hollybrooke (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hollybrooke) wrote2009-12-03 10:30 pm
hollybrooke) wrote2009-12-03 10:30 pm
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On the third day of Snark-Mas, my true love gave to me...
Since it was on last night, the Rankin and Bass stop-motion classic "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!"
We all definitely have to give the good folks at Rankin and Bass much thanks and credit for bestowing this Christmas classic on us 45 years ago (Yes! It's been 45 years!). And as much as I love watching this one, it needs to be snarked on. But like with all my "Jem" snarks, I do it because I love it.
The special starts out with Sam the Snowman (voiced by the beloved Burl Ives) giving us a little intro about the one year where it was so cold and bad outside, Christmas was nearly cancelled...if it hadn't been for Rudolph. "Who's Rudolph?" we ask. (As if we haven't seen this special over and over again. But for the young'uns in the audience....this is for you!) Sam tells us, "Well, pull up an iceblock and lend an ear." Uh, no, I don't want to freeze my butt off, thankyouverymuch. And so, he starts singing the intro about knowing Dasher and Dancer, et al....and our special begins.
Santa's reindeer Donner and his wife have delivered a sweet fawn named Rudolph into the world. And right from the get-go, they notice that Rudolph has a birth defect: a shiny red, glowing nose:
"Great," Donner's thinking, "our son's a freak. Why don't we just stick him in a circus sideshow? Besides, we can't afford surgery to fix this thing on my lousy sleigh-pulling salary." Then the HBIC himself, Santa Claus, pops in to check on the Donners and their new faun. He sees how smart Rudolph is at just a few minutes old....then he sees Rudolph's schnozz. "HOLY CRAP, WHAT'S THAT?!" Santa says. "You better get that thing fixed, or else he'll never make it on the sleigh-pulling team." Santa then sings some song:
So Santa's pretty much guaranteeing that he'll pass over Rudolph on Christmas Eve? And you have to love how cheerful Santa is while singing this. What a condescending jerk.
Donner knows Rudolph's pretty much screwed, so he tries to hide his son's flaming nose with some dirt. Yeah. Like that's reeeally gonna help. Sam tells us how Donner then shows Rudolph the basics of growing up, like getting food and not bringing so much attention to his honker...especially where the Abominable Snowman is concerned:
"PUT YO' HANDS WAY UP IN THE AIR AND WAVE 'EM AROUND LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!"
Pretty soon, time passes and it's right before Christmas. Santa's got the elves working overtime in the toyshop. And you know, they're happy with their work, mindlessly singing their little elf songs and hammering and painting and woodcarving and that fun stuff. Elves eat this shit up. Except for one little elf named Hermey who's just not content with his lot in life.
He'd really rather be a dentist, to be quite honest.
And all the other elves like to shit all over Hermey's dream of being a dentist. They think it's just stupid. The head manager elf chews Hermey out for not being productive and takes away his measley ten-minute cigarette-and-coffee break to get cracking on those damn toys. Then Hermey gets all mopey and emo on us and wonders why he's such a misfit amongst the other elves. Don't worry, Hermey. Misfits' songs are always better. ;)
Meanwhile, Donner's getting ready for Rudolph to get some social interaction with his peers, but not without masking his screaming red honker with some special covering. Rudolph protests, but Donner is determined to make his kid fit in with the rest of the reindeer. Donner just can't seem to accept his son for the way God made him, I guess. It's sad, really. So Rudolph is now all mopey and emo, and goes outside and laments about his Misfit-ness. I hope he doesn't start cutting his wrists and wearing black eyeliner. Someone better give that poor reindeer a hug.
A little while later, it's April, and it's time for Rudolph to participate in reindeer games and learn how to fly. His nose-covering is going to be put to the test here. And it's REALLY important because Santa's going to be coming by to scout the reindeer; looks like he's hiring now, too. Donner tells Rudolph before shoving him out, "Remember, you're myyy little buck," but he might as well be telling him, "Don't screw this up for me, or Santa will never let me live it down!" (You'd think because Rudolph's a legacy, he'd have this in the bag.) He makes a new friend named Fireball instantly, and all hope isn't lost for Rudolph.
