hollybrooke | "Starbright Pt. 3: Rising Star"

It's a new year, and I promise to bring you "Jem" snark EVERY FREAKIN' WEEK! This is THE year of Living Outrageously!! And if I keep it up, I should have the majority of the show done over the course of 2010!!! Life is great!

Previously on "Jem":

--Jerrica sold her soul to Eric Raymond so she (as Jem) could stay in the stinkin' movie (even though the Misfits have taken over) because Ba'Nee really needs that eye surgery
--The Misfits made Jem's (and the other Holograms') life hell on the movie set
--Rio got annoyed that Jem decided to do the movie after all and voiced his opinion to Jerrica, who promptly put him in his place
--Jem nearly suffered a life-threatening stunt-related accident on the movie set because Eric is a cheap bastard; Rio saved her life regardless and went back to macking on her
--Video caught footage of the accident and will submit the tape to the film union if any more mishaps happen. Or Jeff Wright will. Either one of them. They both seemed pretty angry that it even happened in the first place. Jem was willing to write it off just to stay in the film. And Rio got on her ass about that.
--Kimber kept pining for closet-case Nick Mann; Nick Mann kept up the act that he's got the hots for Jem but kept pining for Jeff Wright instead.
--Clash and Roxy caused a motorcycle explosion stunt to go off at the wrong time, putting Kimber in harm's way
--Oh, and Jerrica still hasn't told Rio that she's really Jem

CUE THE THEME SONG!!!

Kimber's in the crosshairs of the motorcycle/explosion stunt gone haywire because of Clash and Roxy being destructive skanks. Jerrica's upset, and Jeff Wright--being a hunky, heroic stunt double and all--goes in on his motorcycle to save Kimber. And you know, I wish they had shown more of Jeff Wright on the show because of this, because he is AWESOME. He whisks Kimber away to the first-aid unit to get her checked out, giving that prick Nick a dirty look. Nick's pissed because Jeff just upstaged him. Yah, well, maybe you should start doing your own stunts, asshole. But Aja tells him off anyway.

While waiting for Kimber in the first-aid unit, Jerrica ducks out of sight, fiddles with her earrings and says, ~~"HEY HEY HEY! It's FAAAT Albert!"~~ "Showtime Synergy," and turns into Jem, because she's got some bitchin' to do. And just in time, because Eric has flounced onto the set, spouting off all sorts of important directorial clichés to make himself look and sound more important than he is. (HA, this movie's such a joke!) Jem demands to know who was responsible for Kimber's accident. It's one thing for Jem to risk her ass for this movie, but now that her sister's been a near casualty, it's serious business. (I mean, Jerrica's lost both her mom and her dad; she doesn't need to lose her sister, too.) Jem blames Eric for being a piss-poor director. Since it really wasn't Eric's fault (for once!) but he doesn't want to take responsibility for it, he blames the stunt technician. The stunt technician's all, "HELL to the naw! It was that fugly broad with the cymbal bracelets!"

*shudders*

Clash denies anything, but the Misfits aren't exactly sticking up for their pathetic lackey. Clash, you fail at life.

Jem tells Eric off and quits. "For good, this time!" Shana and Aja follow in suit. Rio grabs Eric menacingly and tells him Jem let him off easy, but lays off before he throws a punch (and you know you want Rio to, anger management problems be damned!). Georgia the makeup artist is all, "Oh, Jem's just spouting off again, what a primadonna diva." Manuel, the....whatever he is, doesn't agree. He's tired of the unprofessional behavior from Eric as well, so he quits, too. As do some other stagehands. Except for that dumbass Georgia, who has her head so far up the Misfits' ass (not as far as Clash's, though) that she believes everything they tell her about Jem.

Pizzazz is all, "Screw them! We'll scrap whatever junk we've already filmed and just start over! We can. My daddy's loaded and will give me whatever I want!" Heh heh heh, you know this won't go well.

Over in the first-aid unit, Kimber's recovering from her accident. She's not injured or anything. (Thank God, although if she were, do you really think Jerrica would be slapping Eric Raymond or the Misfits with a lawsuit or anything? Especially since she didn't do jack shit over Eric embezzling money from Starlight Music and practically running the business into the ground while she wasn't around? Jerrica's kind of dumb like that. But then again, she conveniently keeps putting off telling Rio that SHE'S REALLY JEM!!!) Kimber thanks Jeff for rescuing her and apologizes for treating him like crap. He tells her he'd ride through fire for her. Awwwwwwww.

That night at Starlight Mansion, Jerrica reads Ba'Nee a bedtime story. What's she reading? Alice In Wonderland. Ba'Nee's eyesight is rapidly deteriorating, as the blurred filter on Jerrica at 4:45 would indicate. :( Even sadder is that Ba'Nee holds out hope that Jem will pull through for her and help her get that surgery. Even though she just quit the film. Which Ba'Nee doesn't know about. This seems to be the leitmotif in Jerrica's life, letting certain people know crucial information and keeping them in the dark. *cough*RIO*cough* But it's understandable why she doesn't want to tell Ba'Nee this. Ba'Nee's just an eight year old; she doesn't want to let her down.

