"Charm School" is in session, bitches!
Oct. 19th, 2008 06:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hollybrookeLast week on "Rock of Love: Charm School," we got to see the skanks who want to make themselves over into...non-skanky types. We got reacquainted with Sharon Osbourne, and we met the deans. Megan wanted to be a trophy wife, Brandi M. burped and farted, Lacey started shit with Dallas and got an apple thrown at her head in the process, Raven felt she was above this shit and eliminated herself, and Courtney got eliminated because she's a total lush.
HERE ARE THE FEATURED WORDS OF THIS EPISODE: "Pink" and "fatties."
The next morning, Lacey and Dallas are up bright and early, primping in front of their vanity mirrors. Lacey's all, "My ear is still ringing from Dallas throwing that apple at me, WTF?" Cut to Angelique, ze French streeper, fixing her terr-ee-ble extensions (and you thought Britney Spears' extensions were bad!) and putting her makeup on her face. And hoo boy, does Angelique have some duck lips! They're like putting both Mary-Kate and Ashley's duck lips together! Whatevair, Angelique ees all about ze seckz. (And you HAVE to mention this whenever you mention Angelique, because she is FRENCH and SEXAY!)
Meanwhile, Lacey convenes outside with her two new BFFs/allies-for-the-moment Brandi C. and Megan about who should and shouldn't be here. (And I about fell out of my chair when Lacey calls them "Ladies!" What a joke.) Of course, Lacey just bitches about Dallas still being around. You know, if Lacey just put half as much energy into making herself a better person instead ofscheming of committing a hate crime hating on Dallas all the damn time, she MIGHT have a chance of winning Charm School. (And given the spoilers that I heard, I'm amazed she'll make it as far as she does. Who does she have to blow to keep getting ahead--Rikki Rachtman? We'll see as we watch on!)
Lacey: "She (Dallas) absolutely does not deserve to be here, that's the bottom line."
Brandi C.: "And what does Lacey do when someone doesn't deserve to be here?"
Lacey: "She takes 'em out!"
Gotta love how Lacey tries to look classy in her dress and high heels. And gotta love how Brandi C. looks like a trippy stoner porn queen with her messed-up pink/blonde hair and rainbow striped bikini. Oh, and Lacey can't walk for crap in high heels, sorry to say.
Lacey tries to come up with a way of messing with Dallas without her knowing it's Lacey doing it. Good luck. I think Dallas is going to have eyes in the back of her head for the entire duration she's here, given Lacey's track record. Lacey asks Brandi C. and Megan who they think shouldn't be here. Brandi C.'s all, "Besides everybody?" (Ugh.) She points out Brandi M., "because she's a foul pig." Yeah, she's not very couth, but isn't the point of Charm School to try to change that sort of behavior? Brandi M. definitely deserves to be at Charm School for that alone. WTF is up Brandi C.'s ass? Like she's perfect and doesn't need to change? Brandi C. says, "Everything she (Brandi M.) says sounds like a line she made up before she got here." They all hate Heather, too. Why? Because she's Heather. Because they had to deal with her on both "Rock of Love" runs and "I Love Money." Because Heather is the epitome of a truly awesome rock star beyotch and they're just jealous.
Speaking of Heather, she finds an oversized note from Sharon waiting for all of them. She goes out by the pool where the rest of the girls are all loafing about and reads the note: "I hope you enjoy the little care package I've put together for each of you. You may want to wear the bikinis included today because you'll be having fun in the sun and ocean air at the beach." Oh yippie skippies, all the girls are excited! We're going to the beach and we're wearing bikinis! And everything's PINK!! OMG, the PINKNESS! Angelique is having a near-orgasm at the fact that......
.....EVERYTHING EES PEEEENK!!!!
(Yeah, I think you get the picture. I tried getting a picture of Bridget's bedroom from "The Girls Next Door," but I couldn't find one. Oh well.)
Anyhoo, they're looking through their pink care packages, and Heather's all, "Oh, this stuff is cute! And it's all my style anyway!" (Trashy?) And like I said, Angelique loves it. Does anyone else think Angelique overemphasizes her love of the color pink to make herself seem more feminine because SHE'S A TRANNY?!
While the Brandis are getting changed, Brandi M. mentions something about "her freaking allergies." Okay, maybe she IS allergic to Megan's retarded dog, but it's a tiny little dog. I can't imagine a chihuahua sheds much hair to make you violently allergic. Reminds me of Mr. Dussell in The Diary of Anne Frank, when he makes such a big deal of being allergic to Peter's cat yet when he doesn't know Peter has his cat inside, he's all of a sudden not so allergic.
.....Just go rent the movie. Or I'm sure you had to watch it in middle or high school.
Minutes later, the girls arrive at the beach, ready for fun and sun! But seriously, don't these dumb skanks know there's a catch involved? Didn't they watch the previous season? Charm School isn't for lazing about. It's about hard work! It's about teamwork! And as Sharon says, "These girls need a good old-fashioned arse-kicking." So in charges Rikki and.......SGT. JONES!!! Remember him from last season?! He's screaming in his bullhorn, "GER YOUR CELLULITE ASSES OFF THOSE BEACH TOWELS AND QUIT YOUR TANNING SESSION!! GET OUT OF THE WAY! Lacey's all, "FUCK!" Inna's all, "This guy nearly ran over me!"
