I so do not need this right now

I can only pray that whatever financial help Grandma Cozie gives me (if any) comes in today or tomorrow. And if the insurance isn't enough, I'm starting to have some car problems. I need power steering fluid put in, or else have that checked on. And I'm starting to wonder about those goddamned brakes again. Starting to act up like they did last summer. This is a bunch of bullshit.

I should start looking into an auto loan, because I don't really want to have to deal with all of this crap with an old car.

And if Grandma Cozie does not want to provide me with any help for my car (which she surely should not have much of a problem with, considering she's selling that big ol' Expedition and she's selling that spanking-new customized Dell of JR's to Milton for $200, and considering how she had no problem lending all of that money to help JR with his car stuff), then I will feel the need to ask Grandma Julie as a last resort. I don't like asking people for help. I don't want to ask Gramma Julie for help because I know she's on a fixed income, but she inherited some money when her Aunt Olive died, and all I'm asking for is about $400, and I have no problem paying her back, but the problem with asking Gramma Julie is that she'll blab to MOM. Those two are just snoopy and gossipy. And I will not--I repeat, will NOT admit any sort of defeat to my mother.

Maybe I should just start playing the stock market.

In any case, I'm going to have to check the IUN website for classes and stuff.

Someone fucking kill me now.

**edit: I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. THEY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I NEED TO EARN AT LEAST SO MUCH A MONTH TO BE QUALIFIED FOR AN AUTO LOAN?!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!! I'VE WORKED MY ASS OFF, BEEN BOUNCED AROUND FROM JOB TO JOB, ONLY ABLE TO PICK UP CRAPPY PART-TIME MINIMUM-WAGE PAYING JOBS SINCE NO PLACE AROUND HERE WANTS TO HIRE ANYONE FOR FULL-TIME, BARELY AFFORD TO PAY MY CAR INSURANCE MUCH LESS SAVE ANY IN MY SAVINGS, AND I CAN'T GET A FUCKING AUTO LOAN?!!!!!!!

Seriously. Someone kill me now. I can't fucking handle this anymore.

::sigh::

You know, sometimes I feel that my mother's only purpose in life is to reduce me back to something that's not a lifeform and to suck me dry of whatever spirit and money I have to make some sort of life for myself.

Sometimes I think I hate her.

Sometimes I want to kill her.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell she forces me to do stupid shit that I don't want to do. I wonder why she feels she needs to make the decisions in my life. I wonder why she doesn't just get off of her own ass and live a life for herself. Oh, wait, the multiple sclerosis has robbed her of whatever spirit and soul she has left, along with much of her walking ability.

Sometimes I feel that she honestly does not care about my own best interests at all.

Sometimes I just want to run far away from this home and disown myself from this family.