hollybrooke (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hollybrooke) wrote2008-10-22 08:26 am
hollybrooke) wrote2008-10-22 08:26 am
Entry tags:
some random freewriting for the sake of Starbright
You don't have to read if you don't want to...will put behind a cut for those of you who don't really get into "Jem;" this is mainly for my sake.
....I don't think she ever really loved me. Hell, I was never really able to tell her that I did, and she never told me, either. What does that say about where we stood? I don't know why I was never able to just tell her how I felt. And now, I regret not saying anything sooner. Maybe things would be much different now if I had just told her instead of holding back.
Why did we even stay together for as long as we did? She was my first girlfriend. I was her first boyfriend. I mean really, your first love is very rarely the one you stay with forever. And those high school romances that stay together afterwards? They stay together usually because the girl gets knocked up, then they get married for the sake of the kids, and they're never happy. Those people later on wish they had dated around more before they settled down. Naive fools.
Did we stay together for the sake of her dad? Because that's what Emmett expected out of us? I don't know, maybe we did. I don't want to think that's why I didn't want to give up on her. I mean, hell. Emmett's been dead for a while now, God rest his soul. He was more of a father to me than my own father was. Why stay together for someone who's not even alive anymore?
What would Emmett think of everything that's happened? How would he feel that his daughter's been living a double life and pretty much playing me for a fool? I would think he'd be very disappointed in Jerrica, but I don't know.
And why did she wait for so long to just tell me that she was Jem? I seriously don't get it. Why did she feel she had to start hiding stuff from me? Why did she even start all the flirting and stuff with me as Jem? I don't get that at all. Maybe she's got some mental problems that I'm not sure of.
What bothers me the most is the fact that Kimber, Aja and Shana helped her keep it up. I thought they were my friends. Were they all laughing at me behind my back? Were they laying down judgment on me because I was fooling around with Jem behind Jerrica's back? And if they truly thought she was doing something wrong by not telling me, why the hell didn't they tell me?
And then there's Raya. Raya wasn't even an original member of the band. She was originally Shana's replacement. I wonder what kind of initiation Raya got when she won that contest. "Oh yeah, Jerrica's really Jem, and you can't tell ANYONE about this. Not even Rio! Especially not him! He doesn't know, isn't it funny? Anyway, if you so much as breathe anything that might suggest Jerrica's really Jem, we'll boot you from the band and do more damage to your dad's nursery than the Misfits did and pretty much make your life miserable."
What the hell did I do to deserve this? She plays this twisted game with my head and heart, then pretty much gives me the shaft for Riot, but acts like she just can't bear to let me go. Oh hell no. Gotta keep up the context that Jem and Jerrica are two seperate people so we don't lose Rio as our road manager and producer. I freaking told her I didn't really want to be road manager because I could tell being around Jem all the time, there would be a problem. I don't know why I'm even bothering to help them with a new album now after everything that's happened. I don't envy whoever she winds up with now one bit. The new guy can deal with all her mind games. Hell, RIOT can keep her. They're probably perfect for each other. They both like to mess with people.
Like I said, I don't think she ever loved me. She used me, that's all. Jerrica Benton is nothing but a user, a liar, a tease...and I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her.
....I don't think she ever really loved me. Hell, I was never really able to tell her that I did, and she never told me, either. What does that say about where we stood? I don't know why I was never able to just tell her how I felt. And now, I regret not saying anything sooner. Maybe things would be much different now if I had just told her instead of holding back.
Why did we even stay together for as long as we did? She was my first girlfriend. I was her first boyfriend. I mean really, your first love is very rarely the one you stay with forever. And those high school romances that stay together afterwards? They stay together usually because the girl gets knocked up, then they get married for the sake of the kids, and they're never happy. Those people later on wish they had dated around more before they settled down. Naive fools.
Did we stay together for the sake of her dad? Because that's what Emmett expected out of us? I don't know, maybe we did. I don't want to think that's why I didn't want to give up on her. I mean, hell. Emmett's been dead for a while now, God rest his soul. He was more of a father to me than my own father was. Why stay together for someone who's not even alive anymore?
What would Emmett think of everything that's happened? How would he feel that his daughter's been living a double life and pretty much playing me for a fool? I would think he'd be very disappointed in Jerrica, but I don't know.
And why did she wait for so long to just tell me that she was Jem? I seriously don't get it. Why did she feel she had to start hiding stuff from me? Why did she even start all the flirting and stuff with me as Jem? I don't get that at all. Maybe she's got some mental problems that I'm not sure of.
What bothers me the most is the fact that Kimber, Aja and Shana helped her keep it up. I thought they were my friends. Were they all laughing at me behind my back? Were they laying down judgment on me because I was fooling around with Jem behind Jerrica's back? And if they truly thought she was doing something wrong by not telling me, why the hell didn't they tell me?
And then there's Raya. Raya wasn't even an original member of the band. She was originally Shana's replacement. I wonder what kind of initiation Raya got when she won that contest. "Oh yeah, Jerrica's really Jem, and you can't tell ANYONE about this. Not even Rio! Especially not him! He doesn't know, isn't it funny? Anyway, if you so much as breathe anything that might suggest Jerrica's really Jem, we'll boot you from the band and do more damage to your dad's nursery than the Misfits did and pretty much make your life miserable."
What the hell did I do to deserve this? She plays this twisted game with my head and heart, then pretty much gives me the shaft for Riot, but acts like she just can't bear to let me go. Oh hell no. Gotta keep up the context that Jem and Jerrica are two seperate people so we don't lose Rio as our road manager and producer. I freaking told her I didn't really want to be road manager because I could tell being around Jem all the time, there would be a problem. I don't know why I'm even bothering to help them with a new album now after everything that's happened. I don't envy whoever she winds up with now one bit. The new guy can deal with all her mind games. Hell, RIOT can keep her. They're probably perfect for each other. They both like to mess with people.
Like I said, I don't think she ever loved me. She used me, that's all. Jerrica Benton is nothing but a user, a liar, a tease...and I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her.