hollybrooke: (It's time to paint!)
Once again, Hunter is thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend. I don't know how many times I've heard this in the last year (maybe four or five; he starts getting that itch every few months) and how he never follows through on it, though. And this may sound mean and very blunt, but if he's seriously going to do it, then he needs to shit or get off the pot. I'm not saying that because I don't like Jessica (I do, actually; she's a sweet girl). I'm saying this because Hunter's been kind of dancing along that line for the last year and talks about it, but he never does it. If he's going to do it, then do it and quit stringing her along.

And it's not like he doesn't love her anymore, but from what he told me last night about it, he feels that their respective priorities have changed. He wants to finish up school and do what he wants to do (hospitality management, I guess; he wants to run a hotel or work on a cruise ship or something...how he came to that, I have no clue, but he wants to do it, so I support him on it). And she just dropped out of school and wants to take classes to learn a trade and be a massage therapist. She was majoring in psychology and wanted to work with special needs kids, but to be honest, I think her current job working with special needs kids is starting to take its toll on her. Hunter's kind of ticked that she won't at least try to finish up and get her degree at the very least. But he also feels that she's pushing for them to get married and have a kid, and he's so not ready for that. He just turned 21, for crying out loud. He wants to live his life.

More behind the cut, because I'm just rambling and having a epiphany in the process. )
hollybrooke: (silence breaks hearts)
And yeah, this is me dropping the ball on Guest Performance Night tonight. Yeah, I admit, I kind of wanted to do it. (Stress on the word "kinda.") But after the big blowout a couple of weeks ago...it killed the whole Pink Invader experience for me. And I never thought that could happen to me, but it did. I never thought I could have a friend take advantage of me, lead me on, play me for a fool, not realize he did anything wrong, then call me a psycho bitch. All because of stupid cast drama. All because the same thing was going to happen again and I didn't want to deal with it a second time. I'm not stupid. I can recognize a pattern when I see it.

Yes, I understand that this is a lifestyle choice for some people. But after three years of being involved in it, it's time for me to move on. It's time for all of us to move on. I hate to say it, but it's time to grow up. There are parts of the whole Rocky Horror/Pink Invaders experience that I don't regret, and there are some that I do. I regret the fact that I let it become so much a part of my life that I neglected other areas of my life. Not too long after I joined up in cast, I had to take my time off from my studies (mainly due to lack of financial aid). And boy, do I regret that. Earlier this week, I went to check my IUN email account because I was registering for Facebook...and I swear to God, since 2003, I had over 1500 unread email messages on my IUN email account. Some were for Northwest Phoenix assignments that I never got (and those were stupid since everyone on the Northwest Phoenix staff knew I rarely ever used my IUN email and have always primarily used my Yahoo account), and some were correspondence stuff from professors who were curious as to why I went AWOL. And I felt so bad and guilty, like I let a lot of people down and frittered away two or three years of my life working odd jobs just to earn some money to go back to school and mainly for performing with the Pink Invaders. I had no idea I could be that selfish and just lose my drive like that.

I feel like I've wasted the last three years of my life. Hell...Ami graduated, got married, and now she's out in Boston with a decent job at a library and taking online courses to get her masters in library sciences (and I'm so proud for her, too, I really am; she's one of my closest friends, I can't be jealous). Nichole graduated and she's got a decent job. Dan graduated and he got married (and now I feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't even gather the nerve to go to his wedding...and blowing it off the way I did...and the whole fact that I had asked someone I now hate to go with me). Everyone's grown in the last three years except me. I'm still living at home. I have a new car and I earn more money at Blockbuster than I did at Spencer's, but my level of job satisfaction has gone down the shitter considerably. I haven't had a steady, stable relationship with a guy since breaking up with Dan. And maybe it's just because I'm really fucking hormonal right now and my period's five days late (when it comes, it'll be the period from hell, I can already tell!) and I'm all crampy and bloated and broken out to hell, but I don't see how anyone could find me desirable. And it's nights like this when I don't really feel like participating in Guest Performance Night, or going out in general, and just shutting myself in my house, feeling like crap physically and mentally. And it doesn't even help that my level of stress is elevated because midterms are next week, and I've been studying my ass off so I can pass.