Back at Santa's castle, it's time fortheir daily brainwashing elf practice. The head manager elf rounds them all up to practice their elf-y song for Santa, who's rushed because he's scheduled to scout the new reindeer. But noooo. He has to play Simon Cowell first to this:
Afterwords, Santa curtly states, "It needs work" and rushes out. The head manager elf proclaims it was terrible and that the tenor section was weak. The other elves are all, "That's because Hermey skipped out on practice." For what? So he could actually get some work done in the workshop...working on dollies' teeth. The head manager elf bursts in and is all, "WHY WEREN'T YOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!" Hermey explains he's just fixing a doll's teeth, and the head manger elf bitches, "We have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any chewing dolls!" Oh, you think so? You don't think that some little girl doesn't want a doll that she can feed fake food to?
(I had this Baby Talk doll when I was about seven years old that did the same thing. She'd talk and "drink" her bottle. But one night, the mechanism in her just went haywire and she wouldn't shut up. Dad had to dismantle the poor doll and take out her circuitry so the problem wouldn't happen again. It was too late; the doll freaked me out so bad after that, I never wanted to play with her. This is why all the Child's Play movies freaked me the hell out. I just don't like talking dolls.)
But second of all, Hermey's finally found his niche in the workplace and is actually enjoying his job. And here he is, having his dream shit on by the head manager elf. Frankly, I think the head manager elf and all the other elves are just jealous that Hermey's got a head full of pretty blonde hair and the rest of them (besides the girl elves) are all bald. Assy McGee Elf threatens to fire Hermey if he doesn't get his elf act together and slams the door behind him. Now that he's broken all of Hermey's spirit, Hermey just decides to quit that shitty job and open up his own practice.
Back at the reindeer games, the young bucks are showing off in front of the does, and Rudolph has caught the eye of a pretty little doe in particular.
But it's time for actual flying practice/tryouts. Comet is in charge of coaching the yearlings, and they have a way to go before Fireball and Rudolph try out for Santa. So Fireball encourages Rudolph to go talk to that doe. She's such a sweet little thing, and Rudolph is so bashful. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen this since I was a kid and I've never noticed this until last night when it was on TV, but at 16:31 in it (on the DVD, anyway; I'm re-watching it), you can see this red gleam peeping through the covering on Rudolph's nose and showing up on his face. Since Rudolph's speech is being affected by the covering on his nose, the doe (who introduces herself as Clarice) asks him if they're anything wrong with his nose. Before his flying turn, Rudolph quickly asks Clarice to walk home with him, and she agrees. She tells him she thinks he's cute, and this just sends Rudolph over the moon with confidence! And he flies so well enough that Santa takes immediate notice and is impressed.
While he's celebrating with Fireball, his nose covering pops off off and practically blinds Fireball. Fireball's all, "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" Comet, Santa and all the other reindeer soon notice....and all of the reindeer start laughing at him and calling him names like "Fire-snout" and "Rainbow puss" (WTF?!). Santa tells Donner that he should be ashamed, and "What a pity, he had a nice take-off, too." Santa, you jackass, you will eat your words, I promise. Rudolph's kicked out of reindeer games because of his nose, and he runs off. Kids can be so cruel.
Clarice catches up with him. Rudolph's surprised she's still interested after what just happened, but she likes Rudolph for who he is and not what he looks like. Awww.
After a sweet song from her, she and Rudolph start to walk home when her dad shows up and tells her, "No doe of mine is going to be seen with an*gger red-nosed reindeer" and leads her away.
It's the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day for Rudolph, and while he's off being an emo reindeer, Hermey randomly pops out of a snowbank. They introduce themselves to each other, and Hermey tells Rudolph he wants to be a dentist. But they're both independent and don't need anybody. And depending on which version of the movie you watch, another song comes on:
THIS was the song in the original version:
And I don't know about you, but this is the version that was on the old, decrepit tape full o' Christmas specials that I have. So after Rudolph and Hermey have pretty much told the world to eff off, they set off for their own. And the world's a harsh place out there for a reindeer and an elf. They have to beware of the Abominable Snowman, of course.
