal at all. But neither the DVD player nor the Blu-Ray player are working when I turn them on, so I suspect it's the adapter. I'll be making a trip to WalMart in about a half hour to see if I can get a new one.

Why do I need an adapter, you ask? I have an old-ish TV with a weird way of hooking up in the back that's not exactly compatible with current DVD players or my DirecTV wire. I could probably use a new digital TV, but I don't have the money for it right now. But I never bothered setting up my digital converter box because I've been making do with my DirecTV for the time being.

And why do I have a DVD player and a Blu-Ray player? The DVD player has a VCR attached to it. Why do I still bother with a VCR? Because I still have a shit-ton of VHS tapes, that's why.


*tangent* It's Kevin's birthday today. :) I still gotta make him his cookies.

Lorelai needs to see a shrink. I don't care if she gave that "bumper" speech last night, it still doesn't redeem her in my eyes.

If she doesn't want Luke anymore, I'll take him. And I hope Rory gives Lorelai the smackdown of her life regarding what she did.

To me, though, it kind of reeks of the whole deal with me shutting Zero out because of the whole Kristen thing. But you know...I shouldn't have to apologize for my actions, and if it means we can't be friends anymore, then it just does. I got tired of him raining on my parade, rubbing salt in my wound, leading me on just to let me down. And if he can't understand that, then screw him.

I don't understand Zero at all. If he was all so concerned about staying friends, he would've made more of an effort to bridge the fucking gap. He would've called. He would've sent me an email. But no. I go make a MySpace post about what a shitty day I've had in Gary and the school parking lot, and he responds with a stupid joke about Deep River Waterpark. No "Sorry you had a shitty day and your shoes got wet and you nearly got flooded in at IUN." A stupid joke. Like it makes me feel better. Uh, no it didn't.

He knows I'm upset with him. I've told him why I'm upset with him. I don't know if he feels bad about it or not (Feel bad about it? Hell no, he's Zero Phoenix, pompous egomaniac-asshole extraordinare! Why should he feel bad?), and I don't feel I should have to apologize for why I've been freezing him out and not talking to him and up and quitting Rocky the way I did. He knows why. I shouldn't have ti spell it out for him because we've been through this before. He wanted to mess around with me and lead me on the way he did, then not even consider a chance with me, drop it all for Kristen (AGAIN) and totally not even introduce her to me or anything once she joined cast (probably because he knew I'd get pissed at him for pulling this crap again). It's like rubbing salt in the wound. Friends don't treat each other like that.

It's really ironic because I was thinking about the whole stupid situation and actually contemplating trying to get in touch with him and burying the hatchet (AGAIN)...and I really don't feel like he deserves it. I don't want to apologize. I shouldn't have to apologize. I want an apology from him. But I know that'll never happen. Is this a friendship that can be saved? In my opinion....maybe. Probably not, I should know better. But he'd have to quit being such an asshole and start respecting me as a person a little more.

Gonna take a long time for me to ever be completely happy. And I don't know how to start.

I don't know why I let my emotions & bad attitude get the better of me sometimes...or the majority of the time anyway. Yes, maybe I have been a bitch. And please, in the future, for anyone out there reading this, if I ever turn into a self-destructive bitch who does nothing but whine & complain all of the time, LET ME KNOW. Don't let it go on. I like to be let known so it doesn't go on & I can give myself an attitude check.

Do I think Zero's been treating me like shit? Well...yeah. Do I think I've been a bitch to him? I don't think. I know I have. People hurt me, & I give attitude. And now he's going to turn it around & make it sound like he's the good guy (of course) & I'm the one who's being so mean to him. And yeah. I have been mean to him. But you know, that's what you get when you flaunt your girlfriend around & it feels like he's rubbing salt in the wound. Yes, I once had those kind of feelings for him, a long time ago. Yes, he hurt me once over it, & I got over it. At least I think I did. I don't know. It hurt me so badly, I don't know if I'll ever be 100% over it.

It's a bunch of stupid jealousy issues & mind-games. That's what it is.

It really sucks when you lose a friend due to them totally alienating you all of the time. I've been through it before, millions of times while I was still in elementary school & middle school & high school, & it really shouldn't bother me as much as it does.

But I've had it. I've had it with him treating me like absolute shit & being a really bad excuse for a friend. And now I think he gets it. He says he's lost me to work & anger. Wow. Good for him to recognize it.

Is it just me? Is it my innate jealousy streak? Or are people in general just too self-involved (me included) to give a care anymore & be altruistic? I don't know.