You stay klassy, "Charm School."
Nov. 10th, 2008 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hollybrookeLast week on "Rock of Love: Charm School"...the girls recruited their own bands for a "Battle of the Bands;" hot guys took their shirts off, there was drama over Maura, her brother, and something Brandi M. DIDN'T say about it; CAMELTOE!; Megan was a a catty bitch and got physical with Brandi M.; and Sharon just got tired of Megan's shit and eliminated her, but that's okay, because Megan really wants to be a dentist. Oh wait, Brandi C. threatened to leave as well because Megan was axed, and she went batshit crazy in the process. But she's still in the competition. Because the nutso pink-blonde is good for ratings, now that the sociopathic Megan is gone.
At the beginning of this episode, we get mini-recaps from three girls who may end up on the chopping block tonight. Inna, who has been down for elimination a couple of times already, and knows she has no more room to mess things up. Brandi M., who has been down for elimination a few times herself as well, but manages to get out of it each time by pushing out a few tears. And Brandi C., who cries like a bratty little girl each and every episode. ESPECIALLY last week.
What this episode should be called?:
VH1 wants us to keep an eye on these three. I get it.
We open the morning after Megan's been eliminated. Now Brandi M. can breathe easy since the damn "retarded" dog is gone. Brandi C. and Lacey are upset. It's so sad with Megan the catty bitch gone. And Brandi C. is sooo heartbroken, she's sleeping with Megan's picture next to her bed. You know, a non-graffitied version of the picture. (Remember when Brandi M. vandalized them a few weeks ago? Yeah, I'm still laughing over that because they totally deserved it.) Brandi C. has thought about it, and she's decided she's going to stay in the competition to spite the other girls, as revenge, for her beloved Megan. Brandi C. has some major codependency issues, or has no real friends. She strikes me as a stage 5 clinger. Hon, stay in the competition and win it for yourself. NOT for that stupid idiot Megan.
Brandi M. is thanking her lucky stars that she's still in the competition. She runs down in her hoarse-y voice announcing that they got yet ANOTHER oversized note from Sharon! "Good morning, ladies. A well-rounded woman needs to be a true social chameleon, able to go from sipping cocktails with friends to sipping tea with royalty. Get ready to learn to fit in to any situation." She then instructs them to meet her in the Grand Hall in one hour.
An hour later, in their uniforms in the "Grand Hall," Daniella meets up with the girls and some other lady. The fourth commandment, for this episode, is "Thou Shalt NOT Rock Rude."
YAY! Today, we're getting an etiquette lesson! I expect this will go much better than when Kendra had her "etiquette" lesson on "The Girls Next Door," right?
Stay klassy, K-Dub. But I digress. CHARM SCHOOL!
Sharon think this one will be a hard one for the girls, because they came out of the womb naked, swearing, spitting...and they've been the same ever since. What, like they're feral cats or something?
So now it's time to make these girls klassy. Daniella introduces the girls to Lisa Gache, who is the president and co-founder of Beverly Hills Manners. She will be covering how the girls look and present themselves, how they sound, how they act...all that fun stuff. Lisa uses Heather as her guinea pig, and instructs her to pivot her foot or something while turning to sit. And she shows her how to sit with her LEGS CLOSED and ANKLES TOGETHER, which Heather does with no real problems, except she slightly bumps the chair while turning around. Lacey, in her interview, is saying, "Oh, Heather could benefit from this stuff the most. She wouldn't knoe etiquette if it was a brick that hit her in the face." Oh, like Lacey is a perfect lady herself.
Yay, now that Megan is gone, it's okay for me to hate on Lacey again. THANKS MEGAN!
Now they have Brandi C. try to move and sit properly. She tries to do it with the same smug look that Megan had perfected. She fails miserably. Dallas, in her interview, says that Brandi C. is having trouble moving around, but "it's quite obvious, because there's not a dick in between them." BURN, BABY!
Now it's time for them to learn some soup-eating skills. Do YOU think you know how to eat soup? Heather thinks you just dunk your bread roll in and try to scoop it up that way. Uh....no. Dallas, in her interview, is, "Heather, this is Charm School, not a fucking trailer park." Well....that's what Charm School is for, right? To learn how to be better at eating your soup, right?
How NOT to eat soup (at 4:20):
Well, the right way if you're a BEAST, anyway.
Anyway, you scoop your soup away from you, level the soup in the spoon, and then bring it to your lips. And try not to slurp.
(BTW, just to let you know, I'm eating tomato soup right now, and I dribbled some on my jeans. I'M SO KLASSY!!!!)
Brandi C. is going on in her interview about how fake Brandi M. is, trying to act like she knows how to eat soup, even though "she's the most vulgar, disgusting person on the planet, and she's trying to act...etiquette-ized."
YOU STAY KLASSY, BRANDI C!
Now Danielle announces that Sharon has invited a special guest for dinner tonight, the Duchess of Birmingshire, and they have to make her feel as welcome as possible. So Daniella appoints three people whom she has yet to see take a leadership role on the show: Dallas, Kristy Jo, and Inna. Because they have to learn about leadership, ya know. They're all nervous, especially classy Brandi C., who has a problem trying to entertain anyone who's not a man between the ages of 18 and 36. (YES, SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS.) Whoever is the most charming will be safe from expulsion. So now they have to divide up into teams.
I know, right? Inna wants ANYONE BUT Brandi C. and Lacey, because she knows they'll just screw it up for her and make her look bad. Lacey is pestering Kristy Jo to be on her team, but Kristy Jo tells her...
I think I'm starting to fall in love with Kristy Jo, as opposed to the headcase she was during ROL2. Kristy Jo presumes that crazy-colored hair will not sit over well with the Duchess (good thinking), so SHE doesn't want Lacey or Brandi C. on HER team, either.