Then they get some assistance from an unlikely source: a big, burly prospector named Yukon Cornelius.
Turns out he's out prospecting silver and gold, which means there's another song coming up by Burl Ives:
Anyway, Yukon offers Rudolph and Hermey to travel with him. And then they get chased by the Abominable Snowman (or the "Bumble," as Yukon affectionately calls him). Rudolph frets that his glowing schnozz is attracting the Bumble and pissing him off. Yukon chips off a big block of ice for them to float away to safety on. Wherever they're floating to is anyone's guess. But Yukon insists that they stay with him and they'll all strike it rich with "the biggest silver strike this side of Hudson Bay! SIL-VER!!!"
Now is a pretty good time for some commercials!
Checking back in on the Donners, Mr. Donner is feeling pretty guilty and ashamed about the way he treated his own son, especially since he has not returned home after being humiliated at reindeer games. So he goes off to search for Rudolph. Mrs. Donner wants to go with, but Donner tells her, "No, this is man's work." Wow, way to set the wimmens in their place. It doesn't matter, because Clarice shows up later, and the two of them set off on their own to search for Rudolph. A nice, collective "eff you" to Mr. Donner, am I right? You go, girls.
Meanwhile, our little rag-tag team of Rudolph, Hermey and Yukon have forged their way through the fog on their little iceberg onto a remote island. Upon setting foot on the island, they are greeted by the sentry.
Just what was wrong with the dolly? And how WOULD you feel to be a spotted elephant? There's nothing really wrong with these toys. Now here are some Misfit toys:
Like I said, it doesn't really matter. Their songs are better.
Rudolph assumes that they can stay on the island because they're misfits as well, but Charlie tells them they have to get permission from King Moonraiser, the giant griffin who rules over the island. So the gang goes to pay him a visit, and King Moonraiser tell them that living creatures really have no place on the island. Yukon sums it up the best: "Even among misfits, you're misfits!" King Moonraiser tells them that living creatures really can't run away from their problems and hide away on an island. (Oh, you think so?) But he asks Rudolph and Hermey that when they return to Christmastown, maybe he could put in a good word with Santa to help him out in finding homes for the toys? Huh, yeah right. After the way Rudolph and Hermey were treated by their peers, screw that. But Rudolph being the nice guy that he is agrees to do so, if they ever go back. King Moonraiser agrees to let them stay the night at the very least.
In their guest quarters, Yukon and Hermey make plans for them to all together the next morning. Rudolph objects; he'd rather set out on his own because he doesn't want his nose endangering his friends anymore than it already has. But Yukon insists that all go together. So Rudolph sneaks out after Yukon and Hermey have gone to sleep.
Time for another commercial break!
(*wearily eyes that Barbie and the Rockers commercial* For all the fellow Jem-fans who read my snarks, does anyone else think the Rockers' version of Ken looks suspiciously like Riot from the Stingers? GOD, I wish Hasbro had never cancelled Jem as soon as they did and produced out the Stingers dolls! They would've sold! *le sigh*) Anyhoo, back to the show.
A period of time passes, and Rudolph drifts here and there, making the occasional friend along the way. But it's nothing to really write home about. But he grows up in the process and develops some nice antlers. (The shot at 36:47 disturbs me when Rudolph is bent over getting a drink of water, because you can see that he has no genitals!) Eventually, Rudolph realizes that he can't run away from his troubles, so he gets some balls (YAY!) and decides to go back home to face his demons.
