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And yeah, this is me dropping the ball on Guest Performance Night tonight. Yeah, I admit, I kind of wanted to do it. (Stress on the word "kinda.") But after the big blowout a couple of weeks ago...it killed the whole Pink Invader experience for me. And I never thought that could happen to me, but it did. I never thought I could have a friend take advantage of me, lead me on, play me for a fool, not realize he did anything wrong, then call me a psycho bitch. All because of stupid cast drama. All because the same thing was going to happen again and I didn't want to deal with it a second time. I'm not stupid. I can recognize a pattern when I see it.
Yes, I understand that this is a lifestyle choice for some people. But after three years of being involved in it, it's time for me to move on. It's time for all of us to move on. I hate to say it, but it's time to grow up. There are parts of the whole Rocky Horror/Pink Invaders experience that I don't regret, and there are some that I do. I regret the fact that I let it become so much a part of my life that I neglected other areas of my life. Not too long after I joined up in cast, I had to take my time off from my studies (mainly due to lack of financial aid). And boy, do I regret that. Earlier this week, I went to check my IUN email account because I was registering for Facebook...and I swear to God, since 2003, I had over 1500 unread email messages on my IUN email account. Some were for Northwest Phoenix assignments that I never got (and those were stupid since everyone on the Northwest Phoenix staff knew I rarely ever used my IUN email and have always primarily used my Yahoo account), and some were correspondence stuff from professors who were curious as to why I went AWOL. And I felt so bad and guilty, like I let a lot of people down and frittered away two or three years of my life working odd jobs just to earn some money to go back to school and mainly for performing with the Pink Invaders. I had no idea I could be that selfish and just lose my drive like that.
I feel like I've wasted the last three years of my life. Hell...Ami graduated, got married, and now she's out in Boston with a decent job at a library and taking online courses to get her masters in library sciences (and I'm so proud for her, too, I really am; she's one of my closest friends, I can't be jealous). Nichole graduated and she's got a decent job. Dan graduated and he got married (and now I feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't even gather the nerve to go to his wedding...and blowing it off the way I did...and the whole fact that I had asked someone I now hate to go with me). Everyone's grown in the last three years except me. I'm still living at home. I have a new car and I earn more money at Blockbuster than I did at Spencer's, but my level of job satisfaction has gone down the shitter considerably. I haven't had a steady, stable relationship with a guy since breaking up with Dan. And maybe it's just because I'm really fucking hormonal right now and my period's five days late (when it comes, it'll be the period from hell, I can already tell!) and I'm all crampy and bloated and broken out to hell, but I don't see how anyone could find me desirable. And it's nights like this when I don't really feel like participating in Guest Performance Night, or going out in general, and just shutting myself in my house, feeling like crap physically and mentally. And it doesn't even help that my level of stress is elevated because midterms are next week, and I've been studying my ass off so I can pass.
And then the added stress of "What am I going to do once I get my degree?" I'm going through the same kind of funk![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mellebelle13 has been dealing with. I've been so sure that I want a career in the journalism field, but then once I think about it, the only reason I've been "so sure" about this is because my stupid guidance counselor in high school told me that I would make no money if I worked as an animator or as a comic book artist. And then I had a discussion with one of my instructors earlier this week (Prof. Baig) about what I was planning to do after graduation, and he actually suggested teaching. And in the last six years, I've never thought much about a career as a teacher, but there are always people that need to learn that sort of stuff. There's still so much I want to do with my life, and now I feel like I'm in a rush to get any of it done because of the three-or-so years I wasted. I'm 25 years old. I'm already in my mid-twenties. And by December 7th, I'll be 26. Four years away from turning 30. I FEEL OLD.
I've exhausted myself thinking about it and contemplating everything.
Yes, I understand that this is a lifestyle choice for some people. But after three years of being involved in it, it's time for me to move on. It's time for all of us to move on. I hate to say it, but it's time to grow up. There are parts of the whole Rocky Horror/Pink Invaders experience that I don't regret, and there are some that I do. I regret the fact that I let it become so much a part of my life that I neglected other areas of my life. Not too long after I joined up in cast, I had to take my time off from my studies (mainly due to lack of financial aid). And boy, do I regret that. Earlier this week, I went to check my IUN email account because I was registering for Facebook...and I swear to God, since 2003, I had over 1500 unread email messages on my IUN email account. Some were for Northwest Phoenix assignments that I never got (and those were stupid since everyone on the Northwest Phoenix staff knew I rarely ever used my IUN email and have always primarily used my Yahoo account), and some were correspondence stuff from professors who were curious as to why I went AWOL. And I felt so bad and guilty, like I let a lot of people down and frittered away two or three years of my life working odd jobs just to earn some money to go back to school and mainly for performing with the Pink Invaders. I had no idea I could be that selfish and just lose my drive like that.
I feel like I've wasted the last three years of my life. Hell...Ami graduated, got married, and now she's out in Boston with a decent job at a library and taking online courses to get her masters in library sciences (and I'm so proud for her, too, I really am; she's one of my closest friends, I can't be jealous). Nichole graduated and she's got a decent job. Dan graduated and he got married (and now I feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't even gather the nerve to go to his wedding...and blowing it off the way I did...and the whole fact that I had asked someone I now hate to go with me). Everyone's grown in the last three years except me. I'm still living at home. I have a new car and I earn more money at Blockbuster than I did at Spencer's, but my level of job satisfaction has gone down the shitter considerably. I haven't had a steady, stable relationship with a guy since breaking up with Dan. And maybe it's just because I'm really fucking hormonal right now and my period's five days late (when it comes, it'll be the period from hell, I can already tell!) and I'm all crampy and bloated and broken out to hell, but I don't see how anyone could find me desirable. And it's nights like this when I don't really feel like participating in Guest Performance Night, or going out in general, and just shutting myself in my house, feeling like crap physically and mentally. And it doesn't even help that my level of stress is elevated because midterms are next week, and I've been studying my ass off so I can pass.
And then the added stress of "What am I going to do once I get my degree?" I'm going through the same kind of funk
mellebelle13 has been dealing with. I've been so sure that I want a career in the journalism field, but then once I think about it, the only reason I've been "so sure" about this is because my stupid guidance counselor in high school told me that I would make no money if I worked as an animator or as a comic book artist. And then I had a discussion with one of my instructors earlier this week (Prof. Baig) about what I was planning to do after graduation, and he actually suggested teaching. And in the last six years, I've never thought much about a career as a teacher, but there are always people that need to learn that sort of stuff. There's still so much I want to do with my life, and now I feel like I'm in a rush to get any of it done because of the three-or-so years I wasted. I'm 25 years old. I'm already in my mid-twenties. And by December 7th, I'll be 26. Four years away from turning 30. I FEEL OLD.I've exhausted myself thinking about it and contemplating everything.