Jem does not approve.
Yeah, I thought I could make it through this commentary without HER popping up. Damn you, Jem. Damn you to hell.
Anyhoo, Kristy Jo chooses Jessica and Brandi M., the two girls who don't have insanely crazy hair out of the group. Dallas chooses Destiney. Why?
At least Dallas acknowledges that a stripper can be smart. So why all the flack against Heather from everyone? I don't get it. But she chooses Heather, too.
So who does that leave poor Inna with?
She's DOOMED!!!!!!!! Dallas is chucking an evil, witchy laugh.
I empathize with Inna. This is why I hated high school. I was always chosen last for shit, and I always got stuck with craptacular teams. Daniella asks the team leaders why they chose who they chose. Inna pretty much says, "Because they were the only ones left" in regard to Lacey and Brandi C. Lacey, in her interview, is all, "Great,, I'm stuck with Inna, who couldn't even lead a pack of dogs." Lacey, the only reason you're stuck with Inna is because NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!
After all of the high-schoolery of this, in comes the Chief of Staff for the Duchess of Birmingshire, who looks a lot like Ricky Gervais:
Kristy Jo: "He's got the messed-up teeth, so we know he's from London." LAWL
"When meeting the Duchess for the first time, be sure to curtsy and bow your head. Never turn your back on the Duchess; this is a sign of disrespect. Always mind proper table manners. You must eat and drink at the same pace as the Duchess. Do not taste or sip unless she does so. Whenever speaking to the Duchess, you must address her by her full name,John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Page of Irvingcrow Harrington."
Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Page of Irvingcrow Harrington.
W.
T.
F?!
This has the potential to be as entertaining as an episode of "I Love Lucy!":
"The Duchess should never be exposed to another woman's decolletage."
dé⋅colle⋅tage
[dey-kol-tahzh, -kol-uh-, dek-uh-luh-; Fr. dey-kawl-tazh] Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the neckline of a dress cut low in the front or back and often across the shoulders.
2. a décolleté garment or costume.
(Basically, your boobie-chest area.) "No matter what she says to you, do not give the Duchess any alcohol." So she's a raging alcoholic? (Hey! Brandi C. thought the same thing!)
Let's see, anything else....uhm, don't expose her to bright light, don't get her wet, and don't feed her after midnight. Is that all?
(Seriously, if they ever chose to revive ANY movie franchise, I would LOVE a new Gremlins movie. Just my opinion.)
Ricky Gervais explains that if they break any of these rules, it would cause a great deal of embarrassment. Then he says, "Tootles!" and goes off on his merry British way. They're all dismissed.
Inna, Lacey and Brandi C. are going over the rules. Inna isn't sure what "decolletage" means. Lacey COULD'VE been a nice enough team member to explain "decolletage" to Inna, but "if Inna's that stupid, it's not my problem." AAAAAAAAAND I'm back to hating Lacey again! This is why she fails at life.
Lacey's practicing saying the Duchess' name over and over so she can commit it to memory. Good idea, Lacey. "Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington." Say it again. "Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington. Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington. She sell sea shells by the seashore. She sell seashells by the seashore. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Skinnamarinkydinkydink, skinnamarinkydoo, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun, yabba dabba doo, zip-a-dee-doo-dah-zip-a-dee-ay. So join the thousands of happy, peppy people, and get a great big bottle of Vitametavegamin tomorrow! That's Vit-a-meet-a-veg-a-min!" *winks*
*take a deep breath* Now THAT'S a mouthful!
Outside, Kristy Jo's team is practicing curtsy-ing, sitting, walking, and practicing the Duchess' full name. Brandi M. seems to be flubbing up the name, and Kristy Jo is worried because she doesn't want her team to screw things up.
Later on, they're all primped up and looking....well, as proper as you can get with this crowd. More covered up than usual. They all look uncomfortable. Dallas actually took out her labret piercing, and Lacey's hair....ugh. WTF? Well, Lacey's just not attractive in the first place. Heather's wearing some of the clothes from when she got made-over a few episodes back, so snaps to her. Sharon tells the girls that the team she finds most charming tonight is exempt from expulsion and everyone else is on the chopping block, blah blah blah, we've heard it before.
Anyway.....the DUCHESS!
*BWAH-HAHAHAHA* YEAH RIGHT. If Fergie were the real Duchess they were meeting, these girls would have it waaaay too easy. No, here's the "real" Duchess of Birmingshire:
Brandi C. says, "She looks like Sophia from 'The Golden Girls.' I can hang with Sophia!"
Uhm....no. (RIP, Estelle Getty.)
The girls all have to curtsy and greet her with her full name. Never mind the flustering nearly all the girls with that name. They're all nervous as hell. Lacey is the only one who does it correctly without flustering. Then the first problem arises. Inna, not aware of the concept of "decolletage" (THANKS, LACEY, YOU EVIL SKANK), dressed in a spaghetti-strap dress, exposing her shoulders and "decolletage." Her Royal Majesty is offended, and Ricky Gervais tells Inna so.
Meanwhile, from behind the curtain,the Wizard of Oz Ozzy's wife is all, "Why didn't she take a clue from how everyone else was dressed when she walked out?!" Yeah, why?! Maybe because her fellow team members are evil and are just looking to get her eliminated. Seriously, Lacey could've told Inna, but she had to be a selfish bitch. There is no "I" in team, Lacey. AAARGH.
Inna runs off to grab a shawl or something, while Lacey and Brandi C. are rolling their eyes the whole time, like, "Well, I never!" and "She fucked it up for us! We knew it!"
(*ha ha* Get it? Because they have to act klassy and distinguished...)
Inna arrives in time for the Duchess to see that she IS klassy!