First thing he encounters when he gets back to the North Pole? The same bullies that teased Rudolph when he was a kid. And they STILL tease him. Wow, they really matured, didn't they? Rudolph gives them a dirty look and goes back to his homecave to see his parents. Santa shows up and breaks the bad news to them: they were killed by the same people who shot Bambi's mother. Nah, they've been gone for a while looking for him. So is Clarice. Santa's worried; Christmas is in two days, and without Donner, Santa will never get his sleigh off the ground. Well, cry Rudolph an effing river! Santa didn't find anyone else when he was reindeer scouting that day he was humiliated? Hey Santa, remember how well Rudolph flew on his first try? Asshole. He could've asked Rudolph to fill in there. That'd really piss Donner off. Rudolph resists the urge to tell Santa to kiss his ass, and takes the initiative to find them all and bring 'em home.
Then right when Rudolph leaves to go find them..............
....a nasty-ass snowstorm hits the North Pole. If being short a reindeer is going to trip Santa up, this might as well just ground him. (Nyah nyah, serves the fat bastard right.) Rudolph braves the storm anyway to find his family and girlfriend. And he knows where they are: in the Abominable Snowman's cave.
The Bumble's ready to have a nice venison meal out of Clarice when Rudolph orders him to put her down. Rudolph rams him in the butt with his antlers, and the Bumble really doesn't go for this, so he grabs a stalactite from his cave and whacks Rudolph with it.
Meanwhile, this whole time since Rudolph left them, Hermey and Yukon have been searching for him. Coincidentally, they wind up at the North Pole right outside the Bumble's cave when all this is happening.
I love the little mixed-up bunch of dogs that Yukon has pulling his sleigh: a St. Bernard, a dachsund, a beagle, a poodle and a collie. But they concoct a plan to distract the Bumble from Rudolph and his family just as Rudolph is coming to. Turns out the Bumble has another weakness: PORK. So Hermey does his best imitation of a stuck pig (and it's REALLY lame; the Bumble must be pretty dumb to believe that's really a pig). But it draws the Bumble out of the cave, and Yukon pushes a snow boulder on top of him. Then he pushes a REAL boulder onto him and knocks him out. And then Hermey comes in to work his mad dentisty skillz:
"GODDAMN, I HAVE NO TEETH!"
Then Yukon decides to harrass the Bumble some because "he's NOTHING without his teeth!" And while he pushes the Bumble off a very deep cliff, the Bumble pulls Yukon with him in the scuffle. .......Looks like he's dead. :(
They get back to the North Pole anyway to relay the news that the Bumble is dead, as well as Yukon. And then some credit is given where credit is due.....along with some long-deserved apologies. Santa apologizes to Rudolph and agrees to help the Misfit Toys find homes once the storm lets up. The head manager elf agrees to let Hermey set up his own dental practice, after Christmas. (And it's a good thing, too, because his teeth are worse than Austin Powers'!) And Donner apologizes to his son for treating him like crap.
Then the gates to Santa's castle bang loudly, and in enters...Yukon! He's not dead! And he has the BUMBLE with him! He's tamed the Bumble! ("Didn't I ever tell you? Bumble's bounce!") So he's a big manly man now.
Back to Christmas preparations, because the next night is Christmas Eve! And the snow storm still hasn't let up. So Santa's ready to just cancel Christmas. (YOU QUITTER!) He breaks the bad news to everyone, but he's getting irritated with Rudolph's glowing nose. Then Santa puts two and two together, and gets a GREAT IDEA! Why not have Rudolph lead the way with his nose?
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Now Rudolph could tell Santa to eff off, but he'll forgive and forget, just so he can take this opportunity to rub it all the other reindeer's noses (pun intended) that HE'S gonna get to fly after all, and HE gets to lead the team. Neener neener neener, nyah nyah, screw all you normal reindeer!
And now, my favorite Christmas song:
Santa gets his coat on, and gears up to go with Rudolph charged to full power. "First stop, the Island of Misfit Toys! UP, UP AND AWAAAAY!"
Back on the Island of Misfit Toys.....they're all having a crummy Christmas around a fire. This is kind of depressing, actually. If the toys start cutting themselves and wearing black eyeliner, I'm going to turn this shit off. But don't worry, it actually gets better!
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!"
