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hollybrookeAlso known as "Megan Wants a Millionaire."
Yeah, remember that horrendous skank? Apparently, she knew who to blow at VH1 and 51 Minds, because now she has her very own reality show! God help us all! And guess who will be doing the honors of snarking this series? Moi!
"But Holly, why would you even want to watch this show? You hated Megan Hauserman more than you hated Lacey Connor!" Yes, I know, I know. "Why didn't you snark on New York's show, or Real and Chance's show, or Daisy's show?" Lemme explain. I had no desire to ever watch a bunch of men duke it out for New York. Real and Chance--like I said, never watched "I Love New York." And as for Daisy? She's just flat-out irritating. Megan managed to spark as much rage in me as Lacey did on "Charm School." She's catty and snotty and bitchy and manipulative. I don't get how she has any fans, and I don't understand why any man would want to spoil her rotten. For crying out loud, she's a REALITY SHOW STAR. She's D-list, at best. But I guess I'm watching this because I know I'll have a fun time making fun of her and her suitors. And I know you, the reader of this blog, will have a fun time reading this!
Now, before I get to the show, let me have you watch a music video to get into the mood of this show:
Oh, Megan, Megan, how do we know of her? Like I said, she's a reality show star. She was on "Beauty and the Geek" on the WB. She tried winning over Bret Michaels' heart on "Rock of Love 2." She tried winning a bunch of money on "I Love Money." And she really didn't do anything to try to change her petty, catty ways on "Charm School." Gee, she's not good at anything, is she? Well, she still wants love. And money, too. Can't forget that. Because that's the prospect of this show. Remember back on "Charm School" when she told one of the coaches that she envisioned herself as a "top of the line trophy wife"? Yeah, I know, I rolled my eyes in disgust at that, too. A TROPHY WIFE. What little girl actually wants to be something like that in this day and age? And what young woman actually wants to pursue this pathetic dream? God, you know, she could do something much more with her life. But no. Megan Hauserman is a shallow young woman who just wants to live the good life without actually putting in any effort to earn it. It's sad, really.
If any guy wants to date Megan, they can, of course. You just need.....*dun dun DUN!*......
ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Uh....just a million? *heh* I'm sure if you've seen Austin Powers, you know that a million dollars really isn't a whole lot of money these days. (I mean, it is, don't get me wrong, especially given the recession and if you live in Hicksville, Indiana like I do.) So Megan's actually selling herself kind of cheap, don't ya think? These guys need to have a net worth of at least a million American dollars for Megan to even consider dating them. And VH1 managed to round up seventeen men who claim they are worth a cool million to vie for Megan's heart. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA, typing that last sentence made me laugh so hard! VH1 also sprung for a....ahem, "mansion" for Megan and these guys to stay in for the duration of this show (it only takes them two weeks to film these things), and for Niles, the portly concierge/butler with a British accent who narrates the show. Yes.. This show is way more classier than New York's and Daisy's because Megan gets a narrator.
You know, so his Robin Leech-ish voice gives the show that "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" feel.
So here come the guys to the "mansion."
(I want to Google all of these guys and see if they're really worth what they claim.) Megan thinks TJ looks very "debonair." When she hears that he makes vodka, she's all, "Oh! I love vodka!" The way she says this....ugh. I thought I couldn't stand how Daisy de la Hoya spoke, but Megan takes the cake. She has this very insincere, almost condescending tone that she tries to soften by speaking like a baby doll. Kind of like Paris Hilton, if I could best describe it.
The next guy to arrive is Shaun, who is an exotic car customizer.
ONLY two million? For a guy who pimps out rides? Aim higher, Megan! But you can tell she's semi-attracted to him, so I'm putting my money on him as one of the final three.
The next suitor to arrive is "Big Mike."
Frankly, I think "private investor" probably means he works for the Mob. Niles mentions in the voice over that they really didn't bother asking for his credentials, but he's allegedly worth $2 million. Whoopie shit. Tony Montana was worth more than that.
"I bury those cock-a-roaches."
The next guy who arrives....is Garth.
He pops out of the limo wearing this tacky red and yellow windbreaker and a tacky bowler-style hat, and something tells me that he just might be a bad Jewish stereotype. But I give props to Garth for pointing out Megan's lazy eye in his interview! He still thinks she's hot. Sorry, Garth, but lazy eyes are NOT hot. They're just wonky and distracting. So what does Garth do? He's a plumber, believe it or not! He owns his own plumbing business, and is allegedly worth $2.5 million. I automatically like Garth, but I don't think he'll win. Megan won't want to associate herself with a man who fixes toilets. Megan's all, "No millionaire is perfect, but there's always room for improvement." NO! You keep Garth the way he is! I already like him! He's got character!
Onto the next guy named Joe. He's essentially a trust fund baby. *gag* The worst kind of "millionaire" there is. He doesn't do anything for his money, really. He rests on his parents' laurels. Spoiled, lazy rich kid with an overinflated ego and a shameful sense of entitlement. And he has the same snide-sounding laugh that Megan has! These two are PERFECT for each other! Oh, and one of the first things out of his mouth when he meets Megan is, "I have to go to the bathroom." Oh-kay, TMI.
OH GOD, the next guy. His name is Donald. He's a movie producer. He's also kind of older, balding, portly, wears coke-bottle glasses and...I can't even describe his nose. It's the kind of nose that screams "I'M CREEPY!":
He's also allegedly worth $2 million. He thinks Lily (Megan's "retarded chihuahua"...yes, she still has poor Lily) is cute, and leans in to give her (Lily) a kiss. And Lily's all....