First commandment in ROL Charm School, according to Riki? "Thou Shalt Rock Together."
Sgt. Jones greets the girls with, "Well, welcome, tarts!" (I would've called them "skanks," but to each his own.)
He hauls the bag full of their clothes at them and tells them to put their shit on, because they've got some work to do. Megan, in her interview, is all, "He's telling us to put our clothes on and gloves and bandanas, and I don't even want to put on my shirt. UGH." He orders them to get in two ranks to march down the beach. Brandi C. bounces to attention as if she's not really taking this seriously (does she ever?).
"I need charm and I need class
(I need charm and I need class)
Because Bret Michaels dumped my ass!
(Because Bret Michaels dumped my ass!)" LOVING IT!
All of a sudden, Sgt. Jones yells "STOP! WHO'S bandana is this?" and points to a random bandana that flew off one of the girls' heads. It's Dallas'. Sgt. Jones pulls her out of rank to retrieve her bandana while the rest of the girls start doing push-up drills. Everyone gripes at Dallas. WTF?! Not her fault her bandana went flying off. It's breezy outside! Why the hell are they picking on the BLACK GIRL of the group? I smell some vinegary racism going down here!
"Yessuh, massah!"
Oh wait, Sgt. Jones is picking on Dallas because she's a "speshul snowflake" and wears heart-framed glasses. They all start doing the most half-assed pushups EVAR!!! Then Sgt. Jones starts picking on Brandi C. and her fat ass. "Are you having a problem getting you and your chunky little ass up?" Brandi C. gasps. OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! So Brandi C. gets excused from doing pushups because she's "a speshul snowflake" as well, but he means it in an oh-so-ever condescending voice. Brandi C. folds her arms over her gigantic boobs and pouts like a child. How DARE he call her fat?! "I'm a little curvy, and it's great, and everyone loves it. And you, Mister, you are just....not cool!" Oh yeah, that was THE comeback of the year, Brandi. It's up there with George Costanza's "The idiot store called, they ran out of YOU."
BTW, Brandi C., you are chubby. Deal with it, ya chubby skank.
Then Sgt. Jones has them stop their drills and tells them this is all about teamwork, and you're only as strong as your weakest link. Dallas and Brandi C. join the ranks again, and now they have their challenge. There are 10 15-lb. sandbags in a pile, and the object is to get them from point A to point B on a platform further away by tossing them to one another.
Doesn't sound hard, right? I mean, fifteen pounds, I can handle that. If one sandbag drops, it comes back to the front and they have to start over. And you know, at first, they're doing all right. Sgt. Jones is telling the girls to "toss it like you're tossing your boyfriend's shit out the window," which makes ME giggle. But to be quite honest, this challenge is LAME compared to what Sgt. Jones had the girls on "Flavor of Love Charm School" do last season.
Then Lacey starts purposely lobbing the sandbags at Dallas (who just happens to be next to her in line) instead of tossing them to her. Lacey just wants to start shit and get Dallas eliminated. Jesus, Lacey, grow the fuck up. Dallas can't catch the sandbags with Lacey lobbing them at her and throwing them at her head. Lacey's all, "I can't help it if I have bad aim." Bitch, please. I mean, if you watch this, you can tell Lacey's fucking it up on purpose. So Sgt. Jones removes Dallas again, who's the "weakest link." If Lacey weren't purposely lobbing the bags at Dallas, maybe Dallas wouldn't have BEEN the weakest link.
But wait, we'll see who truly was the weakest link when we get back from commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, they're still tossing sacks to each other. Now Brandi C. starts fucking up because she's a lazy fatty who's not taking it seriously. And Megan's too good to run it back like she's supposed to when she starts fucking up. She can't even be bothered to wear a shirt like the rest of the girls. Then Sgt. Jones pulls Brandi C. out of the line to sit out with Dallas AGAIN. She starts boo-hooing because she's oh-so-sensitive.
Sgt. Jones is all, "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BAG TOSS!!"
Angelique is throwing bags to Megan, who's totally not paying attention and not even attempting to catch them. She's too absorbed in her fucking manicure to be bothered with actual teamwork. Ugh, I already can't stand Megan. Sgt. Jones pulls Megan out to observe actual teamwork. When all twenty bags are tossed and on the platform, he has the girls assemble into two ranks again to pull the "chariot of pain." Will they be pulling Sgt. Jones on this chariot? Hell no! Guess who they're pulling?
Little Miss Lazy herself! Ohhh, the rest of the girls are livid. Megan is all smiles because SHE doesn't have to do any work. "I'm being treated the way I deserve to be treated: like a princess!" And really, I hope this teaches the other 11 girls a lesson: don't depend on Megan to help you out with jack shit because she's a selfish, lazy bitch. Then Sgt. Jones has them stop, and he asks, "Does anybody want to come back here and join Megan?" I think nearly everyone rolled their eyes at this. Obviously, everyone else knows there's probably a catch to this. I'm suspecting whoever rides on this will end up in the bottom three for expulsion tonight. Brandi C. pumps her hand in the air like a grade school student who just wants to avoid any real work. You can hear Angelique yelling, "No, don't! This doesn't make zees anymore easier!"