So there you have it. Santa Claus was a fat bastard and actively encouraged discrimination in the work place. The reindeer made fun of Rudolph and talked smack about him behind his back. Then they ate their words in the end, kissed his ass, and begged Rudolph to work for him anyway. But it was a charming tale of rising up and triumphing over adversity. Thank you for checking this out, and have a good night!
We all definitely have to give the good folks at Rankin and Bass much thanks and credit for bestowing this Christmas classic on us 45 years ago (Yes! It's been 45 years!). And as much as I love watching this one, it needs to be snarked on. But like with all my "Jem" snarks, I do it because I love it.
The special starts out with Sam the Snowman (voiced by the beloved Burl Ives) giving us a little intro about the one year where it was so cold and bad outside, Christmas was nearly cancelled...if it hadn't been for Rudolph. "Who's Rudolph?" we ask. (As if we haven't seen this special over and over again. But for the young'uns in the audience....this is for you!) Sam tells us, "Well, pull up an iceblock and lend an ear." Uh, no, I don't want to freeze my butt off, thankyouverymuch. And so, he starts singing the intro about knowing Dasher and Dancer, et al....and our special begins.
Santa's reindeer Donner and his wife have delivered a sweet fawn named Rudolph into the world. And right from the get-go, they notice that Rudolph has a birth defect: a shiny red, glowing nose:
"Great," Donner's thinking, "our son's a freak. Why don't we just stick him in a circus sideshow? Besides, we can't afford surgery to fix this thing on my lousy sleigh-pulling salary." Then the HBIC himself, Santa Claus, pops in to check on the Donners and their new faun. He sees how smart Rudolph is at just a few minutes old....then he sees Rudolph's schnozz. "HOLY CRAP, WHAT'S THAT?!" Santa says. "You better get that thing fixed, or else he'll never make it on the sleigh-pulling team." Santa then sings some song:
So Santa's pretty much guaranteeing that he'll pass over Rudolph on Christmas Eve? And you have to love how cheerful Santa is while singing this. What a condescending jerk.
Donner knows Rudolph's pretty much screwed, so he tries to hide his son's flaming nose with some dirt. Yeah. Like that's reeeally gonna help. Sam tells us how Donner then shows Rudolph the basics of growing up, like getting food and not bringing so much attention to his honker...especially where the Abominable Snowman is concerned:
"PUT YO' HANDS WAY UP IN THE AIR AND WAVE 'EM AROUND LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!"
Pretty soon, time passes and it's right before Christmas. Santa's got the elves working overtime in the toyshop. And you know, they're happy with their work, mindlessly singing their little elf songs and hammering and painting and woodcarving and that fun stuff. Elves eat this shit up. Except for one little elf named Hermey who's just not content with his lot in life.
He'd really rather be a dentist, to be quite honest.
And all the other elves like to shit all over Hermey's dream of being a dentist. They think it's just stupid. The head manager elf chews Hermey out for not being productive and takes away his measley ten-minute cigarette-and-coffee break to get cracking on those damn toys. Then Hermey gets all mopey and emo on us and wonders why he's such a misfit amongst the other elves. Don't worry, Hermey. Misfits' songs are always better. ;)
Meanwhile, Donner's getting ready for Rudolph to get some social interaction with his peers, but not without masking his screaming red honker with some special covering. Rudolph protests, but Donner is determined to make his kid fit in with the rest of the reindeer. Donner just can't seem to accept his son for the way God made him, I guess. It's sad, really. So Rudolph is now all mopey and emo, and goes outside and laments about his Misfit-ness. I hope he doesn't start cutting his wrists and wearing black eyeliner. Someone better give that poor reindeer a hug.
A little while later, it's April, and it's time for Rudolph to participate in reindeer games and learn how to fly. His nose-covering is going to be put to the test here. And it's REALLY important because Santa's going to be coming by to scout the reindeer; looks like he's hiring now, too. Donner tells Rudolph before shoving him out, "Remember, you're myyy little buck," but he might as well be telling him, "Don't screw this up for me, or Santa will never let me live it down!" (You'd think because Rudolph's a legacy, he'd have this in the bag.) He makes a new friend named Fireball instantly, and all hope isn't lost for Rudolph.