LOL, that dog kinda looks like Lily, too! Sadly, I think that's the most action poor Donald will be getting tonight.
The next guy that arrives is Alex, who is only described as a "swinger." And he's worth $3.5 million. (I think he's a gigolo.) Meh. The next guy is named James, and he's actually kind of cute. He's 25, and Megan calls him a "baby," which is his description. He's allegedly worth $4 million. I'd sure like to know why he's worth $4 million!
The next guy introduces himself as "Audi." Yes, like the car.
I guess he's part Cherokee or something, but his description is "the Big Dog," but I'm going to call him Car Man anyway because he's named after a fucking automobile company, and he's allegedly worth $1.1 million. (I say "allegedly" for all of these characters because....remember that guy Rick Rockwell? The guy who Darva Conger married on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" on FOX a long while back? Turns out he only had $750,000 in liquid assets and a net worth just more than $2 million. So yeah, Megan, 51 Minds and VH1 really better be up on these guys' resources.)
The next guy who enters is Al, "the nervous guy," who's allegedly worth $5.5 million. He doesn't say much, "Nice to finally meet ya." Oh-kay....
The next guy who shows up is HELLA FINE. He introduces himself as Sheray (I guess that's how it's spelled), but you can call him "The Punisher." Why? I guess he'll end up showing us why later on.
I bet he's either a personal trainer, or a body builder. Or a sex freak. Or he does something so lucrative that he has the time to make sure he's in shape. Whatever. I don't care. He's HELLA FINE.
Moving on to "Sex Toy Dave." THIS guy earns the most out the rest of them, and I believe him. He's an "Internet Entrepreneur," and he's allegedly worth $9.5 million. I believe it! He claims to be in charge of the largest distributor of sex toys online. Do you realize how many people buy sex toys online without feeling the embarrassment of walking into a specialty store for that stuff?! And he makes major bank off of it, too! AWESOME!
No, you are not "Sex Toy Dave" anymore. You are CHODA BOY.
The next guy is Matt, and he's a pro-wrestler allegedly worth $5.5 million. YEAH, RIGHT. No pro-wrestler is worth that much! If he is, how come I've never seen or heard of him? The majority of pro-wrestlers don't earn anything close to that. Hell, I don't think even Triple H or John Cena really earn that, and they're the big stars being pushed on WWE right now. And I think they earn a lot of their cash through endorsement deals. So yeah, I call bullshit on you, Matt.
The next guy is David, the "world traveler." But what do you do to be worth $2.2 million? Megan likes the idea of world travel, though. Then there's Corey, "the hot shot," who's worth $5 million. Uninteresting.
And then there's Francisco. Fran-SISS-co. (Yeah, I was totally thinking of Elf, too.) He's the "Latin lover" who's originally from Columbia, and he's worth $2 million. I bet he's a drug dealer.
One more guy--Ryan. He's Canadian! He whispers in Megan's ear, "I hope you like Canadian bacon, eh?" (LOL, okay, he didn't say "eh." I threw that in there.) He's referred to as "the Smooth Operator," but I'll just call him the Canadian Guy. And he's allegedly worth $2.5 million.
Seventeen "millionaires" is a lot of men for one woman to handle, right? So Megan has recruited two of her ditzy, blonde friends to help her with this search--CeeCee:
Yes, that says "Cecil," but her name is Cecilia, but we'll call her CeeCee. She's kind of ugly, if you ask me. If you don't know who the hell she is, she was on "Beauty and the Geek" the same season Megan was on.
And.......oh God, don't tell me........no way......
BRANDI C. IS BACK. I'm surprised that Megan has actual "friends" from the past reality shows she's been on, where, you know, you don't go to make friends, you go to WIN. Which Megan hasn't done yet. But who cares? Brandi C. is back, and she doesn't have her pink hair anymore from "Charm School." I wonder if she's changed any since "Charm School" and has retained whatever she learned back there. Probably not.
Three blondes.....well, this will keep the blonde bimbo quota filled until the new season of "The Girls Next Door" starts with Hugh Hefner's new girlfriends. She brings CeeCee and Brandi C. to meet the guys, and DONALD automatically recognizes Brandi C. (I'm not surprised, he's probably watched her sex tape.) Megan and her cronies lead the guys into the living room, where there are a bunch of shopping bags in there. Is she going to show them her latest Prada purchase that she's earned on her REALITY SHOW WHORE salary? No, she wants to have each guy tell her a little bit about themselves, and then she'll give them a special gift. "You know, from my heart," she says, but not without adding that traditional little smug laugh she always inserts after she speaks.
Joe is the first. He's a trust fund baby (WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?), and something about him totally sets off my gaydar. His gift? A sparkly piggy bank. How appropriate.
Next is David. He is "the premiere financial criminalist in the world." What does that mean, that he robs banks? "When someone steals millions of dollars, I'm the go-to guy and don't you forget about it." .....Yeah, that made it sound like he's pretty much a thief. Anyhoo, Megan gives him a globe, because his job requires him to travel a lot and he does a lot of jet-setting. Yeah, I rolled my eyes at that, too. Car-Man Audi thinks David is a kiss-ass.
