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hollybrooke*tangent* I have a very rare day off, which is good because I really don't think I'd want to drive to work in this weather. It's NASTY out: cold, freezing rain, and there's a snow storm scheduled to hit our way. This just makes me want to move to warmer climate all the more.
*tangent* I was watching the Kill Bill movies today, because I've been in a Tarantino mood lately. (I might pop in Pulp Fiction later on.) And you know who's death pissed me off the most? Budd's. He really didn't deserve to die the way that he did, and Elle Driver was a total beeyotch who got what she had coming to her.
*tangent* Slow night last night. There's going to be a major library overhaul. Sheri had to pull a lot of stuff from the new release wall to move to the middle section. At least all of the holiday crap is gone, as well as our ghetto-ass Charlie Brown tree.
*tangent* I kind of feel like I'm losing a friend, and it's probably my own fault because I'm trying to resolve some problems within myself. I try to understand what kind of people I associate with, and sometimes it's really difficult. You'd think I'd be an expert at this, considering I was a communications major (I hold a minor in communications, btw), but no. I really try my hardest to be a good friend, and it just kind of backfires terribly.
Here's a lot of my problem. I'm a doormat. I let people walk all over me. This is one thing I've resolved to take care of this year. I refuse to be a doormat any longer. I think this was a lot of the problem I had with Danielle, and Crystal called me out on it. She said because I'm so quiet and mild-mannered, Danielle just kind of figured she could get away with whatever and I wouldn't do jack shit about it. And I didn't really get mad that Crystal called me out on it, because I know it's true. I'm too nice. It goes that way with my friends, too. I've had plenty of so-called friends in the past who just backstab me for no real reason. So to be completely honest, I don't know who I can trust, and I don't know who to call my true friends anymore. I guess people change.
For example...a couple of weeks ago, I ran into Karen. She and I were tight way back in high school. She was in the graduating class after me. After I graduated, she and I vowed we'd keep in touch since we were BFF. I did everything I could to stay in touch, but she didn't do jack shit, and it just pissed me off. Then she moved all the way to Ohio, so I pretty much just forgot about her after that. So what happens when I run into her unexpectedly in downtown Lowell, of all places? She tries to be all chummy with me, like nothing ever happened. Did I play along? FUCK NO. She abandoned me when I could have really used her. So yeah, I got shitty with her and said, "Yeah, Karen, thanks for staying in touch with me all those years, I really appreciated it, since we're such best friends and all." See what I mean about really being sick of it all? I get used, I get taken advantage of, and then I get abandoned. I'm only an afterthought, just a doormat.
Another example...how many friends did I get Christmas presents for this year? How many presents did I get in return? None. I would have been happy if I had gotten even a tiny Christmas card or something. I barely got anything at all for my birthday (except what I got from Tina and my mom and grandma). I even got stuff for people who I really shouldn't have bought presents for at all. What the hell does that say about me? That I'm a pushover.
And you know...if we didn't have our limited time left for Rocky Horror, I'd probably quit sometime soon. But I'm not a quitter; I'm sticking with it till it's over. To be completely honest, I don't know why I keep doing it. I stii enjoy it, but not like I used to. I've lost my spirit for it. I don't know what happened to it. I need some motivation to keep doing it, I guess. It's just something I feel that I do out of habit anymore, and I don't even really get to have much fun doing it anymore, and that sheer fact makes me want to cry. Hell, I have to make the mad run from closing at work to get to the show to perform, so it's not like I get to socialize with my friends. Maybe I'm growing out of that phase of my life.
Oh well. I get to hang out with Jonny on Friday, which is going to be superfun.
Why the hell do I feel so lost anymore?
*tangent* I was watching the Kill Bill movies today, because I've been in a Tarantino mood lately. (I might pop in Pulp Fiction later on.) And you know who's death pissed me off the most? Budd's. He really didn't deserve to die the way that he did, and Elle Driver was a total beeyotch who got what she had coming to her.
*tangent* Slow night last night. There's going to be a major library overhaul. Sheri had to pull a lot of stuff from the new release wall to move to the middle section. At least all of the holiday crap is gone, as well as our ghetto-ass Charlie Brown tree.
*tangent* I kind of feel like I'm losing a friend, and it's probably my own fault because I'm trying to resolve some problems within myself. I try to understand what kind of people I associate with, and sometimes it's really difficult. You'd think I'd be an expert at this, considering I was a communications major (I hold a minor in communications, btw), but no. I really try my hardest to be a good friend, and it just kind of backfires terribly.
Here's a lot of my problem. I'm a doormat. I let people walk all over me. This is one thing I've resolved to take care of this year. I refuse to be a doormat any longer. I think this was a lot of the problem I had with Danielle, and Crystal called me out on it. She said because I'm so quiet and mild-mannered, Danielle just kind of figured she could get away with whatever and I wouldn't do jack shit about it. And I didn't really get mad that Crystal called me out on it, because I know it's true. I'm too nice. It goes that way with my friends, too. I've had plenty of so-called friends in the past who just backstab me for no real reason. So to be completely honest, I don't know who I can trust, and I don't know who to call my true friends anymore. I guess people change.
For example...a couple of weeks ago, I ran into Karen. She and I were tight way back in high school. She was in the graduating class after me. After I graduated, she and I vowed we'd keep in touch since we were BFF. I did everything I could to stay in touch, but she didn't do jack shit, and it just pissed me off. Then she moved all the way to Ohio, so I pretty much just forgot about her after that. So what happens when I run into her unexpectedly in downtown Lowell, of all places? She tries to be all chummy with me, like nothing ever happened. Did I play along? FUCK NO. She abandoned me when I could have really used her. So yeah, I got shitty with her and said, "Yeah, Karen, thanks for staying in touch with me all those years, I really appreciated it, since we're such best friends and all." See what I mean about really being sick of it all? I get used, I get taken advantage of, and then I get abandoned. I'm only an afterthought, just a doormat.
Another example...how many friends did I get Christmas presents for this year? How many presents did I get in return? None. I would have been happy if I had gotten even a tiny Christmas card or something. I barely got anything at all for my birthday (except what I got from Tina and my mom and grandma). I even got stuff for people who I really shouldn't have bought presents for at all. What the hell does that say about me? That I'm a pushover.
And you know...if we didn't have our limited time left for Rocky Horror, I'd probably quit sometime soon. But I'm not a quitter; I'm sticking with it till it's over. To be completely honest, I don't know why I keep doing it. I stii enjoy it, but not like I used to. I've lost my spirit for it. I don't know what happened to it. I need some motivation to keep doing it, I guess. It's just something I feel that I do out of habit anymore, and I don't even really get to have much fun doing it anymore, and that sheer fact makes me want to cry. Hell, I have to make the mad run from closing at work to get to the show to perform, so it's not like I get to socialize with my friends. Maybe I'm growing out of that phase of my life.
Oh well. I get to hang out with Jonny on Friday, which is going to be superfun.
Why the hell do I feel so lost anymore?