Megan's all, "So me and Brandi C. get to ride back and drink water and laugh at the fat girls!" Bitch, your words will come back to haunt you.
Brandi M. flips Brandi C. and Megan off. She nearly fainted having to do all that work, especially with fat-ass Brandi C. on the sled. Megan's all, "I can tell that everyone's really annoyed with me! Oh well. Sucks to be them!" GAWD, I hate people like Megan. However, Sgt. Jones congratulates the rest of the girls on the hard work and effort they put forth.
So the girls arrived back at the pinker-than-pink Charm School...(HOW PINK WAS IT?!!)
...and there's a note from Sharon posted. Tomorrow, they will be divided up into two teams of six to test them on their teamwork skills. Lacey, Brandi C. and Megan automatically team up, and everyone else has a tendency to avoid them like the plague. Brandi C. feels they should reward themselves for the "hard work" they did. WTF, is she high?! (Probably!) Brandi M. is all, "Psh, yeah right." Brandi C. starts arguing that she DID work hard, and Brandi M. says, "Yeah, at first you were, but then you gave up." Brandi C. starts arguing, "I DID! I'm sorry, but it's not my fault I'm not strong and don't have big muscles like everyone else." Excuses, excuses. Being strong has nothing to do with this. The point is, she just flat out didn't put forth the EFFORT. She was LAZY!!!! Brandi M. says, "Don't apologize to me, apologize to everyone else."
Lacey tells Megan and Brandi C. that they HAVE to do a kick-ass job tomorrow so they can rub it in everyone's faces. (Mainly for Lacey to do so, because Megan and Brandi C. were majorly lazy today.) Then Megan goes on her "Gawd, Brandi M. is soooo disgustingly trailer trash," and Lacey jumps on the hate train, too. Really....what does it matter if someone is "trailer trash"? She's no different than these skanks. IMO, the trailer trash types tend to be tougher because they have to put up with more crap. (Wow, a lot of "t"s in that sentence.) Brandi M. overhears all of this "trailer trash" talk, and she decides to push some buttons. She starts calling Megan fat, telling her she's got wide hips and thunder thighs. Bah, whatever. If these bitches had half a brain, they'd know she's just saying shit to get under their skin, just like they do with her.
Later that night, Brandi M. and some of the other girls are outside, partaking in some cocktails when Brandi M. decides to start some shit with Brandi C. and Megan. She and some other girls run in their room while they're sleeping, and they're really loud and obnoxious and making fun of them. Brandi M. even decides to doodle on their pictures on their beds. She puts a pentagram on Megan's head, and draws a big cock on Brandi C.'s mouth. Now, for the love of me, I know ONE of these girls was dubbed "blow job Brandi" because of some porno work she had done, but I can't remember which one.
But yeah, score two for Brandi M. :)
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
God, Brandi C. and Megan are gonna get worked up just because Brandi M. vandalized their bed photos?
"This is WAR!" No, this is petty shit, get over it.
They have ANOTHER oversized note from Sharon! She hopes that they learned something about teamwork yesterday (everyone except for Lacey, Brandi C. and Megan, anyway). Lacey hopes the challenge has something to do with music because NOW we hear her prattle on about how she's a musician, and she's been traveling all over with her band andscreeching around like a banshee and writhing about onstage singing her little heart out. Blah, shut up, we've heard it before. They go to the Rose Bowl, where Sharon is waiting for them along with Daniella and her husband, Gilby Clarke. Angelique automatically wants to have zee secks weetz heem, but he ees Daniella's, so hands off.
Somehow, Kristy Jo and Destiney got suckered into being on Team Lacey/Brandi C./Megan, and they really didn't want to, but they figured they got along with them well enough. Now they're horrified! Kristy Jo acknowledges that she's got the weakest people from yesterday on her team today, and she's scared that they'll slack off and ruin it for them. The challenge? They'll be asked to build a stage and assemble the instruments and green room ACCORDING TO PLAN, and then to get it connected correctly and powered up. The first to get it done wins and will be safe from expulsion. The losing team is up for expulsion. AAAAAND, GO!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Hey, this is "totally up Lacey's alley!" Lacey goes into bossy bitch mode for her team, "I know what I'm doing, you do this, you do that, I've done this a thousand times, PLEASE LET ME BE IN CHARGE!" Okay, having Lacey on their team is a bit of an advantage, I'll give 'em that. Destiney wants to read the instructions first, but Lacey's all, "NO! I know what I'm doing! YOU, do this!" Sharon notices this, but Gilby notices that the other team is all brawn (especially with Rodeo and Heather), and probably work together better. But then they notice that Team Lacey starts using some ingenuity like stacking together water and Pepsi on an amp to roll it over. "That's totally a roadie move!" Gilby exclaims. It's like, WOW. When did Megan and Brandi C. decide to actually haul ass? Oh, let's be honest. The only reason they're doing shit is because Lacey's bossing them around. And she'll probably take credit for it all like she did on "Rock of Love."
Meanwhile, there are communication problems on the other team with Angelique and Dallas. Angelique tries to play it off like eet ees because English ees not her original language, she cannot oonderstond! No, it's because Angelique is in her own world.
Team Lacey needs a pair of panties for the lampshade. No one wants to give up their panties, but Brandi C. drops her shorts and pulls off hers. And her privates are covered on TV by a scrumptious looking cupcake:
AND IT'S PIIIIIINK!!!!!
Okay, we're all done seeing Brandi C.'s cupcake. Time for Lacey to go peek at the other team, who she says are SO far behind, it's laughable. But they really are giving it their all. Except for Dallas and Angelique. Dallas is sipping water. Angelique is all, "I cannot STOND zees! Zat's too much work! I won't look seckzee!" LAWL.
Finally, Team Lacey gets it completed. Gilby comes to make sure it's all complete, and it is. Gilby's playing a riff on a guitar to make sure the amps are working, then Lacey jumps on stage and starts drumming a beat with him. What a fucking show off. Everyone rolls their eyes at her. HANDS OFF, BITCH. HE'S TAKEN.
Which means that the team that Brandi C. and Megan--the losers from the previous day--is on wins. How the fuck do Brandi C. and Megan win?! They're notoriously lazy! Inna is pissed! I know, right?! Megan says, "Now one of the other team members will get expelled tonight, and I'm hoping it's either Brandi M. or Heather, but it'll probably be one of the other fatter girls."
Man, Megan likes to call people either "trashy" or "fat." I REALLY don't like this self-absorbed bitch.
Dallas is angry that they lost, and she puts all of the blame on Angelique. So she tries to throw Angelique "under the bus." Heather later asks Dallas how she felt they did today, and Dallas badmouths Angelique as much as she can. She thinks a lot of Angelique's "I doo not onderstond zees!" is just an act. Maybe it is, and maybe Dallas is just bitter. I don't know, I really couldn't tell. But just because you can't understand what someone is saying that has a terribly thick accent doesn't mean that you can't help them. I'm just saying. Angelique says that all Dallas did that day was busy herself seperating "zose baby beans or whatevair." (Jelly beans, I get it.)
THEN Brandi C. and Megan go to Sharon's office to complain about Brandi M. They tell her about how she vandalized their pictures, which they don't find very amusing. (But I'm sure they weren't above that petty shit during their stints on ROL. AM I RIGHT?!) THEN out comes the "Brandi M. called us fat!" shit. Megan gets a whiny voice on and is all, "When we went to our room to eat, she tells us that we shouldn't even be eating because I'm fat and I have fat thighs....I've heard it for so long...." And she's trying her hardest to sound like she's going to cry and push out some tears to get some sympathy from Sharon, and I'm sitting in front of my TV going, "BITCH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!! You are not fat, and I refuse to believe you were EVER fat!!!" She's just saying this shit to get Brandi M. in trouble. GAWD. I mean, really, how is THIS bitch FAT?:
In her interview, she's all, "Performance of my life!" and is all smiles. Excuse me, I'm gonna stick my finger in my throat.
COMMERCIAL BREAK! But THIS time, here's Riki Rachtman's commentary from the first episode, if you want to watch it:
Elimination time. Sharon calls Dallas down (Lacey gloats), Angelique (Whaaa....?!) and Brandi M. (Megan says, "She's a shit-starter, she's ugly, and she's trailer park trash." Oh yeah, good reasons to get anyone eliminated.)
First off...Brandi M. Sharon brings up the vandalized pictures. Brandi's all, "I didn't do that." Brandi C. goes, "YES YOU DID" like a child from her spot in the crowd. Sharon shows her the evidence, and Brandi M. is all, "Oh yeah! I did! Silly me!" LAWL. Daniella tells Brandi M. that what she did was petty and very juvenile. Riki, in Brandi M.'s defense, points out that what Brandi C. and Megan did at the beach the previous day was the total opposite of teamwork, in a roundabout way of saying that they kind of had this coming. Brandi C. starts yelling, "MY LEGS WERE ABOUT TO BREAK OFF!" and starts crying, and Sharon tells her to shut up because she's about to get REALLY pissed off. And you don't want to piss Sharon Osbourne off, or she'll throw a ham over the wall into your yard. (BEST EPISODE OF "THE OSBOURNES" EVAR!!!!) Destiney's all, "Brandi C. starts crying out of nowhere, and she wasn't even called down to the carpet!" IKR?!!
What kills me is that Sharon bought Megan's phony-baloney "I WAS FAT!" act, and tells Brandi M. "Shame on you!" for that. Sharon, are you really that easily fooled? Really?! Especially when Megan's been calling everyone else "trashy" or "ugly" or "fatties."
Now, down to Angelique and Dallas. Angelique is trying to explain herself, and Dallas keeps saying, "Oh, don't throw me under the bus," when Dallas is trying to do just that to poor Angelique! Makes me think Angelique is getting some sort of anti-American discrimination. So Sharon sets the decision to the rest of the team members, and Rodeo and Brandi M. agree that Angelique wasn't really pulling her weight. Inna can't make a call, because she really couldn't tell. Heather thinks Dallas was the weakest link.
Ultimately, Sharon believes that Angelique is too set in her French-stripper ways to really WANT to change. So, au revoir to Frenchie. :( And that's a bummer, because she was entertaining weethz her craaaazy French accent, no? Angelique is all, "Whatevair," and flashes her croissants, so to speak.
HERE ARE THE FEATURED WORDS OF THIS EPISODE: "Pink" and "fatties."
The next morning, Lacey and Dallas are up bright and early, primping in front of their vanity mirrors. Lacey's all, "My ear is still ringing from Dallas throwing that apple at me, WTF?" Cut to Angelique, ze French streeper, fixing her terr-ee-ble extensions (and you thought Britney Spears' extensions were bad!) and putting her makeup on her face. And hoo boy, does Angelique have some duck lips! They're like putting both Mary-Kate and Ashley's duck lips together! Whatevair, Angelique ees all about ze seckz. (And you HAVE to mention this whenever you mention Angelique, because she is FRENCH and SEXAY!)
Meanwhile, Lacey convenes outside with her two new BFFs/allies-for-the-moment Brandi C. and Megan about who should and shouldn't be here. (And I about fell out of my chair when Lacey calls them "Ladies!" What a joke.) Of course, Lacey just bitches about Dallas still being around. You know, if Lacey just put half as much energy into making herself a better person instead of
Lacey: "She (Dallas) absolutely does not deserve to be here, that's the bottom line."
Brandi C.: "And what does Lacey do when someone doesn't deserve to be here?"
Lacey: "She takes 'em out!"
Gotta love how Lacey tries to look classy in her dress and high heels. And gotta love how Brandi C. looks like a trippy stoner porn queen with her messed-up pink/blonde hair and rainbow striped bikini. Oh, and Lacey can't walk for crap in high heels, sorry to say.
Lacey tries to come up with a way of messing with Dallas without her knowing it's Lacey doing it. Good luck. I think Dallas is going to have eyes in the back of her head for the entire duration she's here, given Lacey's track record. Lacey asks Brandi C. and Megan who they think shouldn't be here. Brandi C.'s all, "Besides everybody?" (Ugh.) She points out Brandi M., "because she's a foul pig." Yeah, she's not very couth, but isn't the point of Charm School to try to change that sort of behavior? Brandi M. definitely deserves to be at Charm School for that alone. WTF is up Brandi C.'s ass? Like she's perfect and doesn't need to change? Brandi C. says, "Everything she (Brandi M.) says sounds like a line she made up before she got here." They all hate Heather, too. Why? Because she's Heather. Because they had to deal with her on both "Rock of Love" runs and "I Love Money." Because Heather is the epitome of a truly awesome rock star beyotch and they're just jealous.
Speaking of Heather, she finds an oversized note from Sharon waiting for all of them. She goes out by the pool where the rest of the girls are all loafing about and reads the note: "I hope you enjoy the little care package I've put together for each of you. You may want to wear the bikinis included today because you'll be having fun in the sun and ocean air at the beach." Oh yippie skippies, all the girls are excited! We're going to the beach and we're wearing bikinis! And everything's PINK!! OMG, the PINKNESS! Angelique is having a near-orgasm at the fact that......
.....EVERYTHING EES PEEEENK!!!!
(Yeah, I think you get the picture. I tried getting a picture of Bridget's bedroom from "The Girls Next Door," but I couldn't find one. Oh well.)
Anyhoo, they're looking through their pink care packages, and Heather's all, "Oh, this stuff is cute! And it's all my style anyway!" (Trashy?) And like I said, Angelique loves it. Does anyone else think Angelique overemphasizes her love of the color pink to make herself seem more feminine because SHE'S A TRANNY?!
While the Brandis are getting changed, Brandi M. mentions something about "her freaking allergies." Okay, maybe she IS allergic to Megan's retarded dog, but it's a tiny little dog. I can't imagine a chihuahua sheds much hair to make you violently allergic. Reminds me of Mr. Dussell in The Diary of Anne Frank, when he makes such a big deal of being allergic to Peter's cat yet when he doesn't know Peter has his cat inside, he's all of a sudden not so allergic.
.....Just go rent the movie. Or I'm sure you had to watch it in middle or high school.
Minutes later, the girls arrive at the beach, ready for fun and sun! But seriously, don't these dumb skanks know there's a catch involved? Didn't they watch the previous season? Charm School isn't for lazing about. It's about hard work! It's about teamwork! And as Sharon says, "These girls need a good old-fashioned arse-kicking." So in charges Rikki and.......SGT. JONES!!! Remember him from last season?! He's screaming in his bullhorn, "GER YOUR CELLULITE ASSES OFF THOSE BEACH TOWELS AND QUIT YOUR TANNING SESSION!! GET OUT OF THE WAY! Lacey's all, "FUCK!" Inna's all, "This guy nearly ran over me!"
First commandment in ROL Charm School, according to Riki? "Thou Shalt Rock Together."
Sgt. Jones greets the girls with, "Well, welcome, tarts!" (I would've called them "skanks," but to each his own.)
He hauls the bag full of their clothes at them and tells them to put their shit on, because they've got some work to do. Megan, in her interview, is all, "He's telling us to put our clothes on and gloves and bandanas, and I don't even want to put on my shirt. UGH." He orders them to get in two ranks to march down the beach. Brandi C. bounces to attention as if she's not really taking this seriously (does she ever?).
"I need charm and I need class
(I need charm and I need class)
Because Bret Michaels dumped my ass!
(Because Bret Michaels dumped my ass!)" LOVING IT!
All of a sudden, Sgt. Jones yells "STOP! WHO'S bandana is this?" and points to a random bandana that flew off one of the girls' heads. It's Dallas'. Sgt. Jones pulls her out of rank to retrieve her bandana while the rest of the girls start doing push-up drills. Everyone gripes at Dallas. WTF?! Not her fault her bandana went flying off. It's breezy outside! Why the hell are they picking on the BLACK GIRL of the group? I smell some vinegary racism going down here!
"Yessuh, massah!"
Oh wait, Sgt. Jones is picking on Dallas because she's a "speshul snowflake" and wears heart-framed glasses. They all start doing the most half-assed pushups EVAR!!! Then Sgt. Jones starts picking on Brandi C. and her fat ass. "Are you having a problem getting you and your chunky little ass up?" Brandi C. gasps. OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! So Brandi C. gets excused from doing pushups because she's "a speshul snowflake" as well, but he means it in an oh-so-ever condescending voice. Brandi C. folds her arms over her gigantic boobs and pouts like a child. How DARE he call her fat?! "I'm a little curvy, and it's great, and everyone loves it. And you, Mister, you are just....not cool!" Oh yeah, that was THE comeback of the year, Brandi. It's up there with George Costanza's "The idiot store called, they ran out of YOU."
BTW, Brandi C., you are chubby. Deal with it, ya chubby skank.
Then Sgt. Jones has them stop their drills and tells them this is all about teamwork, and you're only as strong as your weakest link. Dallas and Brandi C. join the ranks again, and now they have their challenge. There are 10 15-lb. sandbags in a pile, and the object is to get them from point A to point B on a platform further away by tossing them to one another.
Doesn't sound hard, right? I mean, fifteen pounds, I can handle that. If one sandbag drops, it comes back to the front and they have to start over. And you know, at first, they're doing all right. Sgt. Jones is telling the girls to "toss it like you're tossing your boyfriend's shit out the window," which makes ME giggle. But to be quite honest, this challenge is LAME compared to what Sgt. Jones had the girls on "Flavor of Love Charm School" do last season.
Then Lacey starts purposely lobbing the sandbags at Dallas (who just happens to be next to her in line) instead of tossing them to her. Lacey just wants to start shit and get Dallas eliminated. Jesus, Lacey, grow the fuck up. Dallas can't catch the sandbags with Lacey lobbing them at her and throwing them at her head. Lacey's all, "I can't help it if I have bad aim." Bitch, please. I mean, if you watch this, you can tell Lacey's fucking it up on purpose. So Sgt. Jones removes Dallas again, who's the "weakest link." If Lacey weren't purposely lobbing the bags at Dallas, maybe Dallas wouldn't have BEEN the weakest link.
But wait, we'll see who truly was the weakest link when we get back from commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, they're still tossing sacks to each other. Now Brandi C. starts fucking up because she's a lazy fatty who's not taking it seriously. And Megan's too good to run it back like she's supposed to when she starts fucking up. She can't even be bothered to wear a shirt like the rest of the girls. Then Sgt. Jones pulls Brandi C. out of the line to sit out with Dallas AGAIN. She starts boo-hooing because she's oh-so-sensitive.
Sgt. Jones is all, "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BAG TOSS!!"
Angelique is throwing bags to Megan, who's totally not paying attention and not even attempting to catch them. She's too absorbed in her fucking manicure to be bothered with actual teamwork. Ugh, I already can't stand Megan. Sgt. Jones pulls Megan out to observe actual teamwork. When all twenty bags are tossed and on the platform, he has the girls assemble into two ranks again to pull the "chariot of pain." Will they be pulling Sgt. Jones on this chariot? Hell no! Guess who they're pulling?
Little Miss Lazy herself! Ohhh, the rest of the girls are livid. Megan is all smiles because SHE doesn't have to do any work. "I'm being treated the way I deserve to be treated: like a princess!" And really, I hope this teaches the other 11 girls a lesson: don't depend on Megan to help you out with jack shit because she's a selfish, lazy bitch. Then Sgt. Jones has them stop, and he asks, "Does anybody want to come back here and join Megan?" I think nearly everyone rolled their eyes at this. Obviously, everyone else knows there's probably a catch to this. I'm suspecting whoever rides on this will end up in the bottom three for expulsion tonight. Brandi C. pumps her hand in the air like a grade school student who just wants to avoid any real work. You can hear Angelique yelling, "No, don't! This doesn't make zees anymore easier!"