And then the added stress of "What am I going to do once I get my degree?" I'm going through the same kind of funk [livejournal.com profile] mellebelle13 has been dealing with. I've been so sure that I want a career in the journalism field, but then once I think about it, the only reason I've been "so sure" about this is because my stupid guidance counselor in high school told me that I would make no money if I worked as an animator or as a comic book artist. And then I had a discussion with one of my instructors earlier this week (Prof. Baig) about what I was planning to do after graduation, and he actually suggested teaching. And in the last six years, I've never thought much about a career as a teacher, but there are always people that need to learn that sort of stuff. There's still so much I want to do with my life, and now I feel like I'm in a rush to get any of it done because of the three-or-so years I wasted. I'm 25 years old. I'm already in my mid-twenties. And by December 7th, I'll be 26. Four years away from turning 30. I FEEL OLD.

I've exhausted myself thinking about it and contemplating everything.
hollybrooke: (hate early)
I probably should've just stayed home instead of going to see Rocky. But you know...what's done is done. If Zero wants to be an immature asshole, let him. I'm a firm believer in karma, and he'll get his. I've been trying to cut my ties with him anyway because he's just not a very good friend, and that's the bottom line, so I can't get too angry or aggravated about it.

Here's the deal, and I am going to be very vocal about it now since he doesn't subscribe to my LJ or my MySpace anymore, and it's not like I'm saying anything mean about him behind his back to make him look bad...and if I do make him look bad, oh well, this is just the truth of the matter. He and I flirted like nuts, we fooled around at the NY con, then he gave me the shaft a week later for Kristen. I got mad, didn't talk to him for a good few months after that, then he tries to make amends and things were okay for a while. Then he starts up with the flirting again, we fooled around again, then shortly after, he hooks back up with Kristen AGAIN. How the hell am I supposed to feel? Like I'm just some substitute warm-body for him to cuddle and fool around with to make him feel better about himself? I felt like I was used Friends do NOT treat each other like that. And to add insult to injury, Kristen joined cast, and the two of them make out and feel each other up at every given opportunity. And once again, how am I supposed to feel? He alienated his friends and blew off social events himself for the sake of his girlfriend, so who the hell does he think he is to point his finger at me for my lack of socialization when I have priorities like work/school/homelife demanding my attention? And then the whole stupid MySpace post that had him firing his guns at TR, Fester and me. What the hell was that all about? You know, I don't make my MySpace my life. He wonders why people abandon him--he drives people away, that's what. He brings all of this shit on himself. Frankly, I got tired of it. I got tired of him jacking me around and now he wants to act like he did nothing wrong, and he wants to call me a crazy psycho bitch? Fine them. Go ahead. Let him. If I'm a crazy psycho bitch, he's the bastard spawn of Satan. And I am glad I quit cast so I don't have to deal with all of this stupid drama anymore. I'm glad the theater is going to be closing soon. It's time for all of us to grow up. One of these days, he'll mouth off to the wrong person and he'll get his, I'm sure of it.

And that's all I'm going to say about it. On the drive home from the theater, I just felt so much...lighter, actually. Like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Nothing had been resolved with him, but now I feel that since my ties with him have been cut, I don't have to worry about him bothering me anymore.
hollybrooke: (jerrica 'n rio)
I'm entering in my Coca-Cola rewards points online at mycokerewards.com, & so far I have 51 points. Know what I can get with my points?


I already get seven free rentals a week just for working there!

The ironic part is that I got the majority of my Coke points from buying all of my Coke products while at work.
And I can't believe I'm going to say it, but I like Paris Hilton's single.
hollybrooke: (Frank didn't make Rocky for Janet)
Things can't possibly get any better for me. I know I shouldn't complain, I know I'm not in the place to complain, but I feel like I have no one to consult with on the matter that'll take my side on it.

I get back in cast, & already I want to quit again, for good. I feel like the Rocky Horror spirit has been crushed in me, & it's not going to get any better. I feel like Zero of all people is just rubbing salt in my wound, & maybe I should just get out before I get mean. I mean, do we really need three Janets? I could just be the biggest bitch in the world & keep it all to myself what's really eating me.

Last thing I want is to get involved in any cast drama. I've already pretty much lost a friend due to cast drama. (The biggest let-down of my life & the biggest waste of time.)

Why the hell did I even get involved?