"The Punisher" claims to be a real estate investor, but then he also says he's pretty much made his money as a male exotic dancer.
Yeah, fo sho. Megan's all, "He must be good at it. Reeeeally good," with this big shit-eating grin on her face. What does Punisher get? A thong. Like he doesn't have hundreds of those already.
Next is Choda Boy Dave, who gets a pair of furry hand cuffs. Which Megan probably purchased from him online. Megan notes that he's kind of a small guy, but hey, that don't mean he probably ain't packin'. Judge not by his size, but how he works the merchandise.
Next is Fran-cis-co, who mentions that he would love to cook for Megan. So she gives him an apron with a picture of her on it that says, "The Missing Ingredient." Original. Classy. Shaun gets a key, which I guess is to Megan's heart. LAME. Alex gets what looks like a cheap knockoff of Hugh Hefner's smoking jacket. "Big Mike," who claims to be a professional bodyguard (for the Mob, I guess...he's gotta be, if he's earning millionaire-status bucks), gets a....teddy bear? Because he's a Big Softie? Whatever, Megan.
Next is Matt, the "pro-wrestler." Megan calls him "Nacho Libre." Oh Matt, don't fool me. If you're a pro-wrestler, you're probably working VFW halls and earning $50 to $100 a pop for appearances, and maybe I'll see you wrestle for TNA if you're lucky. (Hey, anyone else who reads this and knows their wrestlers better than I do....I'm looking directly at you,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
supermachodude, who the hell is this guy?) So Megan gets him what looks like a riding crop. I think Megan just wants some kinky sex, not a "millionaire."
Then here comes "Nervous Al." Megan tries holding his hand, but Al gets all Techrat on us and is all, "Don't touch me!" Tell me this isn't awkward. Megan got him some massage oil. You know, to try to loosen him up? Good luck.
Then Megan gives TJ "the Vodka King" his gift: a framed picture of her! Isn't it amazing? Megan's just so breathtaking....ly tacky. It's just as tacky as when Holly Madison gave her friends the Holly bobblehead on "The Girls Next Door"!
Next is Audi, "the Big Dog." Which is what he prefers to be called, probably because people make fun of the fact that he's named after a CAR. The other suitors think he's kind of abrasive and low-brow, and David goes so far to call him "blue-collar." Man, talk about snobby! So he gets a picture of a "Little Dog," namely Lily. Dumb. I guess it's the thought that counts? I would've given him this:
James is another freaking trust fund baby who doesn't even have his riches yet. He'll get it all when his grandfather kicks it. It's like he's expecting his grandpa to kick it so he can be stinkin' rich. What a turd. So what does Megan give him?
Dammit, I want a Wonka bar now. Those things are AWESOME.
Next is Garth the plumber! Megan's all, "Do you know how to fix pipes?" Hello, double entendre! In her interview, she's all, "He's not just the owner, he's the actual plumber," and makes this face. See? I told you. She won't want to be with a guy who fixes toilets for a living, even if it is a lucrative business that everyone eventually needs. Megan gets him a tool belt, which I guess makes sense. But I think I'll call Garth "Super Mario" instead.
Ryan describes himself as a "charming bad boy," so Megan give him a pimp cup. Then...Donald. Oh, Donald, he's a piece of work. He calls Megan "Meg" like he's already chummy with her, and claims he's got superpowers like he can mesmerize her into falling in love with him. Good luck with that, Donald; you'll need super powers to do so, because judging from the look on Megan's face, she's automatically creeped out by him. He's an obsessed Megan stan-slash-fanboy.
Why is always the girls named MEGAN attract guys like this? So he's a movie producer. Megan likes the idea of being in movies. Donald tells her that if he knew her when he did Chainsaw Cheerleaders 1, she'd be on the poster. YEAH, he makes crappy B-movies! He must be a millionaire! Megan's not sure she can get over the 100% lack of attraction to him. She can only fake it so long in the bedroom, ya know.
Corey promises Megan that he can get her on the red carpet to movie premieres, because he's one of those guys behind the scenes that can make it happen. I think he's something like an "assistant to the stars," like that one guy Carrie Bradshaw dated when she was in LA and ended up sleeping with the dude in Carrie Fisher's house. Megan gives him a crown. She might as well have given him a paper Burger King crown, to be quite honest.
Now that she's given them their gifts, she lets them know that she can't keep them all tonight and will have to let three go. Now it's time for the traditional mixer that comes with the intro episode to these specials. Meh. "Car Man" Audi isn't really articulate when it comes to conversing with Megan, unfortunately. David kisses her ass, and promises Megan that they'll travel a lot and do plenty of shopping, which sounds perfectly fine for her pampered ass. I think he's putting on airs to make himself look more important than what he really is. While Megan is still in...well, "awe" that Punisher is a millionaire stripper, Fran-SIS-co unbuttons his shirt to show just how hot he is. And he is! Then Punisher startsstripping taking his clothes off as well to reveal....a big tattoo on his stomach? Nope, it's a birthmark. Megan remarks in her interview that it looks like half of Cuba.
This reminds me of the part in The Blair Witch Project when they talk about the one dude's sporadic body hair growth in the shape of Uruguay.
Outside, Brandi and CeeCee are chatting up Al and trying to encourage him to get to know her better. So Al goes up to Megan and offers to use the massage oil on her. "Super Mario" is trying to get in on the action, but Al's all, "Mine, no touchee." Doesn't matter, because "Super Mario" is watching Al try to woo Megan over. Al then tries to break out his "dog jaw." What the hell? He has Megan touch some spot on his jaw, and he kind of snaps at her like a dog (I guess?), and she accidentally spills her champagne over her cheap polyester purple dress!
Wait a minute, tha's awfully familiar-looking...
THANK YOU SHARON OSBOURNE!!! Megan is distraught and upset that her beautiful dress and expensive extensions and makeup are ruined, and runs away crying over it. What a freaking BABY. Crying over spilled champagne is NOT attractive, Megan. (If this happened to Daisy de la Hoya, she'd probably just laugh it off, actually.) Put yer big girl panties on and deal with it. Brandi C. rushes to assist her. And to be honest, Megan doesn't really look like she's crying, but it looks like she's....laughing about it in the bathroom. Ugh.
Al rushes up and pleads his apology to Megan through the bathroom, but she tells him he'll have to wait. After primping herself back the way she was before, she emerges back downstairs. He apologizes again, and she's all, "You scared me!" in that baby-doll-ish condescending tone and tells him she'll have to think about apologizing to him. Man, she's such a snob. Like I said, I don't know how these guys find her remotely appealing. But it's an opportunity to be on TV. *le sigh*
Meanwhile, she's talking to Shaun and his shaved head, which Megan likes. Because it makes him look like a penis, I guess. Then Donald invites her over to talk by the fire. It's obvious Megan has no attraction to him whatsoever, but she likes that he could put her in crappy movies. So she tells Donald to set up a scene in which she's starring in with that cutie baby-faced James. And it's awkward because James is cute, and Donald is not, and you can tell Donald wants to act this out with Megan but he won't because he'd older and creepy. And James totally gets to kiss Megan, and Donald is all....
And it's funny because the kiss is all slo-mo, and you can see that Megan has a serious case of DOUBLE CHIN going on. See?
Donald is heartbroken. Megan was totally let down because it was a terrible kiss. James doesn't care. So now Megan hangs with him and Choda Boy Dave. Megan's all, "Thank GOD, get me away from this weirdo." And she's totally fascinated with the fact that Dave is legitimately successful at selling sex toys.
Back inside, Brandi C. and Cecile find out that James hasn't actually gotten his trust fund yet and.......*shock!*....is currently working as a waiter! He still lives with his parents! Then what the HELL is he DOING here?! Meanwhile, Megan's discussing vacations with TJ who's kind of ready to settle down, and then Ryan aka "Mr. Canadian Bacon" reveals that he can't legally work in the USA until he's married. So he's looking to marry Megan so he can get a green card, basically. And he won't require her to sign a prenup. WOW! I think Megan "loves" this guy.
While Megan retires with Brandi C. and CeeCee, the guys are all alone. Donald's going on about the movies he's made, and Garth totally makes fun of him (Please tell me Donald had a hand in Cave Dwellers.) and Joe's piggybank. I knew I was going to like Garth, even if he wears douchy Ed Hardy shirts. So he goes over and breaks Joe's piggybank. OH NOES! Joe is upset, and TELL me if you watched this you think he's straight after seeing how he reacts. "Thank you, I can't wait to tell Megan about this!"
Back in her room, Megan deliberates with Brandi C. and Cecile over the guys. "Look, I have all their pictures with their names on them! Can I make it any more obvious?" Brandi C. ttattles Megan that James is a waiter, living with his parents, and waiting for his trust fund to kick in. After a little more debate, Megan makes her way down with her army of skanks to make her first elimination. In his interview, Donald mentions he doesn't want to be like one of those 'NSYNC dudes saying "Bye Bye Bye" and will personally be surprised if he's eliminated. Oh, poor deluded guy.
Megan is going to issue each guy his own "credit card," much like how Flav gave his girls clocks and Bret gave his girls backstage passes and Daisy gave her guys flasks. And they have to keep their credit in good standing, or else she will destroy their plastic and send them packing. Only three get eliminated tonight. She mentions "trust fund baby," and James looks so eager that he'll be called down, but nope--it's not-gay-Joe who's getting THAT card. And then he mentions that Garth broke his piggy bank, pout whine boohoo. (See? He's PERFECT for Megan!) She keeps Garth anyway (yay!), and then there are only four guys left--Donald, James, Al and Audi--and one card. Donald makes some reference to when Buffy killed Angel and sent him to hell and that's how nervous he feels now.
Audi? She likes shaved heads and bad boys, but she feels he may be too rough for her. And James? He doesn't even have his trust fund available to him yet! Megan says in her interview, "I’m not saying I couldn’t fall in love with a guy with no money. I’m just saying if given the option, why wouldn’t I pick a guy with money to fall in love with?" YES. SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.
Their credit is declined. Donald...she appreciates that he knows her from TV and he wants to make her a star (HIS star, really). But she thinks he's more of a fan than a potential boyfriend. And Al pulled that "dog jaw" joke on her.
In the end, she'll give Al a second chance since he was probably just nervous. Creepy Donald's credit is declined. She cites her complete lack of attraction to him. (Hey, she's being honest.)
And as Donald exits, brokenhearted, tried to shit but he farted...he quotes the wise words of Lady Gaga: "Just dance, gonna be okay, da doo da doo, just dance..."
Once more, WITH FEELING!
Al got lucky there. They all have champagne and celebrate potentially getting to bang Megan Hauserman!