Blah, whatever. They sit down for appetizers before dinner. Inna addresses the Duchess by her full name and asks if she would like something to drink. The Duchess requests wine. Inna nearly forgets that the Duchess is a raging alcoholic and can't be served any wine. She sits herself back down after remembering and explains that she was told not to serve her any alcohol. The Duchess DEMANDS some wine! Inna feels stupid. Was she not supposed to say that? Two strikes for Inna! The Duchess of Birmingham, Alabama, Paige Irving-Scarecrow Harry Potter tells Ricky Gervais, "Would you please bring me a bottle of sparkling water? I don't know what the other girls would like...but they don't want any wine." WAH-WAH-WAH!!
The Duchess asks Brandi C. to explain the color of her hair, because she doesn't understand it. Well, you see, she has these earrings, and when she fiddles with them and says "Showtime Synergy," she becomes pretty! No, Brandi C. actually explained earlier on that the reason she dyed her hair pink after "I Love Money" and before coming on "Charm School" was so people wouldn't regard herself as a dumb blonde anymore. SERIOUSLY. SHE SAID THAT. But not to the Duchess. If Brandi C. explained it to her, they cut it out for the show, because the Duchess thinks it looks "just dreadful" and advises her to wear a cap.
Well, here ya go, Brandi C.:
Lacey thinks the Duchess is being pissy. She didn't think royalty could be so pissy. SHE'S ROYALTY AND SHE CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL SHE WANTS!................EXCEPT DRINK WINE!
Up next is Kristy Jo's team for actual dinner with Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Bananarama, Paige Irving-Crow T. Robot Herringbone. Brandi M. messes up her name. Poor thing looks so nervous, she might get sick. They follow her to the table. They attempt to sit down. The Duchess stands back up and brushes off her outfit. Brandi M., Kristy Jo and Jessica get up as well. Remember that they can't sit unless she's seated? The Duchess sits back down. So do the girls. Then the Duchess gets back up to fuss with her hair and hat. Up comes Kristy Jo, Brandi M. and Jessica! It's like a crazy game of musical chairs! Down they all go again! The Duchess asks if she can have a glass of wine. Do these girls remember? YES, THEY DO! Brandi M. actually skirts around this very nicely, apologizes, and fibs to the Duchess, "We do not have any alcohol at this bar." The Duchess responds, "Well, that's perfectly all right. Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault. Just learn to put the blame where it belongs."
The Duchess reminds me of the eldest Lorelai Gilmore AKA "Trix":
Jessica attempts conversation with the Duchess. In her interview, she says by the time you get done saying her name, you forget what you were going to say!
Silence. The Duchess: "We are having dinner, aren't we?" They all tell her that they are. "Do you have any idea when?" Once again, reminds me of Trix. Sharon is laughing her ass offbehind the curtain in her office. They are served soup. Do they remember how to eat soup? Yes. Do they eat/sip when she does so? Yes. SOMEONE is slurping, though! (I bet it's Brandi M. You know, because "she's soooo uncouth!") Brandi M. attempts to address the Duchess by her full name, but she's so nervous she keeps flubbing it, and the Duchess is not happy. "It is always important to learn your betters' names." Brandi M. apologizes, and the Duchess tells her she SHOULD be sorry. (Sheesh! Bitch much?) Poor Brandi M. looks so embarrassed. She has Brandi M. and Jessica switch spots. Kristy Jo realizes that having those two switch spots must mean that the Duchess doesn't want to speak with Brandi M. That's not good for her team. Silence again. Jessica attempts to tell a joke....but it's not a very funny one. Know what's a good joke?
HA HA HA! Wasn't that funny?! I thought it was!
The Duchess is not amused. Time to bring in the other group of girls for tea and dessert.
......Little do the girls know that Sharon is observing all of this from her office. SNEAKY! And little do the girls know that.....she's not a real Duchess! Sharon hired an actress! Oh, Sharon, you're EVIL!!! *rubs hands together with glee*
Check out what Destiney is wearing. She looks like......well.....a ungreen version of the Wicked Witch of the West. UGH.
Heather attempts to serve Her Royal Highness, Duchess of Devon-Heavenshire, Paige Eating-Crow Hairy-Armpits some tea, and she spills it all over the tablecloth. Dallas is all, "I can't believe Heather would pour the tea all over the tablecloth! UGH!" Methinks that Ricky Gervais should've taught them about the concept of British tea. (Unless it was cut out of the show...) Anyway, Dallas pours on the charm and compliments the Duchess on her hat.
Onto dessert! "Oh, I do love spotted dick!"
..........Jigga-WHAT?!!!
There ya go. Spotted dick. Ya ever have it? Because I never have. The Duchess asks Destiney, "Have you had spotted dick before?" She's trying to refrain from laughing. From her office, Sharon explains to Daniella that spotted dick is actually a warm sponge cake with custard on top. Sounds just yummy. (All of a sudden, I'm remembering when Kendra called the Queen of England a "sausage wallet" at the Renaissance Faire on "The Girls Next Door.")
The Duchess decides to get up to look around the room. So Heather, Dallas and Destiney have to get up and follow her because they can't turn their back on her; that's disrespectful. It's funny, they're all twirling around and getting dizzy because the Duchess keeps turning around and confusing them. Sharon is having a good laff over this in her office.
Frickin' HELL, Sharon. You're terrible!
(And anyone else notice that THERE'S NO JACK HOOKED INTO SHARON'S TELEPHONE?!)
But really, it doesn't seem like Dallas' team did all that bad. The girls all get together to form an un-receiving line and bid Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Hillshire Farms, Paige Washington Irving Comb-Hair-Over a good evening. The Duchess has left the building, and relief washes over the girls in a massive wave.