This just downright sucks. It really does.
hollybrooke: (Default)
I love my car. Why, you ask?
--It saves me on so much gas money.
--It doesn't break down on me.
--It's yellow.
--It has a moonroof.
--Focuses are better for the environment.
--I have no problems with the tires.
--I can afford it.

I'm just a little progressive and ahead of the curve. *snicker*

And after I bought my car, do you know HOW many yellow Focuses I've seen being drove around the area? It's like I set a trend!

some dude: "Hey, nice car!"
me: "THANKS!"

....if it makes me a frickin' tree-huggin' hippie, then pass me the granola.
hollybrooke: (starlight)
Okay, let me take you back to last Saturday. I've been trying to renegotiate my car insurance payments with my providers, and they keep sending back the revised bill for my mother's car, delaying me getting mine in on time. I get my deductable raised to $1000 and I get dropped down to just liabililty, thinking it can save me some money. It saves me a whole whopping $35. My parents bitch at me because they think I waste money going to Rocky Horror every weekend in the first place. They believe that it's stupid to go to the same damn thing every weekend. They got pissed that I had to go to the mandatory rehearsal ("You see the same damn movie every weekend, you should have it down by now.") and be out late. And I quote my father word for word on this one, "I know you don't do drugs, and I know you don't sleep around, but if you want to parade around in nothing but your bra, then you could at least go to Deja Vu and get money for doing that sort of thing!" They have given me similar shit about this every weekend before I go out, but they really got mad about it this particular week, what with all of this car insurance stuff and the matter of me being able to afford it.

I had to call Shawn a little while back to tell him about my situation, and to tell him that I'm not trying to pull any shit, because I'm not. (Although other people think I am, and are getting pissed off about it for no real good reason other than they don't understand what I've been having to deal with in the last couple of weeks.) Amazingly, he let me tell him what was up and tried helping me come up with some sort of solution (although he couldn't do much for that--most of that, I am on my own with). The best thing I can do is this: I just tell my parents that I'm being bumped down to crew if the issue is me not being able to come every week, but I still show up on the nights that I have to perform. Basically, lying to my parents. Not like I've done this before, but I still need to find a full-time job just to appease them and support myself, which I'm working on. Sent off a dozen resum├ęs on hotjobs. com earlier today (ask Booj--he looked with me), and I plan on hitting the streets next week in aggressive job-hunting fashion.

I just don't like it when my parents lay the line like that. It scares me shitless sometimes.

I think the best I can do is just what Shawn said: tell them I'm just in cast. And that I get paid gas money or something to help me out. And if the insurance is a problem, then maybe I can set up paying my mom at the first of the month to help out with the insurance. (Since I'm on full coverage, it's about $107 a month.) I figure I can give her $214 for the first two months and that way, I can still be working for money for the next payment, and I'm going to be getting a new job by then. And once I get that new job, I'm quitting Spencer's. I don't get enough hours there, I've been there 3 1/2 years, I'm underpaid and underemployed, and for as many times as I've asked for it I still receive no promotion (although I keep getting told I'm up for one in February, but fat chance on that).

But since I've been chatting with Amanda, Boojie and Rachel about it, you guys know what's up. You guys have at least been keeping up with me in the last week or so to see how that situation's been going. Thanks for your support. It means a lot. And even though he doesn't read my LJ...thank you, Dan. You are a true friend, and that's taking me a LOT to admit. All I want to do is smooth everything over so things work out somehow. If all goes well, I won't be able to show up this weekend, that's for damn sure, but since I have to be there next weekend anyway....well, keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, I got my W-2s from Spencer's and Indiana University (for the work I did on the paper). Right now, all I need are the W-2s from B&BW and WiseWay. Then I can get my taxes filed. Then I can fill out the FAFSA for this fall semster. Then hopefully I can get some form of financial assistance so I can go back to school and get it all over with. *oy!*

Oh, go check out Toxic Side Effects. This latest one was inspired by something I was watching on the soap operas with my mom while waiting at the insurance place today.
hollybrooke: (Default)
Got my car insurance bill.

You know what's sad? When you have to make a decision such as, "Do I go get my college education, or do I pay to be able to get myself around in my car?"

So it looks like I'm going to have to skip this semester due to my goddamned car insurance.

This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.


hollybrooke: (Default)

April 2012

123 4567
891011 121314
151617 18192021


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 21st, 2017 06:36 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios