you have no idea what it's like
Jun. 20th, 2007 05:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hollybrookeSeriously, I can't think of any of my friends that has any idea what it's like to live with someone who has a degenerative brain problem that won't get any better. True, there are probably a good amount of MS victims who take the bad with the good and try to have a positive outlook on life. There are people who know they won't get any better, and try to live every day to its fullest.
Then there are those who are just depressed and take their depression and anger out on their friends and loved ones. My mom falls into the latter category, of the depressed.
She takes it out on me, my brother and my father. She blames all of her problems on her MS. Frankly, I think she needs to see a psychiatrist, or needs to be committed, or something. We can't live a normal, functioning life because of her. She bitches at us for any reason possible, then we run away from her because we can't stand to be around her. I bet Dad enjoys his time on the road because that means less time at home around Mom, who's just going to nag him to death every minute he's home. Hunter spends all his nights out with his friends, and he's lucky. He's lucky that he's seventeen and a male and has the guts to talk back to Mom.
I'm not as lucky. And sometimes I feel like I am stuck. I'm 26 years old, I'm stuck at home, currently unemployed...and you have NO idea how this feels; I feel like I'm 16 again, with no real friends to lean on or talk to or who will let me have some sort of escape from HER, and I have to deal with HER the whole summer. I talk back to her, and she's just psycho bitch from hell and gives me even more lip. It's to the point where I try to avoid saying anything to her so as not to start a fight. I seriously need to tape-record her conversations and make her listen to herself; she has no idea how she sounds, she has no idea that SHE'S the one who starts the fights between her and Hunter/Dad, she seriously has no idea. She just feels she is right all the time and no one should question her. She knows how to get under people's skin, then she bitches you out and makes you feel bad for her "because she's got brain problems." And I am TIRED of it. I am really tired of her using her MS as her sympathy card. Just because she has MS doesn't mean people will automatically feel sorry for her. If she were a little more pleasant towards the ones who matter in her life (me, Hunter and Dad), we'd act like we cared more. But it's very hard to drum up sympathy for someone who is verbally and mentally abusive towards you.
Seriously, I should've just taken my savings once I graduated high school and moved out. I had enough money at the time; I could've. I have no idea how I survived high school. I barely got out to have any real fun with my friends back then. I was always stuck at home, having to take care of her. College allowed me to break out of my shell some, and the Crossroads and Rocky Horror became part of my sanctuary. I had friends that gave a shit about me and encouraged me to come out and play.
And here I am, jobless, stuck at home with my mother, feeling trapped. Again.
I hate this feeling.
If Justice decides to move back up here, I'd move back in with her as a roommate in a heartbeat. I shouldn't have to be stuck playing caretaker for my mother into middle-age and be the pathetic woman who's stuck with her mommy.
Dad says that Grandma Cozie wants us to come down and visit her in the middle of July. I've already told him that because I need a job, I'm staying home and continuing the job hunt. Chances are, when I get a new job, they won't let me take two weeks off just for a stupid family vacation that we don't really need to take. I think Hunter refuses to go because it's boring as hell down there, and he doesn't want to suffer being stuck at Grandma Cozie's house with no more pool and have to endure being under Mom's thumb. (And I don't blame him.) And poor Mom is stuck because she'll have to go down with Dad. Mom HATES it down there. She hates the hot weather, she hates the Southern-style food, she can't stand Grandma Cozie, and now that Aunt Ruth is gone, it'll be even harder on Mom. I wish I could feel sorry for her...but I don't.
Then there are those who are just depressed and take their depression and anger out on their friends and loved ones. My mom falls into the latter category, of the depressed.
She takes it out on me, my brother and my father. She blames all of her problems on her MS. Frankly, I think she needs to see a psychiatrist, or needs to be committed, or something. We can't live a normal, functioning life because of her. She bitches at us for any reason possible, then we run away from her because we can't stand to be around her. I bet Dad enjoys his time on the road because that means less time at home around Mom, who's just going to nag him to death every minute he's home. Hunter spends all his nights out with his friends, and he's lucky. He's lucky that he's seventeen and a male and has the guts to talk back to Mom.
I'm not as lucky. And sometimes I feel like I am stuck. I'm 26 years old, I'm stuck at home, currently unemployed...and you have NO idea how this feels; I feel like I'm 16 again, with no real friends to lean on or talk to or who will let me have some sort of escape from HER, and I have to deal with HER the whole summer. I talk back to her, and she's just psycho bitch from hell and gives me even more lip. It's to the point where I try to avoid saying anything to her so as not to start a fight. I seriously need to tape-record her conversations and make her listen to herself; she has no idea how she sounds, she has no idea that SHE'S the one who starts the fights between her and Hunter/Dad, she seriously has no idea. She just feels she is right all the time and no one should question her. She knows how to get under people's skin, then she bitches you out and makes you feel bad for her "because she's got brain problems." And I am TIRED of it. I am really tired of her using her MS as her sympathy card. Just because she has MS doesn't mean people will automatically feel sorry for her. If she were a little more pleasant towards the ones who matter in her life (me, Hunter and Dad), we'd act like we cared more. But it's very hard to drum up sympathy for someone who is verbally and mentally abusive towards you.
Seriously, I should've just taken my savings once I graduated high school and moved out. I had enough money at the time; I could've. I have no idea how I survived high school. I barely got out to have any real fun with my friends back then. I was always stuck at home, having to take care of her. College allowed me to break out of my shell some, and the Crossroads and Rocky Horror became part of my sanctuary. I had friends that gave a shit about me and encouraged me to come out and play.
And here I am, jobless, stuck at home with my mother, feeling trapped. Again.
I hate this feeling.
If Justice decides to move back up here, I'd move back in with her as a roommate in a heartbeat. I shouldn't have to be stuck playing caretaker for my mother into middle-age and be the pathetic woman who's stuck with her mommy.
Dad says that Grandma Cozie wants us to come down and visit her in the middle of July. I've already told him that because I need a job, I'm staying home and continuing the job hunt. Chances are, when I get a new job, they won't let me take two weeks off just for a stupid family vacation that we don't really need to take. I think Hunter refuses to go because it's boring as hell down there, and he doesn't want to suffer being stuck at Grandma Cozie's house with no more pool and have to endure being under Mom's thumb. (And I don't blame him.) And poor Mom is stuck because she'll have to go down with Dad. Mom HATES it down there. She hates the hot weather, she hates the Southern-style food, she can't stand Grandma Cozie, and now that Aunt Ruth is gone, it'll be even harder on Mom. I wish I could feel sorry for her...but I don't.