Sharon and Daniella emerge. How did the girls do? Well....Daniella admits it was hard to watch. Sharon is trying to act like she was appalled with how Brandi M. kept goofing up the Duchess' name, and she also points out how Jessica looked scared as hell, but she's trying to keep from laughing. Inna and her lack-of-dress. Brandi C. is all, "What a shocker, the judges are embarrassed by her wardrobe. AGAIN." Uhm....nah. Too easy. But the girls with the spotted dick won this one. BOOYAH!!!!! Sharon tells Dallas and her team that they deserve to relax for a few hours.
The next day, all the girls are relaxing by the pool and getting hammered. They get another oversized note from Sharon! Now the girls have to make some difficult decisions, and the leaders from the losing teams have to decide who the weakest link was from their team and put them up for expulsion. And they have to have a reason why, too. "Don't just pull names out of a bloody cap. You know you love me! XOXO, Sharon!"
Destiney speaks up and tells Lacey and Brandi C. that she didn't understand why they--as team members--couldn't have at least spoken up and told Inna to put a shawl or something on to cover herself up. I mean, one of the commandments of Charm School is "Thou shalt rock together," right? Destiney wanted to tell Inna so badly to go do so, but Inna was not a member of her team. Brandi C. gets all defensive because she wasn't the one who told Lacey to cover up; Lacey told Lacey to cover up, for example, and Brandi C. didn't think it was a problem with what Inna was wearing. This is the worst logic ever used, really. But it's Brandi C.; are we really surprised? Inna KNEW this would happen if she had these two dipshits as her team members. So who should go up on the carpet for Inna's team? Frankly, Inna thinks she should be up there. Lacey says, "Okay, I appreciate that."
They were the other team members who dropped the ball and didn't tell her to cover up. Once again, that's Lacey just looking out for herself. My Lacey-hatred just went up a little more. Brandi C.'s just a pathetic lemming.
Meanwhile, Kristy Jo, Brandi M. and Jessica are pow-wowing over who should go up for their team. "Can't we all go up?" Jessica asks. Kristy Jo volunteers to go down, but that won't make sense because they know Sharon will ask, and Sharon doesn't expect a bullshit answer. Brandi M. feels she should've just listened better because she couldn't get the name right, so she volunteers herself.
Ugh, Brandi M.'s tattoos....DO NOT LIKE.
Then later on, Brandi M. comes up to Kristy Jo and is all, "I was thinking about it, and I don't want to go up because I will go home." Because this will be her third time up there, and she's already grating on Sharon's nerves. And it isn't fair. No, Brandi M., life is not fair. So she tries convincing Jessica that she (meaning Jessica) is here to develop a backbone, so maybe she should be up on the chopping block. WHAT THE HELL.....?!! Frickin' hell, Jessica, stand up for yourself now and tell Brandi M., "No, you idiot. YOU screwed it up for us, and I am not getting up there just because you know you'll get eliminated if you go." But....Jessica lets herself get confused, and used. I thought she was smart. And I finally start NOT LIKING Brandi M.
Elimination time. Dallas, Heather and Destiney are safe tonight. Inna goes down to the carpet for her team. (Even though Lacey and Brandi C. should be sharing some of the blame. Selfish bitches.) Sharon asks Kristy Jo who they decided on for her team....and Kristy Jo goes up.
Okay, total opposite of the other team. Jessica speaks up and says, "We did not pick Kristy Jo, I'm the one who should be on the carpet."
(And if you've never watched WWE and don't know that Stone Cold Steve Austin "WHAT?!" gimmick....you just don't get it. Sorry.)
So the others are willing to sacrifice themselves over the weakest link, while Brandi C. and Lacey just let Inna take it all on herself. What the hell is wrong with this picture?! Meanwhile, Brandi M. is just standing in her space, not saying or doing anything. Just gonna let Jessica and Kristy Jo take the blame for her. UGH. Sharon wants an explanation. Kristy Jo says the reason why she put herself up there is because neither Brandi M. nor Jessica could decide amongst themselves. THAT'S a stupid reason, isn't it? Plus, she feels guilty because she and Brandi M. are letting Jessica take the fall for being talked into putting herself in this situation in the first place. But Brandi M. is still in her spot in the group. UGH!!! Dallas wishes they would just quit playing musical chairs. (So do I. This is stupid. Riki thinks so, too.)
Sharon finally asks Brandi M., the only one in their group not on the expulsion block, if she knows who was supposed to be up. Brandi M. lies and says, "Jessica was." GAWD, I'm ready for her to be eliminated. Kristy Jo goes back to her spot.
Sharon asks Inna how her team arrived at the decision to put her up for expulsion. Inna says that she did, in fact, volunteer herself. No team member arguing about this from Lacey or Brandi C. Sharon asks Jessica why her team picked her, and Jessica explains how she was pretty much talked into it. Sharon asks Kristy Jo about this, and Kristy Jo FINALLY says that Brandi M. was originally supposed to be up there instead, but got scared that she'd get eliminated for sure. Daniella thinks this is a bunch of crap, really. Sharon has to call a third person down for expulsion...so she tells Brandi M. to get her butt down on the carpet.
Riki's thoughts? Once again, can't understand why Inna didn't just cover up like the rest of the girls. Jessica....doesn't get why he let herself be talked into this. Brandi M....he doesn't like to see her up on the chopping block, but she seems to be making this a habit of hers. Here comes Brandi M.'s waterworks! Daniella tells Inna that she emphasized "dressing appropriately," tells Jessica that she needs to believe in herself a little bit better and more, and she tells Brandi M. that she recognized how nervous she was, and a lot of her problem is preparation and focus. Brandi M. pleads her case, crying the whole way. At least she's not in hysterics about it like Brandi C. was last week. Sharon recognizes sincerity and passion when she sees it, so she sends Brandi M. back to her place in the group. Whatever, Sharon. If you can keep granting clemency to Brandi M. for all of her screw-ups, what about Inna?
