nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat fucking worms

Okay, if you didn't know by now, I'm being forced to take a hiatus from my weekend exploits for the next month until I completely pay back my grandmother for lending me some money to get my car insurance paid. Just because I can't be at the theater every goddamned weekend doesn't mean I am fucking invisible and have no life. (Oh wait, that's right, I don't have a life.) I hate living out in the middle of Bum-Fucking Egypt where nothing is happening and none of my friends are remotely close to or would even bother TRAVELLING out this way to hang out with me. Just because I won't be around for the next month is no reason to COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORE ME LIKE I DON'T EXIST. I am not on the computer all of the time. Hence, I am not on AIM 24/7. I call friends up to chat and catch up on what I've missed, and I end up leaving messages on answering machines that go unanswered. And because I can't go frolicking is no reason that no one can come out here to pick me up or whatever or at least come visit.

I'm mad and I'm not taking it anymore. I feel like no one really gives a shit, and I will eventually die alone and lonely and unloved and unappreciated and eaten by wild dogs.

I don't get it. I'm a friendly person. How come I don't have any close friends?

(This is "Holly-has-turned-into-emo-bitch" day. Hell, it's going to be like this for a while until I can get my social life back. Just fuckin' deal with it.)

So, whenever I get back to the theater, you people have two choices: deal with a happy Holly, or a pissy Holly who's just going to have a major attitude with everyone. It's up to you.

I so didn't need THAT right now, either

I have nothing that I want to say.

Yeah, I hope we can stay friends. And it's all my damn fault, too. I don't care what anyone thinks, it's all my damn fault.

You know, why do I do shit like this? Why do I keep my mouth shut? Why can't I just speak up and voice my opinions? Why can't I just tell people what I think and how I'm feeling?

I feel like I'm just digging my hole even further for me now. First the shit with my car and the insurance. Then the deal with my dad's mother. Now this.

And it doesn't help anything with the fact that no one (besides Zero) has called me back regarding anything remotely social. Yeah, I know who I can depend on.

Tip for the day: just don't have friends. They'll eventually let you down and disappoint you, mainly over stupid shit you've done yourself.

I'm disallowing comments on this one. If you want to talk to me, call up or send an email (hbh127@yahoo.com)

coolness!!

I might be going down to Bloomington next weekend!

And I won't have to pay a dime! Even better!

Finally heard back from Justice. Turns out she's transferring down to the IU campus at Bloomington to finish out her degree. So, if I can wrangle a free day next week, I might be able to travel down to Bloomington with her and a few others to help her move in. I'll have to get Mom's okay first, though. (That's good. I have a birthday present for her that I've had since March that she needs to get.)

I didn't make mention of my job interview earlier, though. I have an interview at Alsip Home and Nursery tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. Wish me luck. I could really use a second job.

Actually went on a walk earlier. Went down to Gramma Julie's to pick up my bike. (Left it there last week when it started raining.) Then I rode the bike against the wind coming home up a hill. Good workout. Need to do that more often. Felt a little better after that.

I'm actually feeling a little better all around. I tend to blow things out of proportion. Plus, horomones are coming into play. (Yeah, an excuse, but still...) I think I'm going stir-crazy in the house all the time.

Paul finally got a new job at the Porter County Airport, which is good. Now he'll be closer to his family.

Actually working on new story now. Was watching that 13 Going On 30, and got the idea. Take a person who isn't thrilled with the way their life turned out and wishes that if he/she could go back to a certain time in life and made a different life-altering decision if their lives would have turned out better. That person gets their wish, and has to go through their life and consciously make their decision, but then remembers why he/she DIDN'T make the other decision in the first place and is still conflicted. You know, kind of like It's A Wonderful Life. I think we all wonder that, "What if I had done this when I was younger...?"