Megan's all, "So me and Brandi C. get to ride back and drink water and laugh at the fat girls!" Bitch, your words will come back to haunt you.
Brandi M. flips Brandi C. and Megan off. She nearly fainted having to do all that work, especially with fat-ass Brandi C. on the sled. Megan's all, "I can tell that everyone's really annoyed with me! Oh well. Sucks to be them!" GAWD, I hate people like Megan. However, Sgt. Jones congratulates the rest of the girls on the hard work and effort they put forth.
So the girls arrived back at the pinker-than-pink Charm School...(HOW PINK WAS IT?!!)
...and there's a note from Sharon posted. Tomorrow, they will be divided up into two teams of six to test them on their teamwork skills. Lacey, Brandi C. and Megan automatically team up, and everyone else has a tendency to avoid them like the plague. Brandi C. feels they should reward themselves for the "hard work" they did. WTF, is she high?! (Probably!) Brandi M. is all, "Psh, yeah right." Brandi C. starts arguing that she DID work hard, and Brandi M. says, "Yeah, at first you were, but then you gave up." Brandi C. starts arguing, "I DID! I'm sorry, but it's not my fault I'm not strong and don't have big muscles like everyone else." Excuses, excuses. Being strong has nothing to do with this. The point is, she just flat out didn't put forth the EFFORT. She was LAZY!!!! Brandi M. says, "Don't apologize to me, apologize to everyone else."
Lacey tells Megan and Brandi C. that they HAVE to do a kick-ass job tomorrow so they can rub it in everyone's faces. (Mainly for Lacey to do so, because Megan and Brandi C. were majorly lazy today.) Then Megan goes on her "Gawd, Brandi M. is soooo disgustingly trailer trash," and Lacey jumps on the hate train, too. Really....what does it matter if someone is "trailer trash"? She's no different than these skanks. IMO, the trailer trash types tend to be tougher because they have to put up with more crap. (Wow, a lot of "t"s in that sentence.) Brandi M. overhears all of this "trailer trash" talk, and she decides to push some buttons. She starts calling Megan fat, telling her she's got wide hips and thunder thighs. Bah, whatever. If these bitches had half a brain, they'd know she's just saying shit to get under their skin, just like they do with her.
Later that night, Brandi M. and some of the other girls are outside, partaking in some cocktails when Brandi M. decides to start some shit with Brandi C. and Megan. She and some other girls run in their room while they're sleeping, and they're really loud and obnoxious and making fun of them. Brandi M. even decides to doodle on their pictures on their beds. She puts a pentagram on Megan's head, and draws a big cock on Brandi C.'s mouth. Now, for the love of me, I know ONE of these girls was dubbed "blow job Brandi" because of some porno work she had done, but I can't remember which one.
But yeah, score two for Brandi M. :)
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
God, Brandi C. and Megan are gonna get worked up just because Brandi M. vandalized their bed photos?
"This is WAR!" No, this is petty shit, get over it.
They have ANOTHER oversized note from Sharon! She hopes that they learned something about teamwork yesterday (everyone except for Lacey, Brandi C. and Megan, anyway). Lacey hopes the challenge has something to do with music because NOW we hear her prattle on about how she's a musician, and she's been traveling all over with her band and
Somehow, Kristy Jo and Destiney got suckered into being on Team Lacey/Brandi C./Megan, and they really didn't want to, but they figured they got along with them well enough. Now they're horrified! Kristy Jo acknowledges that she's got the weakest people from yesterday on her team today, and she's scared that they'll slack off and ruin it for them. The challenge? They'll be asked to build a stage and assemble the instruments and green room ACCORDING TO PLAN, and then to get it connected correctly and powered up. The first to get it done wins and will be safe from expulsion. The losing team is up for expulsion. AAAAAND, GO!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Hey, this is "totally up Lacey's alley!" Lacey goes into bossy bitch mode for her team, "I know what I'm doing, you do this, you do that, I've done this a thousand times, PLEASE LET ME BE IN CHARGE!" Okay, having Lacey on their team is a bit of an advantage, I'll give 'em that. Destiney wants to read the instructions first, but Lacey's all, "NO! I know what I'm doing! YOU, do this!" Sharon notices this, but Gilby notices that the other team is all brawn (especially with Rodeo and Heather), and probably work together better. But then they notice that Team Lacey starts using some ingenuity like stacking together water and Pepsi on an amp to roll it over. "That's totally a roadie move!" Gilby exclaims. It's like, WOW. When did Megan and Brandi C. decide to actually haul ass? Oh, let's be honest. The only reason they're doing shit is because Lacey's bossing them around. And she'll probably take credit for it all like she did on "Rock of Love."
Meanwhile, there are communication problems on the other team with Angelique and Dallas. Angelique tries to play it off like eet ees because English ees not her original language, she cannot oonderstond! No, it's because Angelique is in her own world.
Team Lacey needs a pair of panties for the lampshade. No one wants to give up their panties, but Brandi C. drops her shorts and pulls off hers. And her privates are covered on TV by a scrumptious looking cupcake:
AND IT'S PIIIIIINK!!!!!