They just keep dragging this out, and Jessica's in tears now. All Inna can say is "I need to be here, I deserve to be here more than other people because I'm trying." Sharon tells Jessica that being a pushover like that won't get her very far in life. However, Inna should've known better.
Jessica got lucky. Inna's been expelled. She forfeits her pledge pin, and Sharon wishes her the best of luck and hopes she gets her dream of running her own beauty salon. All of the other girls rush down and hug Inna goodbye....all of the girls, that is, except for Lacey and Brandi C. UGH. Heartless bitches.
Class is dismissed. But not until Sharon finally 'fesses up and tells the girls that the Duchess was really an actress.
Funny how all it took was a good night's sleep to sharpen my wit.
At the beginning of this episode, we get mini-recaps from three girls who may end up on the chopping block tonight. Inna, who has been down for elimination a couple of times already, and knows she has no more room to mess things up. Brandi M., who has been down for elimination a few times herself as well, but manages to get out of it each time by pushing out a few tears. And Brandi C., who cries like a bratty little girl each and every episode. ESPECIALLY last week.
What this episode should be called?:
VH1 wants us to keep an eye on these three. I get it.
We open the morning after Megan's been eliminated. Now Brandi M. can breathe easy since the damn "retarded" dog is gone. Brandi C. and Lacey are upset. It's so sad with Megan the catty bitch gone. And Brandi C. is sooo heartbroken, she's sleeping with Megan's picture next to her bed. You know, a non-graffitied version of the picture. (Remember when Brandi M. vandalized them a few weeks ago? Yeah, I'm still laughing over that because they totally deserved it.) Brandi C. has thought about it, and she's decided she's going to stay in the competition to spite the other girls, as revenge, for her beloved Megan. Brandi C. has some major codependency issues, or has no real friends. She strikes me as a stage 5 clinger. Hon, stay in the competition and win it for yourself. NOT for that stupid idiot Megan.
Brandi M. is thanking her lucky stars that she's still in the competition. She runs down in her hoarse-y voice announcing that they got yet ANOTHER oversized note from Sharon! "Good morning, ladies. A well-rounded woman needs to be a true social chameleon, able to go from sipping cocktails with friends to sipping tea with royalty. Get ready to learn to fit in to any situation." She then instructs them to meet her in the Grand Hall in one hour.
An hour later, in their uniforms in the "Grand Hall," Daniella meets up with the girls and some other lady. The fourth commandment, for this episode, is "Thou Shalt NOT Rock Rude."
YAY! Today, we're getting an etiquette lesson! I expect this will go much better than when Kendra had her "etiquette" lesson on "The Girls Next Door," right?
Stay klassy, K-Dub. But I digress. CHARM SCHOOL!
Sharon think this one will be a hard one for the girls, because they came out of the womb naked, swearing, spitting...and they've been the same ever since. What, like they're feral cats or something?
So now it's time to make these girls klassy. Daniella introduces the girls to Lisa Gache, who is the president and co-founder of Beverly Hills Manners. She will be covering how the girls look and present themselves, how they sound, how they act...all that fun stuff. Lisa uses Heather as her guinea pig, and instructs her to pivot her foot or something while turning to sit. And she shows her how to sit with her LEGS CLOSED and ANKLES TOGETHER, which Heather does with no real problems, except she slightly bumps the chair while turning around. Lacey, in her interview, is saying, "Oh, Heather could benefit from this stuff the most. She wouldn't knoe etiquette if it was a brick that hit her in the face." Oh, like Lacey is a perfect lady herself.
Yay, now that Megan is gone, it's okay for me to hate on Lacey again. THANKS MEGAN!
Now they have Brandi C. try to move and sit properly. She tries to do it with the same smug look that Megan had perfected. She fails miserably. Dallas, in her interview, says that Brandi C. is having trouble moving around, but "it's quite obvious, because there's not a dick in between them." BURN, BABY!
Now it's time for them to learn some soup-eating skills. Do YOU think you know how to eat soup? Heather thinks you just dunk your bread roll in and try to scoop it up that way. Uh....no. Dallas, in her interview, is, "Heather, this is Charm School, not a fucking trailer park." Well....that's what Charm School is for, right? To learn how to be better at eating your soup, right?
How NOT to eat soup (at 4:20):
Well, the right way if you're a BEAST, anyway.
Anyway, you scoop your soup away from you, level the soup in the spoon, and then bring it to your lips. And try not to slurp.
(BTW, just to let you know, I'm eating tomato soup right now, and I dribbled some on my jeans. I'M SO KLASSY!!!!)
Brandi C. is going on in her interview about how fake Brandi M. is, trying to act like she knows how to eat soup, even though "she's the most vulgar, disgusting person on the planet, and she's trying to act...etiquette-ized."
YOU STAY KLASSY, BRANDI C!
Now Danielle announces that Sharon has invited a special guest for dinner tonight, the Duchess of Birmingshire, and they have to make her feel as welcome as possible. So Daniella appoints three people whom she has yet to see take a leadership role on the show: Dallas, Kristy Jo, and Inna. Because they have to learn about leadership, ya know. They're all nervous, especially classy Brandi C., who has a problem trying to entertain anyone who's not a man between the ages of 18 and 36. (YES, SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS.) Whoever is the most charming will be safe from expulsion. So now they have to divide up into teams.
I know, right? Inna wants ANYONE BUT Brandi C. and Lacey, because she knows they'll just screw it up for her and make her look bad. Lacey is pestering Kristy Jo to be on her team, but Kristy Jo tells her...