Back at Santa's castle, it's time for
Afterwords, Santa curtly states, "It needs work" and rushes out. The head manager elf proclaims it was terrible and that the tenor section was weak. The other elves are all, "That's because Hermey skipped out on practice." For what? So he could actually get some work done in the workshop...working on dollies' teeth. The head manager elf bursts in and is all, "WHY WEREN'T YOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!" Hermey explains he's just fixing a doll's teeth, and the head manger elf bitches, "We have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any chewing dolls!" Oh, you think so? You don't think that some little girl doesn't want a doll that she can feed fake food to?
(I had this Baby Talk doll when I was about seven years old that did the same thing. She'd talk and "drink" her bottle. But one night, the mechanism in her just went haywire and she wouldn't shut up. Dad had to dismantle the poor doll and take out her circuitry so the problem wouldn't happen again. It was too late; the doll freaked me out so bad after that, I never wanted to play with her. This is why all the Child's Play movies freaked me the hell out. I just don't like talking dolls.)
But second of all, Hermey's finally found his niche in the workplace and is actually enjoying his job. And here he is, having his dream shit on by the head manager elf. Frankly, I think the head manager elf and all the other elves are just jealous that Hermey's got a head full of pretty blonde hair and the rest of them (besides the girl elves) are all bald. Assy McGee Elf threatens to fire Hermey if he doesn't get his elf act together and slams the door behind him. Now that he's broken all of Hermey's spirit, Hermey just decides to quit that shitty job and open up his own practice.
Back at the reindeer games, the young bucks are showing off in front of the does, and Rudolph has caught the eye of a pretty little doe in particular.
But it's time for actual flying practice/tryouts. Comet is in charge of coaching the yearlings, and they have a way to go before Fireball and Rudolph try out for Santa. So Fireball encourages Rudolph to go talk to that doe. She's such a sweet little thing, and Rudolph is so bashful. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen this since I was a kid and I've never noticed this until last night when it was on TV, but at 16:31 in it (on the DVD, anyway; I'm re-watching it), you can see this red gleam peeping through the covering on Rudolph's nose and showing up on his face. Since Rudolph's speech is being affected by the covering on his nose, the doe (who introduces herself as Clarice) asks him if they're anything wrong with his nose. Before his flying turn, Rudolph quickly asks Clarice to walk home with him, and she agrees. She tells him she thinks he's cute, and this just sends Rudolph over the moon with confidence! And he flies so well enough that Santa takes immediate notice and is impressed.
While he's celebrating with Fireball, his nose covering pops off off and practically blinds Fireball. Fireball's all, "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" Comet, Santa and all the other reindeer soon notice....and all of the reindeer start laughing at him and calling him names like "Fire-snout" and "Rainbow puss" (WTF?!). Santa tells Donner that he should be ashamed, and "What a pity, he had a nice take-off, too." Santa, you jackass, you will eat your words, I promise. Rudolph's kicked out of reindeer games because of his nose, and he runs off. Kids can be so cruel.
Clarice catches up with him. Rudolph's surprised she's still interested after what just happened, but she likes Rudolph for who he is and not what he looks like. Awww.
After a sweet song from her, she and Rudolph start to walk home when her dad shows up and tells her, "No doe of mine is going to be seen with a
It's the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day for Rudolph, and while he's off being an emo reindeer, Hermey randomly pops out of a snowbank. They introduce themselves to each other, and Hermey tells Rudolph he wants to be a dentist. But they're both independent and don't need anybody. And depending on which version of the movie you watch, another song comes on:
THIS was the song in the original version:
And I don't know about you, but this is the version that was on the old, decrepit tape full o' Christmas specials that I have. So after Rudolph and Hermey have pretty much told the world to eff off, they set off for their own. And the world's a harsh place out there for a reindeer and an elf. They have to beware of the Abominable Snowman, of course.