Okay, we're all done seeing Brandi C.'s cupcake. Time for Lacey to go peek at the other team, who she says are SO far behind, it's laughable. But they really are giving it their all. Except for Dallas and Angelique. Dallas is sipping water. Angelique is all, "I cannot STOND zees! Zat's too much work! I won't look seckzee!" LAWL.
Finally, Team Lacey gets it completed. Gilby comes to make sure it's all complete, and it is. Gilby's playing a riff on a guitar to make sure the amps are working, then Lacey jumps on stage and starts drumming a beat with him. What a fucking show off. Everyone rolls their eyes at her. HANDS OFF, BITCH. HE'S TAKEN.
Which means that the team that Brandi C. and Megan--the losers from the previous day--is on wins. How the fuck do Brandi C. and Megan win?! They're notoriously lazy! Inna is pissed! I know, right?! Megan says, "Now one of the other team members will get expelled tonight, and I'm hoping it's either Brandi M. or Heather, but it'll probably be one of the other fatter girls."
Man, Megan likes to call people either "trashy" or "fat." I REALLY don't like this self-absorbed bitch.
Dallas is angry that they lost, and she puts all of the blame on Angelique. So she tries to throw Angelique "under the bus." Heather later asks Dallas how she felt they did today, and Dallas badmouths Angelique as much as she can. She thinks a lot of Angelique's "I doo not onderstond zees!" is just an act. Maybe it is, and maybe Dallas is just bitter. I don't know, I really couldn't tell. But just because you can't understand what someone is saying that has a terribly thick accent doesn't mean that you can't help them. I'm just saying. Angelique says that all Dallas did that day was busy herself seperating "zose baby beans or whatevair." (Jelly beans, I get it.)
THEN Brandi C. and Megan go to Sharon's office to complain about Brandi M. They tell her about how she vandalized their pictures, which they don't find very amusing. (But I'm sure they weren't above that petty shit during their stints on ROL. AM I RIGHT?!) THEN out comes the "Brandi M. called us fat!" shit. Megan gets a whiny voice on and is all, "When we went to our room to eat, she tells us that we shouldn't even be eating because I'm fat and I have fat thighs....I've heard it for so long...." And she's trying her hardest to sound like she's going to cry and push out some tears to get some sympathy from Sharon, and I'm sitting in front of my TV going, "BITCH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!! You are not fat, and I refuse to believe you were EVER fat!!!" She's just saying this shit to get Brandi M. in trouble. GAWD. I mean, really, how is THIS bitch FAT?:
In her interview, she's all, "Performance of my life!" and is all smiles. Excuse me, I'm gonna stick my finger in my throat.
COMMERCIAL BREAK! But THIS time, here's Riki Rachtman's commentary from the first episode, if you want to watch it:
Elimination time. Sharon calls Dallas down (Lacey gloats), Angelique (Whaaa....?!) and Brandi M. (Megan says, "She's a shit-starter, she's ugly, and she's trailer park trash." Oh yeah, good reasons to get anyone eliminated.)
First off...Brandi M. Sharon brings up the vandalized pictures. Brandi's all, "I didn't do that." Brandi C. goes, "YES YOU DID" like a child from her spot in the crowd. Sharon shows her the evidence, and Brandi M. is all, "Oh yeah! I did! Silly me!" LAWL. Daniella tells Brandi M. that what she did was petty and very juvenile. Riki, in Brandi M.'s defense, points out that what Brandi C. and Megan did at the beach the previous day was the total opposite of teamwork, in a roundabout way of saying that they kind of had this coming. Brandi C. starts yelling, "MY LEGS WERE ABOUT TO BREAK OFF!" and starts crying, and Sharon tells her to shut up because she's about to get REALLY pissed off. And you don't want to piss Sharon Osbourne off, or she'll throw a ham over the wall into your yard. (BEST EPISODE OF "THE OSBOURNES" EVAR!!!!) Destiney's all, "Brandi C. starts crying out of nowhere, and she wasn't even called down to the carpet!" IKR?!!
What kills me is that Sharon bought Megan's phony-baloney "I WAS FAT!" act, and tells Brandi M. "Shame on you!" for that. Sharon, are you really that easily fooled? Really?! Especially when Megan's been calling everyone else "trashy" or "ugly" or "fatties."
Now, down to Angelique and Dallas. Angelique is trying to explain herself, and Dallas keeps saying, "Oh, don't throw me under the bus," when Dallas is trying to do just that to poor Angelique! Makes me think Angelique is getting some sort of anti-American discrimination. So Sharon sets the decision to the rest of the team members, and Rodeo and Brandi M. agree that Angelique wasn't really pulling her weight. Inna can't make a call, because she really couldn't tell. Heather thinks Dallas was the weakest link.
Ultimately, Sharon believes that Angelique is too set in her French-stripper ways to really WANT to change. So, au revoir to Frenchie. :( And that's a bummer, because she was entertaining weethz her craaaazy French accent, no? Angelique is all, "Whatevair," and flashes her croissants, so to speak.