I think I'm starting to fall in love with Kristy Jo, as opposed to the headcase she was during ROL2. Kristy Jo presumes that crazy-colored hair will not sit over well with the Duchess (good thinking), so SHE doesn't want Lacey or Brandi C. on HER team, either.
Jem does not approve.
Yeah, I thought I could make it through this commentary without HER popping up. Damn you, Jem. Damn you to hell.
Anyhoo, Kristy Jo chooses Jessica and Brandi M., the two girls who don't have insanely crazy hair out of the group. Dallas chooses Destiney. Why?
At least Dallas acknowledges that a stripper can be smart. So why all the flack against Heather from everyone? I don't get it. But she chooses Heather, too.
So who does that leave poor Inna with?
She's DOOMED!!!!!!!! Dallas is chucking an evil, witchy laugh.
I empathize with Inna. This is why I hated high school. I was always chosen last for shit, and I always got stuck with craptacular teams. Daniella asks the team leaders why they chose who they chose. Inna pretty much says, "Because they were the only ones left" in regard to Lacey and Brandi C. Lacey, in her interview, is all, "Great,, I'm stuck with Inna, who couldn't even lead a pack of dogs." Lacey, the only reason you're stuck with Inna is because NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!
After all of the high-schoolery of this, in comes the Chief of Staff for the Duchess of Birmingshire, who looks a lot like Ricky Gervais:
Kristy Jo: "He's got the messed-up teeth, so we know he's from London." LAWL
"When meeting the Duchess for the first time, be sure to curtsy and bow your head. Never turn your back on the Duchess; this is a sign of disrespect. Always mind proper table manners. You must eat and drink at the same pace as the Duchess. Do not taste or sip unless she does so. Whenever speaking to the Duchess, you must address her by her full name,
Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Page of Irvingcrow Harrington.
W.
T.
F?!
This has the potential to be as entertaining as an episode of "I Love Lucy!":
"The Duchess should never be exposed to another woman's decolletage."
dé⋅colle⋅tage
[dey-kol-tahzh, -kol-uh-, dek-uh-luh-; Fr. dey-kawl-tazh] Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the neckline of a dress cut low in the front or back and often across the shoulders.
2. a décolleté garment or costume.
(Basically, your boobie-chest area.) "No matter what she says to you, do not give the Duchess any alcohol." So she's a raging alcoholic? (Hey! Brandi C. thought the same thing!)
Let's see, anything else....uhm, don't expose her to bright light, don't get her wet, and don't feed her after midnight. Is that all?
(Seriously, if they ever chose to revive ANY movie franchise, I would LOVE a new Gremlins movie. Just my opinion.)
Ricky Gervais explains that if they break any of these rules, it would cause a great deal of embarrassment. Then he says, "Tootles!" and goes off on his merry British way. They're all dismissed.
Inna, Lacey and Brandi C. are going over the rules. Inna isn't sure what "decolletage" means. Lacey COULD'VE been a nice enough team member to explain "decolletage" to Inna, but "if Inna's that stupid, it's not my problem." AAAAAAAAAND I'm back to hating Lacey again! This is why she fails at life.
Lacey's practicing saying the Duchess' name over and over so she can commit it to memory. Good idea, Lacey. "Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington." Say it again. "Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington. Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Birmingshire, Paige Irvingcrow Harrington. She sell sea shells by the seashore. She sell seashells by the seashore. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Skinnamarinkydinkydink, skinnamarinkydoo, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun, yabba dabba doo, zip-a-dee-doo-dah-zip-a-dee-ay. So join the thousands of happy, peppy people, and get a great big bottle of Vitametavegamin tomorrow! That's Vit-a-meet-a-veg-a-min!" *winks*
*take a deep breath* Now THAT'S a mouthful!
Outside, Kristy Jo's team is practicing curtsy-ing, sitting, walking, and practicing the Duchess' full name. Brandi M. seems to be flubbing up the name, and Kristy Jo is worried because she doesn't want her team to screw things up.
Later on, they're all primped up and looking....well, as proper as you can get with this crowd. More covered up than usual. They all look uncomfortable. Dallas actually took out her labret piercing, and Lacey's hair....ugh. WTF? Well, Lacey's just not attractive in the first place. Heather's wearing some of the clothes from when she got made-over a few episodes back, so snaps to her. Sharon tells the girls that the team she finds most charming tonight is exempt from expulsion and everyone else is on the chopping block, blah blah blah, we've heard it before.
Anyway.....the DUCHESS!
*BWAH-HAHAHAHA* YEAH RIGHT. If Fergie were the real Duchess they were meeting, these girls would have it waaaay too easy. No, here's the "real" Duchess of Birmingshire:
Brandi C. says, "She looks like Sophia from 'The Golden Girls.' I can hang with Sophia!"
Uhm....no. (RIP, Estelle Getty.)
The girls all have to curtsy and greet her with her full name. Never mind the flustering nearly all the girls with that name. They're all nervous as hell. Lacey is the only one who does it correctly without flustering. Then the first problem arises. Inna, not aware of the concept of "decolletage" (THANKS, LACEY, YOU EVIL SKANK), dressed in a spaghetti-strap dress, exposing her shoulders and "decolletage." Her Royal Majesty is offended, and Ricky Gervais tells Inna so.
Meanwhile, from behind the curtain,
Inna runs off to grab a shawl or something, while Lacey and Brandi C. are rolling their eyes the whole time, like, "Well, I never!" and "She fucked it up for us! We knew it!"
(*ha ha* Get it? Because they have to act klassy and distinguished...)
Inna arrives in time for the Duchess to see that she IS klassy!