There's a meeting that night at the Mansion with Jem, the Holograms, and everyone else who quit the Misfits' movie. They decide to go the indie film route and make their own damn movie. Because if Kevin Smith and Trey Parker could do it, so can Jem. But Jem can do anything; she's freaking Jem. Here's what's unrealistic, though. Everyone volunteers to work for free. They're working on a shoestring budget and on donated equipment and stuff. But who cares? Starbright lives!

*sniff sniff* You know what I smell? A music video.

I love how in the video, the working title of the movie is Jem: The Movie. And let's be realistic here. Do they realized how long it takes to make a movie from start to finish? Initial filming (if they're working as quick and on a budget like they are) might take a few weeks (I seem to remember in the Clerks commentary Kevin Smith saying that they shot the actual film within three weeks), but with editing and post-production work, it takes quite a while to complete. Ba'Nee will be completely blind before they know it.

And I gotta be honest. That is my least favorite Jem and the Holograms video. Sorry.

While Video is filming exterior shots of the Mansion, that pathetic Misfits' wannabe cousin of hers drives up to confirm the rumors that Jem's pressing forward with their own movie. Video tells Clash to tell the Misfits "that Jem and the Holograms are going to make you look like the phone trash that you are." Clash relays this message to the Misfits. Of course, they're outraged, but over "phony trash"? Sheesh, Video could've chosen a worse insult to tick the Misfits off. Then again, this is a kids' show. I just replace "phony trash" with something like "trashy skanks" in my mind. Regardless, the Misfits recruit their trained monkey to infiltrate Jem's movie and do some damage. But first, they have Georgia give her a "makeunder" so no one suspects a thing. (Yet they tell Georgia that Clash is going in for a screentest.)

8:07 HA HA. Georgia sprays something in Clash's hair to turn it blonde. Yeah right, that's realistic. Ya gotta bleach that shit out, honey. But afterward, Clash has changed from fugly broad to girl next door.

Meanwhile, Lin-Z Pierce is interviewing the cast and crew of Starbright (I guess they realized Jem: The Movie was a bad title choice) at Starlight Music for VTV News. Howard Sands and Anthony Julian get some words in. And yes, Rio is in this movie as "Johnny Danger, a selfish rocker. But Jem teaches him how to share." LMAO, no really. He says this. Kimber says that they've written a dozen new songs for the movie: "They're OUTRAGEOUS!" (Take a drink.) So I guess Starbright is supposed to be like Purple Rain?

SCREW YOU, PRINCE. I'M SHOWING THIS ANYWAY!!!!!!

But anyway, all the proceeds from Starbright will be going towards the Starlight Foundation.

Back on the new set for the revamped Misfits' movie, The Misfits Hit It Big, the set is dressed to look like a jungle, with lions and leopards and tigers and cheetahs and orangutangs. Eric is having a shitfit with all the lavish animals that's eating up their expenses. Pizzazz doesn't care; it's her film that's being made to indulge her, with her daddy's money.

MUSIC VIDEO TIME.

Why do the Misfits get the cool music videos? Oh, BTW, the Misfits did this before Guns 'N Roses did:

Back the the show. Pizzazz leaps into Nick Mann's arms. A lion growls and a frightened Nick topples in the "jungle lagoon" with Pizzazz. She calls him a gutless jerk for doing so. He was probably frightened by her scary makeup job. Nick--sick of it all--walks off the set. Eric reminds him he's under contract, but Nick was contracted to work with Jem. OH SURE, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT JEM, ISN'T IT?! Pizzazz refrains from having a hissy fit (this time...) and is all, "We'll just find someone else."

On location of shooting Starbright, Jeff is blocking a fight scene with Rio as "badass rocker Johnny Danger" (who looks pretty hot as a rocker, IMHO), and some other dude. And then a "friend of a friend of Jem's" (Clash) sneaks onto the set and rips off some filming equipment and costumes.

Back on the Misfits' movie set, the Misfits are just being picky bitches. Pizzazz hates Georgia's makeup skills (hey, she can't work miracles!) and insults her, so Georgia finally quits. The Misfits hate their new wardrobe for the film; terrible fit and sub-par fabrics. But Eric Raymond's a cheap-ass, what did they expect? They hate their set changes and proceed to trash the set. The set dresser quits. Eric warns Pizzazz that that was the tenth person to walk off the set that day alone. (WOW, it's gotten pretty bad over thar, hasn't it?) And Pizzazz is all, "That's YOUR problem." HA HA, it's funny because it's true!