Then they get some assistance from an unlikely source: a big, burly prospector named Yukon Cornelius.
Turns out he's out prospecting silver and gold, which means there's another song coming up by Burl Ives:
Anyway, Yukon offers Rudolph and Hermey to travel with him. And then they get chased by the Abominable Snowman (or the "Bumble," as Yukon affectionately calls him). Rudolph frets that his glowing schnozz is attracting the Bumble and pissing him off. Yukon chips off a big block of ice for them to float away to safety on. Wherever they're floating to is anyone's guess. But Yukon insists that they stay with him and they'll all strike it rich with "the biggest silver strike this side of Hudson Bay! SIL-VER!!!"
Now is a pretty good time for some commercials!
Checking back in on the Donners, Mr. Donner is feeling pretty guilty and ashamed about the way he treated his own son, especially since he has not returned home after being humiliated at reindeer games. So he goes off to search for Rudolph. Mrs. Donner wants to go with, but Donner tells her, "No, this is man's work." Wow, way to set the wimmens in their place. It doesn't matter, because Clarice shows up later, and the two of them set off on their own to search for Rudolph. A nice, collective "eff you" to Mr. Donner, am I right? You go, girls.
Meanwhile, our little rag-tag team of Rudolph, Hermey and Yukon have forged their way through the fog on their little iceberg onto a remote island. Upon setting foot on the island, they are greeted by the sentry.
Just what was wrong with the dolly? And how WOULD you feel to be a spotted elephant? There's nothing really wrong with these toys. Now here are some Misfit toys:
Like I said, it doesn't really matter. Their songs are better.
Rudolph assumes that they can stay on the island because they're misfits as well, but Charlie tells them they have to get permission from King Moonraiser, the giant griffin who rules over the island. So the gang goes to pay him a visit, and King Moonraiser tell them that living creatures really have no place on the island. Yukon sums it up the best: "Even among misfits, you're misfits!" King Moonraiser tells them that living creatures really can't run away from their problems and hide away on an island. (Oh, you think so?) But he asks Rudolph and Hermey that when they return to Christmastown, maybe he could put in a good word with Santa to help him out in finding homes for the toys? Huh, yeah right. After the way Rudolph and Hermey were treated by their peers, screw that. But Rudolph being the nice guy that he is agrees to do so, if they ever go back. King Moonraiser agrees to let them stay the night at the very least.
In their guest quarters, Yukon and Hermey make plans for them to all together the next morning. Rudolph objects; he'd rather set out on his own because he doesn't want his nose endangering his friends anymore than it already has. But Yukon insists that all go together. So Rudolph sneaks out after Yukon and Hermey have gone to sleep.
Time for another commercial break!
(*wearily eyes that Barbie and the Rockers commercial* For all the fellow Jem-fans who read my snarks, does anyone else think the Rockers' version of Ken looks suspiciously like Riot from the Stingers? GOD, I wish Hasbro had never cancelled Jem as soon as they did and produced out the Stingers dolls! They would've sold! *le sigh*) Anyhoo, back to the show.
A period of time passes, and Rudolph drifts here and there, making the occasional friend along the way. But it's nothing to really write home about. But he grows up in the process and develops some nice antlers. (The shot at 36:47 disturbs me when Rudolph is bent over getting a drink of water, because you can see that he has no genitals!) Eventually, Rudolph realizes that he can't run away from his troubles, so he gets some balls (YAY!) and decides to go back home to face his demons.
First thing he encounters when he gets back to the North Pole? The same bullies that teased Rudolph when he was a kid. And they STILL tease him. Wow, they really matured, didn't they? Rudolph gives them a dirty look and goes back to his homecave to see his parents. Santa shows up and breaks the bad news to them: they were killed by the same people who shot Bambi's mother. Nah, they've been gone for a while looking for him. So is Clarice. Santa's worried; Christmas is in two days, and without Donner, Santa will never get his sleigh off the ground. Well, cry Rudolph an effing river! Santa didn't find anyone else when he was reindeer scouting that day he was humiliated? Hey Santa, remember how well Rudolph flew on his first try? Asshole. He could've asked Rudolph to fill in there. That'd really piss Donner off. Rudolph resists the urge to tell Santa to kiss his ass, and takes the initiative to find them all and bring 'em home.