Blah, whatever. They sit down for appetizers before dinner. Inna addresses the Duchess by her full name and asks if she would like something to drink. The Duchess requests wine. Inna nearly forgets that the Duchess is a raging alcoholic and can't be served any wine. She sits herself back down after remembering and explains that she was told not to serve her any alcohol. The Duchess DEMANDS some wine! Inna feels stupid. Was she not supposed to say that? Two strikes for Inna! The Duchess of Birmingham, Alabama, Paige Irving-Scarecrow Harry Potter tells Ricky Gervais, "Would you please bring me a bottle of sparkling water? I don't know what the other girls would like...but they don't want any wine." WAH-WAH-WAH!!
The Duchess asks Brandi C. to explain the color of her hair, because she doesn't understand it. Well, you see, she has these earrings, and when she fiddles with them and says "Showtime Synergy," she becomes pretty! No, Brandi C. actually explained earlier on that the reason she dyed her hair pink after "I Love Money" and before coming on "Charm School" was so people wouldn't regard herself as a dumb blonde anymore. SERIOUSLY. SHE SAID THAT. But not to the Duchess. If Brandi C. explained it to her, they cut it out for the show, because the Duchess thinks it looks "just dreadful" and advises her to wear a cap.
Well, here ya go, Brandi C.:
Lacey thinks the Duchess is being pissy. She didn't think royalty could be so pissy. SHE'S ROYALTY AND SHE CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL SHE WANTS!................EXCEPT DRINK WINE!
Up next is Kristy Jo's team for actual dinner with Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Bananarama, Paige Irving-Crow T. Robot Herringbone. Brandi M. messes up her name. Poor thing looks so nervous, she might get sick. They follow her to the table. They attempt to sit down. The Duchess stands back up and brushes off her outfit. Brandi M., Kristy Jo and Jessica get up as well. Remember that they can't sit unless she's seated? The Duchess sits back down. So do the girls. Then the Duchess gets back up to fuss with her hair and hat. Up comes Kristy Jo, Brandi M. and Jessica! It's like a crazy game of musical chairs! Down they all go again! The Duchess asks if she can have a glass of wine. Do these girls remember? YES, THEY DO! Brandi M. actually skirts around this very nicely, apologizes, and fibs to the Duchess, "We do not have any alcohol at this bar." The Duchess responds, "Well, that's perfectly all right. Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault. Just learn to put the blame where it belongs."
The Duchess reminds me of the eldest Lorelai Gilmore AKA "Trix":
Jessica attempts conversation with the Duchess. In her interview, she says by the time you get done saying her name, you forget what you were going to say!
Silence. The Duchess: "We are having dinner, aren't we?" They all tell her that they are. "Do you have any idea when?" Once again, reminds me of Trix. Sharon is laughing her ass off
HA HA HA! Wasn't that funny?! I thought it was!
The Duchess is not amused. Time to bring in the other group of girls for tea and dessert.
......Little do the girls know that Sharon is observing all of this from her office. SNEAKY! And little do the girls know that.....she's not a real Duchess! Sharon hired an actress! Oh, Sharon, you're EVIL!!! *rubs hands together with glee*
Check out what Destiney is wearing. She looks like......well.....a ungreen version of the Wicked Witch of the West. UGH.
Heather attempts to serve Her Royal Highness, Duchess of Devon-Heavenshire, Paige Eating-Crow Hairy-Armpits some tea, and she spills it all over the tablecloth. Dallas is all, "I can't believe Heather would pour the tea all over the tablecloth! UGH!" Methinks that Ricky Gervais should've taught them about the concept of British tea. (Unless it was cut out of the show...) Anyway, Dallas pours on the charm and compliments the Duchess on her hat.
Onto dessert! "Oh, I do love spotted dick!"
..........Jigga-WHAT?!!!
There ya go. Spotted dick. Ya ever have it? Because I never have. The Duchess asks Destiney, "Have you had spotted dick before?" She's trying to refrain from laughing. From her office, Sharon explains to Daniella that spotted dick is actually a warm sponge cake with custard on top. Sounds just yummy. (All of a sudden, I'm remembering when Kendra called the Queen of England a "sausage wallet" at the Renaissance Faire on "The Girls Next Door.")
The Duchess decides to get up to look around the room. So Heather, Dallas and Destiney have to get up and follow her because they can't turn their back on her; that's disrespectful. It's funny, they're all twirling around and getting dizzy because the Duchess keeps turning around and confusing them. Sharon is having a good laff over this in her office.
Frickin' HELL, Sharon. You're terrible!
(And anyone else notice that THERE'S NO JACK HOOKED INTO SHARON'S TELEPHONE?!)
But really, it doesn't seem like Dallas' team did all that bad. The girls all get together to form an un-receiving line and bid Her Royal Highness, the Duchess of Hillshire Farms, Paige Washington Irving Comb-Hair-Over a good evening. The Duchess has left the building, and relief washes over the girls in a massive wave.
Sharon and Daniella emerge. How did the girls do? Well....Daniella admits it was hard to watch. Sharon is trying to act like she was appalled with how Brandi M. kept goofing up the Duchess' name, and she also points out how Jessica looked scared as hell, but she's trying to keep from laughing. Inna and her lack-of-dress. Brandi C. is all, "What a shocker, the judges are embarrassed by her wardrobe. AGAIN." Uhm....nah. Too easy. But the girls with the spotted dick won this one. BOOYAH!!!!! Sharon tells Dallas and her team that they deserve to relax for a few hours.
The next day, all the girls are relaxing by the pool and getting hammered. They get another oversized note from Sharon! Now the girls have to make some difficult decisions, and the leaders from the losing teams have to decide who the weakest link was from their team and put them up for expulsion. And they have to have a reason why, too. "Don't just pull names out of a bloody cap. You know you love me! XOXO, Sharon!"
