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[personal profile] hollybrooke
And utilize an LJ cut in the process. Booyah!



You Are From Jupiter



You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness.
Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions.
Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom.
Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that.
If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.



********************

The Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel
this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you
to drink. Life would be better right now if you were
home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed
once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take
during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of
the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so
your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the
hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty
good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
********************

Do you guys think I'm a mega-asshole?!

Why so I always fall for the mega-assholes?! The kind of guys who will say anything they can to win a chick over, then turn around and (figuratively speaking) kick her in the stomach the next?

Yeah, I said I was over the wussy nice-guys (the Dan-types), but I didn't mean for the other side of the spectrum to be my fate.

What is WRONG with me?!
********************

[livejournal.com profile] mellebelle13 is cool because she's a Bad Girl. 'Nuff said. ;)
********************


The fact that when I want to post something meaningful here on my LiveJournal, like a rant or whatever, I have to write it down on paper in order to collect my thoughts and make sure that they make sense. Believe me, earlier today while at work, I had the most amazing thought in my head and I really should have wrote something down about it to remind me to come back to it.

Sheesh, am I losing my mind at the tender age of (nearly) 24? God, I hope not.

Oh well. I'll post it later here, when it's good and ready to go.
*********************

Dirty Joke Time!

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip, and he doesn't want his wife to go screwing around on him while he's gone for the whole week. So he goes to an adult entertainment store and asks the salesperson for some help. "I just want to maike sure my wife won't be screwing around, and I need to give her something to...you know, keep her preoccupied."

The salesperson says, "I know JUST what you need!" He goes in the back and brings out a mysterious looking box. He opens it and inside is what looks like a regular dildo. The man remarks, "That's just a dildo!" But the salesperson says, "This isn't just ANY dildo. This is a special voodoo dildo. You just tell it to do something and it will do it."

The guy goes, "Oh yeah? Let's see."

The salesperson says, "Voodoo dildo, that chair!" and the voodoo dildo leaps from the box and starts fucking the chair. The salesperson says, "Voodoo dildo, that inflatable doll!" and the voodoo dildo goes and fucks the inflatable doll. The man is SO impressed that he pays the salesman for it, content that he's bought something to keep his wife preoccupied. He gave her the box, left instructions for her on how to use it, and then he left.

A few days into his business trip, sure enough, the wife started getting horny. So she opens up the box and says, "Voodoo dildo, my pussy!" And sure enough, it starts fucking her. Problem is, she doesn't know how to get it to stop! So while the voodoo dildo is in her, just fucking away, she has to run to her car and drive back to the sex store to find out how to make it quit. Behind the wheel, however, as the voodoo dildo is going at it, she has the strongest orgasm she's ever had, cums HARD, and in her ecstatic state, slams on the breaks and get in an accident behind the wheel.

As the police are on the scene (and the voodoo dildo is STILL fucking her!), one comes up to the wife and asks, "What exactly happened here, ma'am?"

She explains everything to the officer, from how her husband was on a business trip and he got her this voodoo dildo. "And I don't know how to make it stop!!" she exclaimed.

The cop snickers as if he doesn't believe this, and says, "Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
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April 2012

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