Then right when Rudolph leaves to go find them..............
....a nasty-ass snowstorm hits the North Pole. If being short a reindeer is going to trip Santa up, this might as well just ground him. (Nyah nyah, serves the fat bastard right.) Rudolph braves the storm anyway to find his family and girlfriend. And he knows where they are: in the Abominable Snowman's cave.
The Bumble's ready to have a nice venison meal out of Clarice when Rudolph orders him to put her down. Rudolph rams him in the butt with his antlers, and the Bumble really doesn't go for this, so he grabs a stalactite from his cave and whacks Rudolph with it.
Meanwhile, this whole time since Rudolph left them, Hermey and Yukon have been searching for him. Coincidentally, they wind up at the North Pole right outside the Bumble's cave when all this is happening.
I love the little mixed-up bunch of dogs that Yukon has pulling his sleigh: a St. Bernard, a dachsund, a beagle, a poodle and a collie. But they concoct a plan to distract the Bumble from Rudolph and his family just as Rudolph is coming to. Turns out the Bumble has another weakness: PORK. So Hermey does his best imitation of a stuck pig (and it's REALLY lame; the Bumble must be pretty dumb to believe that's really a pig). But it draws the Bumble out of the cave, and Yukon pushes a snow boulder on top of him. Then he pushes a REAL boulder onto him and knocks him out. And then Hermey comes in to work his mad dentisty skillz:
"GODDAMN, I HAVE NO TEETH!"
Then Yukon decides to harrass the Bumble some because "he's NOTHING without his teeth!" And while he pushes the Bumble off a very deep cliff, the Bumble pulls Yukon with him in the scuffle. .......Looks like he's dead. :(
They get back to the North Pole anyway to relay the news that the Bumble is dead, as well as Yukon. And then some credit is given where credit is due.....along with some long-deserved apologies. Santa apologizes to Rudolph and agrees to help the Misfit Toys find homes once the storm lets up. The head manager elf agrees to let Hermey set up his own dental practice, after Christmas. (And it's a good thing, too, because his teeth are worse than Austin Powers'!) And Donner apologizes to his son for treating him like crap.
Then the gates to Santa's castle bang loudly, and in enters...Yukon! He's not dead! And he has the BUMBLE with him! He's tamed the Bumble! ("Didn't I ever tell you? Bumble's bounce!") So he's a big manly man now.
Back to Christmas preparations, because the next night is Christmas Eve! And the snow storm still hasn't let up. So Santa's ready to just cancel Christmas. (YOU QUITTER!) He breaks the bad news to everyone, but he's getting irritated with Rudolph's glowing nose. Then Santa puts two and two together, and gets a GREAT IDEA! Why not have Rudolph lead the way with his nose?
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Now Rudolph could tell Santa to eff off, but he'll forgive and forget, just so he can take this opportunity to rub it all the other reindeer's noses (pun intended) that HE'S gonna get to fly after all, and HE gets to lead the team. Neener neener neener, nyah nyah, screw all you normal reindeer!
And now, my favorite Christmas song:
Santa gets his coat on, and gears up to go with Rudolph charged to full power. "First stop, the Island of Misfit Toys! UP, UP AND AWAAAAY!"
Back on the Island of Misfit Toys.....they're all having a crummy Christmas around a fire. This is kind of depressing, actually. If the toys start cutting themselves and wearing black eyeliner, I'm going to turn this shit off. But don't worry, it actually gets better!
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!"
So there you have it. Santa Claus was a fat bastard and actively encouraged discrimination in the work place. The reindeer made fun of Rudolph and talked smack about him behind his back. Then they ate their words in the end, kissed his ass, and begged Rudolph to work for him anyway. But it was a charming tale of rising up and triumphing over adversity. Thank you for checking this out, and have a good night!