Destiney speaks up and tells Lacey and Brandi C. that she didn't understand why they--as team members--couldn't have at least spoken up and told Inna to put a shawl or something on to cover herself up. I mean, one of the commandments of Charm School is "Thou shalt rock together," right? Destiney wanted to tell Inna so badly to go do so, but Inna was not a member of her team. Brandi C. gets all defensive because she wasn't the one who told Lacey to cover up; Lacey told Lacey to cover up, for example, and Brandi C. didn't think it was a problem with what Inna was wearing. This is the worst logic ever used, really. But it's Brandi C.; are we really surprised? Inna KNEW this would happen if she had these two dipshits as her team members. So who should go up on the carpet for Inna's team? Frankly, Inna thinks she should be up there. Lacey says, "Okay, I appreciate that."
They were the other team members who dropped the ball and didn't tell her to cover up. Once again, that's Lacey just looking out for herself. My Lacey-hatred just went up a little more. Brandi C.'s just a pathetic lemming.
Meanwhile, Kristy Jo, Brandi M. and Jessica are pow-wowing over who should go up for their team. "Can't we all go up?" Jessica asks. Kristy Jo volunteers to go down, but that won't make sense because they know Sharon will ask, and Sharon doesn't expect a bullshit answer. Brandi M. feels she should've just listened better because she couldn't get the name right, so she volunteers herself.
Ugh, Brandi M.'s tattoos....DO NOT LIKE.
Then later on, Brandi M. comes up to Kristy Jo and is all, "I was thinking about it, and I don't want to go up because I will go home." Because this will be her third time up there, and she's already grating on Sharon's nerves. And it isn't fair. No, Brandi M., life is not fair. So she tries convincing Jessica that she (meaning Jessica) is here to develop a backbone, so maybe she should be up on the chopping block. WHAT THE HELL.....?!! Frickin' hell, Jessica, stand up for yourself now and tell Brandi M., "No, you idiot. YOU screwed it up for us, and I am not getting up there just because you know you'll get eliminated if you go." But....Jessica lets herself get confused, and used. I thought she was smart. And I finally start NOT LIKING Brandi M.
Elimination time. Dallas, Heather and Destiney are safe tonight. Inna goes down to the carpet for her team. (Even though Lacey and Brandi C. should be sharing some of the blame. Selfish bitches.) Sharon asks Kristy Jo who they decided on for her team....and Kristy Jo goes up.
Okay, total opposite of the other team. Jessica speaks up and says, "We did not pick Kristy Jo, I'm the one who should be on the carpet."
(And if you've never watched WWE and don't know that Stone Cold Steve Austin "WHAT?!" gimmick....you just don't get it. Sorry.)
So the others are willing to sacrifice themselves over the weakest link, while Brandi C. and Lacey just let Inna take it all on herself. What the hell is wrong with this picture?! Meanwhile, Brandi M. is just standing in her space, not saying or doing anything. Just gonna let Jessica and Kristy Jo take the blame for her. UGH. Sharon wants an explanation. Kristy Jo says the reason why she put herself up there is because neither Brandi M. nor Jessica could decide amongst themselves. THAT'S a stupid reason, isn't it? Plus, she feels guilty because she and Brandi M. are letting Jessica take the fall for being talked into putting herself in this situation in the first place. But Brandi M. is still in her spot in the group. UGH!!! Dallas wishes they would just quit playing musical chairs. (So do I. This is stupid. Riki thinks so, too.)
Sharon finally asks Brandi M., the only one in their group not on the expulsion block, if she knows who was supposed to be up. Brandi M. lies and says, "Jessica was." GAWD, I'm ready for her to be eliminated. Kristy Jo goes back to her spot.
Sharon asks Inna how her team arrived at the decision to put her up for expulsion. Inna says that she did, in fact, volunteer herself. No team member arguing about this from Lacey or Brandi C. Sharon asks Jessica why her team picked her, and Jessica explains how she was pretty much talked into it. Sharon asks Kristy Jo about this, and Kristy Jo FINALLY says that Brandi M. was originally supposed to be up there instead, but got scared that she'd get eliminated for sure. Daniella thinks this is a bunch of crap, really. Sharon has to call a third person down for expulsion...so she tells Brandi M. to get her butt down on the carpet.
Riki's thoughts? Once again, can't understand why Inna didn't just cover up like the rest of the girls. Jessica....doesn't get why he let herself be talked into this. Brandi M....he doesn't like to see her up on the chopping block, but she seems to be making this a habit of hers. Here comes Brandi M.'s waterworks! Daniella tells Inna that she emphasized "dressing appropriately," tells Jessica that she needs to believe in herself a little bit better and more, and she tells Brandi M. that she recognized how nervous she was, and a lot of her problem is preparation and focus. Brandi M. pleads her case, crying the whole way. At least she's not in hysterics about it like Brandi C. was last week. Sharon recognizes sincerity and passion when she sees it, so she sends Brandi M. back to her place in the group. Whatever, Sharon. If you can keep granting clemency to Brandi M. for all of her screw-ups, what about Inna?
They just keep dragging this out, and Jessica's in tears now. All Inna can say is "I need to be here, I deserve to be here more than other people because I'm trying." Sharon tells Jessica that being a pushover like that won't get her very far in life. However, Inna should've known better.
Jessica got lucky. Inna's been expelled. She forfeits her pledge pin, and Sharon wishes her the best of luck and hopes she gets her dream of running her own beauty salon. All of the other girls rush down and hug Inna goodbye....all of the girls, that is, except for Lacey and Brandi C. UGH. Heartless bitches.
Class is dismissed. But not until Sharon finally 'fesses up and tells the girls that the Duchess was really an actress.
Funny how all it took was a good night's sleep to sharpen my wit.