A note: I will get around to snarking the next "Jem" episode. I may end up doing it tomorrow, actually. :)
Yeah, remember that horrendous skank? Apparently, she knew who to blow at VH1 and 51 Minds, because now she has her very own reality show! God help us all! And guess who will be doing the honors of snarking this series? Moi!
"But Holly, why would you even want to watch this show? You hated Megan Hauserman more than you hated Lacey Connor!" Yes, I know, I know. "Why didn't you snark on New York's show, or Real and Chance's show, or Daisy's show?" Lemme explain. I had no desire to ever watch a bunch of men duke it out for New York. Real and Chance--like I said, never watched "I Love New York." And as for Daisy? She's just flat-out irritating. Megan managed to spark as much rage in me as Lacey did on "Charm School." She's catty and snotty and bitchy and manipulative. I don't get how she has any fans, and I don't understand why any man would want to spoil her rotten. For crying out loud, she's a REALITY SHOW STAR. She's D-list, at best. But I guess I'm watching this because I know I'll have a fun time making fun of her and her suitors. And I know you, the reader of this blog, will have a fun time reading this!
Now, before I get to the show, let me have you watch a music video to get into the mood of this show:
Oh, Megan, Megan, how do we know of her? Like I said, she's a reality show star. She was on "Beauty and the Geek" on the WB. She tried winning over Bret Michaels' heart on "Rock of Love 2." She tried winning a bunch of money on "I Love Money." And she really didn't do anything to try to change her petty, catty ways on "Charm School." Gee, she's not good at anything, is she? Well, she still wants love. And money, too. Can't forget that. Because that's the prospect of this show. Remember back on "Charm School" when she told one of the coaches that she envisioned herself as a "top of the line trophy wife"? Yeah, I know, I rolled my eyes in disgust at that, too. A TROPHY WIFE. What little girl actually wants to be something like that in this day and age? And what young woman actually wants to pursue this pathetic dream? God, you know, she could do something much more with her life. But no. Megan Hauserman is a shallow young woman who just wants to live the good life without actually putting in any effort to earn it. It's sad, really.
If any guy wants to date Megan, they can, of course. You just need.....*dun dun DUN!*......
ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Uh....just a million? *heh* I'm sure if you've seen Austin Powers, you know that a million dollars really isn't a whole lot of money these days. (I mean, it is, don't get me wrong, especially given the recession and if you live in Hicksville, Indiana like I do.) So Megan's actually selling herself kind of cheap, don't ya think? These guys need to have a net worth of at least a million American dollars for Megan to even consider dating them. And VH1 managed to round up seventeen men who claim they are worth a cool million to vie for Megan's heart. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA, typing that last sentence made me laugh so hard! VH1 also sprung for a....ahem, "mansion" for Megan and these guys to stay in for the duration of this show (it only takes them two weeks to film these things), and for Niles, the portly concierge/butler with a British accent who narrates the show. Yes.. This show is way more classier than New York's and Daisy's because Megan gets a narrator.
You know, so his Robin Leech-ish voice gives the show that "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" feel.
So here come the guys to the "mansion."
(I want to Google all of these guys and see if they're really worth what they claim.) Megan thinks TJ looks very "debonair." When she hears that he makes vodka, she's all, "Oh! I love vodka!" The way she says this....ugh. I thought I couldn't stand how Daisy de la Hoya spoke, but Megan takes the cake. She has this very insincere, almost condescending tone that she tries to soften by speaking like a baby doll. Kind of like Paris Hilton, if I could best describe it.
The next guy to arrive is Shaun, who is an exotic car customizer.
ONLY two million? For a guy who pimps out rides? Aim higher, Megan! But you can tell she's semi-attracted to him, so I'm putting my money on him as one of the final three.
The next suitor to arrive is "Big Mike."
Frankly, I think "private investor" probably means he works for the Mob. Niles mentions in the voice over that they really didn't bother asking for his credentials, but he's allegedly worth $2 million. Whoopie shit. Tony Montana was worth more than that.
"I bury those cock-a-roaches."
The next guy who arrives....is Garth.
He pops out of the limo wearing this tacky red and yellow windbreaker and a tacky bowler-style hat, and something tells me that he just might be a bad Jewish stereotype. But I give props to Garth for pointing out Megan's lazy eye in his interview! He still thinks she's hot. Sorry, Garth, but lazy eyes are NOT hot. They're just wonky and distracting. So what does Garth do? He's a plumber, believe it or not! He owns his own plumbing business, and is allegedly worth $2.5 million. I automatically like Garth, but I don't think he'll win. Megan won't want to associate herself with a man who fixes toilets. Megan's all, "No millionaire is perfect, but there's always room for improvement." NO! You keep Garth the way he is! I already like him! He's got character!
Onto the next guy named Joe. He's essentially a trust fund baby. *gag* The worst kind of "millionaire" there is. He doesn't do anything for his money, really. He rests on his parents' laurels. Spoiled, lazy rich kid with an overinflated ego and a shameful sense of entitlement. And he has the same snide-sounding laugh that Megan has! These two are PERFECT for each other! Oh, and one of the first things out of his mouth when he meets Megan is, "I have to go to the bathroom." Oh-kay, TMI.
OH GOD, the next guy. His name is Donald. He's a movie producer. He's also kind of older, balding, portly, wears coke-bottle glasses and...I can't even describe his nose. It's the kind of nose that screams "I'M CREEPY!":
He's also allegedly worth $2 million. He thinks Lily (Megan's "retarded chihuahua"...yes, she still has poor Lily) is cute, and leans in to give her (Lily) a kiss. And Lily's all....
LOL, that dog kinda looks like Lily, too! Sadly, I think that's the most action poor Donald will be getting tonight.
The next guy that arrives is Alex, who is only described as a "swinger." And he's worth $3.5 million. (I think he's a gigolo.) Meh. The next guy is named James, and he's actually kind of cute. He's 25, and Megan calls him a "baby," which is his description. He's allegedly worth $4 million. I'd sure like to know why he's worth $4 million!
The next guy introduces himself as "Audi." Yes, like the car.
I guess he's part Cherokee or something, but his description is "the Big Dog," but I'm going to call him Car Man anyway because he's named after a fucking automobile company, and he's allegedly worth $1.1 million. (I say "allegedly" for all of these characters because....remember that guy Rick Rockwell? The guy who Darva Conger married on "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" on FOX a long while back? Turns out he only had $750,000 in liquid assets and a net worth just more than $2 million. So yeah, Megan, 51 Minds and VH1 really better be up on these guys' resources.)
The next guy who enters is Al, "the nervous guy," who's allegedly worth $5.5 million. He doesn't say much, "Nice to finally meet ya." Oh-kay....
The next guy who shows up is HELLA FINE. He introduces himself as Sheray (I guess that's how it's spelled), but you can call him "The Punisher." Why? I guess he'll end up showing us why later on.
I bet he's either a personal trainer, or a body builder. Or a sex freak. Or he does something so lucrative that he has the time to make sure he's in shape. Whatever. I don't care. He's HELLA FINE.
Moving on to "Sex Toy Dave." THIS guy earns the most out the rest of them, and I believe him. He's an "Internet Entrepreneur," and he's allegedly worth $9.5 million. I believe it! He claims to be in charge of the largest distributor of sex toys online. Do you realize how many people buy sex toys online without feeling the embarrassment of walking into a specialty store for that stuff?! And he makes major bank off of it, too! AWESOME!
No, you are not "Sex Toy Dave" anymore. You are CHODA BOY.
The next guy is Matt, and he's a pro-wrestler allegedly worth $5.5 million. YEAH, RIGHT. No pro-wrestler is worth that much! If he is, how come I've never seen or heard of him? The majority of pro-wrestlers don't earn anything close to that. Hell, I don't think even Triple H or John Cena really earn that, and they're the big stars being pushed on WWE right now. And I think they earn a lot of their cash through endorsement deals. So yeah, I call bullshit on you, Matt.
The next guy is David, the "world traveler." But what do you do to be worth $2.2 million? Megan likes the idea of world travel, though. Then there's Corey, "the hot shot," who's worth $5 million. Uninteresting.
And then there's Francisco. Fran-SISS-co. (Yeah, I was totally thinking of Elf, too.) He's the "Latin lover" who's originally from Columbia, and he's worth $2 million. I bet he's a drug dealer.
One more guy--Ryan. He's Canadian! He whispers in Megan's ear, "I hope you like Canadian bacon, eh?" (LOL, okay, he didn't say "eh." I threw that in there.) He's referred to as "the Smooth Operator," but I'll just call him the Canadian Guy. And he's allegedly worth $2.5 million.
Seventeen "millionaires" is a lot of men for one woman to handle, right? So Megan has recruited two of her ditzy, blonde friends to help her with this search--CeeCee:
Yes, that says "Cecil," but her name is Cecilia, but we'll call her CeeCee. She's kind of ugly, if you ask me. If you don't know who the hell she is, she was on "Beauty and the Geek" the same season Megan was on.
And.......oh God, don't tell me........no way......
BRANDI C. IS BACK. I'm surprised that Megan has actual "friends" from the past reality shows she's been on, where, you know, you don't go to make friends, you go to WIN. Which Megan hasn't done yet. But who cares? Brandi C. is back, and she doesn't have her pink hair anymore from "Charm School." I wonder if she's changed any since "Charm School" and has retained whatever she learned back there. Probably not.
Three blondes.....well, this will keep the blonde bimbo quota filled until the new season of "The Girls Next Door" starts with Hugh Hefner's new girlfriends. She brings CeeCee and Brandi C. to meet the guys, and DONALD automatically recognizes Brandi C. (I'm not surprised, he's probably watched her sex tape.) Megan and her cronies lead the guys into the living room, where there are a bunch of shopping bags in there. Is she going to show them her latest Prada purchase that she's earned on her REALITY SHOW WHORE salary? No, she wants to have each guy tell her a little bit about themselves, and then she'll give them a special gift. "You know, from my heart," she says, but not without adding that traditional little smug laugh she always inserts after she speaks.
Joe is the first. He's a trust fund baby (WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?), and something about him totally sets off my gaydar. His gift? A sparkly piggy bank. How appropriate.
Next is David. He is "the premiere financial criminalist in the world." What does that mean, that he robs banks? "When someone steals millions of dollars, I'm the go-to guy and don't you forget about it." .....Yeah, that made it sound like he's pretty much a thief. Anyhoo, Megan gives him a globe, because his job requires him to travel a lot and he does a lot of jet-setting. Yeah, I rolled my eyes at that, too. Car-Man Audi thinks David is a kiss-ass.
"The Punisher" claims to be a real estate investor, but then he also says he's pretty much made his money as a male exotic dancer.
Yeah, fo sho. Megan's all, "He must be good at it. Reeeeally good," with this big shit-eating grin on her face. What does Punisher get? A thong. Like he doesn't have hundreds of those already.
Next is Choda Boy Dave, who gets a pair of furry hand cuffs. Which Megan probably purchased from him online. Megan notes that he's kind of a small guy, but hey, that don't mean he probably ain't packin'. Judge not by his size, but how he works the merchandise.
Next is Fran-cis-co, who mentions that he would love to cook for Megan. So she gives him an apron with a picture of her on it that says, "The Missing Ingredient." Original. Classy. Shaun gets a key, which I guess is to Megan's heart. LAME. Alex gets what looks like a cheap knockoff of Hugh Hefner's smoking jacket. "Big Mike," who claims to be a professional bodyguard (for the Mob, I guess...he's gotta be, if he's earning millionaire-status bucks), gets a....teddy bear? Because he's a Big Softie? Whatever, Megan.
Next is Matt, the "pro-wrestler." Megan calls him "Nacho Libre." Oh Matt, don't fool me. If you're a pro-wrestler, you're probably working VFW halls and earning $50 to $100 a pop for appearances, and maybe I'll see you wrestle for TNA if you're lucky. (Hey, anyone else who reads this and knows their wrestlers better than I do....I'm looking directly at you,
supermachodude, who the hell is this guy?) So Megan gets him what looks like a riding crop. I think Megan just wants some kinky sex, not a "millionaire." Then here comes "Nervous Al." Megan tries holding his hand, but Al gets all Techrat on us and is all, "Don't touch me!" Tell me this isn't awkward. Megan got him some massage oil. You know, to try to loosen him up? Good luck.
Then Megan gives TJ "the Vodka King" his gift: a framed picture of her! Isn't it amazing? Megan's just so breathtaking....ly tacky. It's just as tacky as when Holly Madison gave her friends the Holly bobblehead on "The Girls Next Door"!
Next is Audi, "the Big Dog." Which is what he prefers to be called, probably because people make fun of the fact that he's named after a CAR. The other suitors think he's kind of abrasive and low-brow, and David goes so far to call him "blue-collar." Man, talk about snobby! So he gets a picture of a "Little Dog," namely Lily. Dumb. I guess it's the thought that counts? I would've given him this:
James is another freaking trust fund baby who doesn't even have his riches yet. He'll get it all when his grandfather kicks it. It's like he's expecting his grandpa to kick it so he can be stinkin' rich. What a turd. So what does Megan give him?
Dammit, I want a Wonka bar now. Those things are AWESOME.
Next is Garth the plumber! Megan's all, "Do you know how to fix pipes?" Hello, double entendre! In her interview, she's all, "He's not just the owner, he's the actual plumber," and makes this face. See? I told you. She won't want to be with a guy who fixes toilets for a living, even if it is a lucrative business that everyone eventually needs. Megan gets him a tool belt, which I guess makes sense. But I think I'll call Garth "Super Mario" instead.
Ryan describes himself as a "charming bad boy," so Megan give him a pimp cup. Then...Donald. Oh, Donald, he's a piece of work. He calls Megan "Meg" like he's already chummy with her, and claims he's got superpowers like he can mesmerize her into falling in love with him. Good luck with that, Donald; you'll need super powers to do so, because judging from the look on Megan's face, she's automatically creeped out by him. He's an obsessed Megan stan-slash-fanboy.
Why is always the girls named MEGAN attract guys like this? So he's a movie producer. Megan likes the idea of being in movies. Donald tells her that if he knew her when he did Chainsaw Cheerleaders 1, she'd be on the poster. YEAH, he makes crappy B-movies! He must be a millionaire! Megan's not sure she can get over the 100% lack of attraction to him. She can only fake it so long in the bedroom, ya know.
Corey promises Megan that he can get her on the red carpet to movie premieres, because he's one of those guys behind the scenes that can make it happen. I think he's something like an "assistant to the stars," like that one guy Carrie Bradshaw dated when she was in LA and ended up sleeping with the dude in Carrie Fisher's house. Megan gives him a crown. She might as well have given him a paper Burger King crown, to be quite honest.
Now that she's given them their gifts, she lets them know that she can't keep them all tonight and will have to let three go. Now it's time for the traditional mixer that comes with the intro episode to these specials. Meh. "Car Man" Audi isn't really articulate when it comes to conversing with Megan, unfortunately. David kisses her ass, and promises Megan that they'll travel a lot and do plenty of shopping, which sounds perfectly fine for her pampered ass. I think he's putting on airs to make himself look more important than what he really is. While Megan is still in...well, "awe" that Punisher is a millionaire stripper, Fran-SIS-co unbuttons his shirt to show just how hot he is. And he is! Then Punisher starts
This reminds me of the part in The Blair Witch Project when they talk about the one dude's sporadic body hair growth in the shape of Uruguay.
Outside, Brandi and CeeCee are chatting up Al and trying to encourage him to get to know her better. So Al goes up to Megan and offers to use the massage oil on her. "Super Mario" is trying to get in on the action, but Al's all, "Mine, no touchee." Doesn't matter, because "Super Mario" is watching Al try to woo Megan over. Al then tries to break out his "dog jaw." What the hell? He has Megan touch some spot on his jaw, and he kind of snaps at her like a dog (I guess?), and she accidentally spills her champagne over her cheap polyester purple dress!