Cut back to the Starbright set. Jeff feels the footage from Jem's accident should be submitted to the film union anyway, so he gives it to Video to be dropped off. Clash discovers this, and I guess she realizes this means the tape she thought she had erased the previous episode wasn't the accident tape after all. (DERP!) So while Video's back is turned, Clash attempts to steal the contents of Video's bag (because she's probably broke on top of it all). At this point, Georgia shows up on the Starbright set and apologizes to Jem for trash-talking her, and wants her job back with them. Not like Jem needs a makeup artist, but since Jem is a sweet saint, she doesn't mind.

NOW everyone starts noticing that equipment and costumes are missing. But since Georgia gave Clash her makeunder, she spots disguised Clash immediately and calls attention to her before she picks anymore pockets on the movie set. Clash books it for her car and takes off. Jem and the Holograms jump in the Rockin' Roadster and chase after her. Rio, Video and Jeff get in a big green monster truck (????) to trail them. Then the high-speed chase nearly leads the Holograms straight into a semi-truck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!

Maxie fills me with so much RAGERAGERAGE. Just thought I'd mention... (Hardcore "Jem" fans will know why.)

Back to the show. The Roadster just misses the semi-truck. Back to chasing Clash. To catch up with Clash, Jem has Synergy project a hologram of a fallen tree in front of Clash's car. (Synergy has some practical use after all....) And the staging of this on the cartoon is pretty cool, because it shows Clash skidding to a stop from three different angles. Kind of "24" style. The tree hologram disappears in time for Rio and the others to block Clash from going off. So she gets out of her car and just books it. Jem, the Holograms, Video and Jeff raid Clash's car for all the stolen stuff. Jeff now decides to deliver the accident footage tape to the film union himself, because those Misfits are going to pay.

On the Misfits' movie set....why Clash bothers to tell the Misfits that she botched things up is beyond me, because predictably, Pizzazz has a patented shit-fit. And she breaks some guitars in the process. Like any bad-ass rockstar does.

Back to Starbright, they're filming a romantic love scene with Jem and "Johnny." (And Jem's wearing that god-awful orange and green dress that just doesn't go with her pink hair AT ALL. Yuck.) Jem and Rio are about to kiss when that dickhead Nick Mann bursts on the set "to save them from amateurs." Jem considers this, and Kimber objects, and Anthony is all, "But we shot half the movie with Rio as the main lead!" Before Rio loses his tempter, Jem says that they could find a bit part for Nick.

And since everyone else is working for free, he'd have to, as well. Nick HATES the idea of not being the lead and getting ridiculously overpaid. And that Rio really seems to be into Jem, too. So he walks out. Everyone's happy!

Back to the Misfits' movie set (AGAIN!). Pizzazz is basking in the awesomeness that is her. Really, she's filming a scene for their movie, but I don't think she's acting. Then the shit hits the fan when all the reps from different unions invade the film studio. The producers' guild slaps Eric with fines for misconduct on a movie set. The stuntmen's union slaps him with fines for hazardous working conditions and not properly utilizing stunt doubles or safety nets. The directors' guild slaps Eric with fines for no guild approval to direct the damn movie (and considering that he is SERIOUSLY not qualified to do so). And the photographers' union slaps Eric fines for....oh, whatever. EVERYONE HATES ERIC RAYMOND. Eric's all, "Damn, we'll never get this movie done now!" Doesn't matter; the Misfits don't want to work anymore than they absolutely have to. Now THAT'S the American way!!

And Jem and the Holograms are wrapping up their movie, which gives us one more music video op:

0:19 WOW, I didn't think Jem would resort to lip-synching!
0:22 Yes, I love this. We don't get very much Rio/Jerrica love on the show.

And this song gives me such a Debbie Gibson vibe.

At the wrap party for The Misfits Hit It Big, Pizzazz is raving about what a masterpiece it is. Then DADDY DEAREST storms in. Eric leaves Pizzazz to deal with her dad on her own. Harvey tells his daughter that Eric racked up lots of fines and other financial debts because of how grossly overbudget the movie ran. MILLIONS overbudget. Pizzazz is all, "So what?" Harvey chews her a new one, telling Pizzazz, "Indulging you is one thing, but losing this much money is inexcusable!" Harvey sells Howard Sands the studio back. And the Misfits are REALLY up shit creek now.

Then the day of Ba'Nee's eye surgery comes. And it's come to this. Jerrica has had to submit the Starlight Mansion as collateral for the surgery. So Starbright REEEEALLY has to turn a profit now so the girls can keep a roof over their heads.

And then movie night comes. EVERYONE HATES THE MISFITS' MOVIE! People stream out of the theater, claiming they just lost two hours of their lives. One fan is all, "Jem wasn't even in this!" So they all go to see Starbright instead, and everyone predictably loves it.

In the end, Jerrica receives a check for the movie's first profits. $250,000 even. (And for you "Jem" trivia nerds, what's Howard Sands' middle initial?) Jerrica has Aja go deposit the check, because she has a special screening of the movie to see with someone who can actually see it now. (awwww....)

SORRY, I know my snarks are usually better. But I'm kind of pressed for time! I gotta get ready for work! Byeeeee!