Wait a minute, tha's awfully familiar-looking...
THANK YOU SHARON OSBOURNE!!! Megan is distraught and upset that her beautiful dress and expensive extensions and makeup are ruined, and runs away crying over it. What a freaking BABY. Crying over spilled champagne is NOT attractive, Megan. (If this happened to Daisy de la Hoya, she'd probably just laugh it off, actually.) Put yer big girl panties on and deal with it. Brandi C. rushes to assist her. And to be honest, Megan doesn't really look like she's crying, but it looks like she's....laughing about it in the bathroom. Ugh.
Al rushes up and pleads his apology to Megan through the bathroom, but she tells him he'll have to wait. After primping herself back the way she was before, she emerges back downstairs. He apologizes again, and she's all, "You scared me!" in that baby-doll-ish condescending tone and tells him she'll have to think about apologizing to him. Man, she's such a snob. Like I said, I don't know how these guys find her remotely appealing. But it's an opportunity to be on TV. *le sigh*
Meanwhile, she's talking to Shaun and his shaved head, which Megan likes. Because it makes him look like a penis, I guess. Then Donald invites her over to talk by the fire. It's obvious Megan has no attraction to him whatsoever, but she likes that he could put her in crappy movies. So she tells Donald to set up a scene in which she's starring in with that cutie baby-faced James. And it's awkward because James is cute, and Donald is not, and you can tell Donald wants to act this out with Megan but he won't because he'd older and creepy. And James totally gets to kiss Megan, and Donald is all....
And it's funny because the kiss is all slo-mo, and you can see that Megan has a serious case of DOUBLE CHIN going on. See?
Donald is heartbroken. Megan was totally let down because it was a terrible kiss. James doesn't care. So now Megan hangs with him and Choda Boy Dave. Megan's all, "Thank GOD, get me away from this weirdo." And she's totally fascinated with the fact that Dave is legitimately successful at selling sex toys.
Back inside, Brandi C. and Cecile find out that James hasn't actually gotten his trust fund yet and.......*shock!*....is currently working as a waiter! He still lives with his parents! Then what the HELL is he DOING here?! Meanwhile, Megan's discussing vacations with TJ who's kind of ready to settle down, and then Ryan aka "Mr. Canadian Bacon" reveals that he can't legally work in the USA until he's married. So he's looking to marry Megan so he can get a green card, basically. And he won't require her to sign a prenup. WOW! I think Megan "loves" this guy.
While Megan retires with Brandi C. and CeeCee, the guys are all alone. Donald's going on about the movies he's made, and Garth totally makes fun of him (Please tell me Donald had a hand in Cave Dwellers.) and Joe's piggybank. I knew I was going to like Garth, even if he wears douchy Ed Hardy shirts. So he goes over and breaks Joe's piggybank. OH NOES! Joe is upset, and TELL me if you watched this you think he's straight after seeing how he reacts. "Thank you, I can't wait to tell Megan about this!"
Back in her room, Megan deliberates with Brandi C. and Cecile over the guys. "Look, I have all their pictures with their names on them! Can I make it any more obvious?" Brandi C. ttattles Megan that James is a waiter, living with his parents, and waiting for his trust fund to kick in. After a little more debate, Megan makes her way down with her army of skanks to make her first elimination. In his interview, Donald mentions he doesn't want to be like one of those 'NSYNC dudes saying "Bye Bye Bye" and will personally be surprised if he's eliminated. Oh, poor deluded guy.
Megan is going to issue each guy his own "credit card," much like how Flav gave his girls clocks and Bret gave his girls backstage passes and Daisy gave her guys flasks. And they have to keep their credit in good standing, or else she will destroy their plastic and send them packing. Only three get eliminated tonight. She mentions "trust fund baby," and James looks so eager that he'll be called down, but nope--it's not-gay-Joe who's getting THAT card. And then he mentions that Garth broke his piggy bank, pout whine boohoo. (See? He's PERFECT for Megan!) She keeps Garth anyway (yay!), and then there are only four guys left--Donald, James, Al and Audi--and one card. Donald makes some reference to when Buffy killed Angel and sent him to hell and that's how nervous he feels now.
Audi? She likes shaved heads and bad boys, but she feels he may be too rough for her. And James? He doesn't even have his trust fund available to him yet! Megan says in her interview, "I’m not saying I couldn’t fall in love with a guy with no money. I’m just saying if given the option, why wouldn’t I pick a guy with money to fall in love with?" YES. SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.
Their credit is declined. Donald...she appreciates that he knows her from TV and he wants to make her a star (HIS star, really). But she thinks he's more of a fan than a potential boyfriend. And Al pulled that "dog jaw" joke on her.
In the end, she'll give Al a second chance since he was probably just nervous. Creepy Donald's credit is declined. She cites her complete lack of attraction to him. (Hey, she's being honest.)
And as Donald exits, brokenhearted, tried to shit but he farted...he quotes the wise words of Lady Gaga: "Just dance, gonna be okay, da doo da doo, just dance..."
Once more, WITH FEELING!
Al got lucky there. They all have champagne and celebrate potentially getting to bang Megan Hauserman!
A note: I will get around to snarking the next "Jem" episode. I may end up doing it tomorrow, actually. :)
