Making Plans

Jul. 29th, 2017 01:10 am
iosonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
We're talking about setting surveillance up around the home to gather evidence that my brother lacks the mental capacity to advocate for himself, as well as to protect us legally from repercussions relating to his girlfriend Veronica. Who is completely insane and today she was flat-out lying to my dad about behaviors we have both personally witnessed. (e.g. Claiming she doesn't call my brother. She calls him multiple dozens of times per day.)

Basically if my brother gets himself in new legal trouble, we want to have evidence that he doesn't belong in prison, he belongs in a mental hospital.




I've been struggling with getting to CoDA meetings, given I have two jobs. I've been thinking about also just trying to reinvigorate my involvement in synagogue, and possibly also the Roman Catholic Church. I need to start getting myself tied to some communities.

I've also been trying to look up MeetUps in places where I'm interested in moving next year. Long Beach, Anaheim, etc.

SAN DIEGO SATURDAY SAN DIEGO SATURDAY

Jul. 28th, 2017 03:50 pm
iosonochesono: (MLP: Goofy Do Want)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Okay I decided to screw it. I'm going to do the paragliding. I'll just not do the photo/video package and then I can always do it another time while being trained.

Instead of doing the 5k, I'll do some jogging, maybe go by a gym here. Then go down to the San Diego area for body-boarding and paragliding. Then in the evening, I'll go to the boat party.

Hello people!

Jul. 28th, 2017 10:12 am
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AGE GROUP / GENDER: Early 40s & F

COUNTRY: USA

LIKES: Creating. Daydreaming. Paddle boarding. Vegetables. Goats. Horses. Chickens. Music.

DISLIKES: Politics. Religion. Hate.

MY STORY: I'm an artist. A creator. A starry-eyed optimistic. I'm an introvert, a smart ass, and I say fuck a lot. (Don't worry, it offends me too) I live on a very old farm with my husband. I have muddy boots, painted fingernails, my own business, and a large collection of bungee cords. My writing style fluctuates greatly with my moods. I reserve the right to not make any sense at any given time as well as the right to make you think that six totally different people are writing in this journal. I even entertain myself in that aspect. Just go with it.

Sometimes I write well thought out entries. Sometimes I just type shit and hit post. It is what it is. LiveJournaler since 2003, imported here 2017.

I'M INSPIRED BY: Color. Nature. Compassion.

LIFE GOALS: Avoid growing up. Stop running with scissors. Get taxes done early. Don't go grocery shopping when hungry.

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME: I can say the alphabet faster backwards than I can forwards. I can't whistle. I love bananas.

San Diego Saturday

Jul. 28th, 2017 12:10 am
iosonochesono: (HA! Helga Rockin' Out)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
This week I'm planning to go to San Diego, instead of Long Beach. I bought tickets to an event in the evening, so during the day I'm trying to get events lined up down there.

I really wanted to do paragliding. That was the main reason I was looking into San Diego. But I can't really afford it this week. Especially because I'd want the photo and video package (I think I mentioned earlier this year about learning that people who see themselves less tend to have poorer self esteem? So I was trying to make sure there were more photos of myself available. But I'm not motivated enough to take a lot of photos of myself.)

So I was thinking there's probably a lot of other activities down there. Kayaking. Surfing. I saw an archery group that does lessons Saturday. I'll just make a day of it.




I think I'm going to remove myself from all groups near where I live and instead focus on groups in the Los Angeles/Long Beach area, as a means of trying to figure out where I'd be interested in moving. I'm not sure I really want to live in Long Beach, though. If I want to keep working where I'm working and potentially go to school in Long Beach, I may want to find a city that serves as a midway point.

Running On The Cheap

Jul. 27th, 2017 08:02 am
iosonochesono: (Simpsons: Hipster Lisa)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I was thinking about how much driving all the way to San Diego or Long Beach to do a 5k would suck on a weekly basis. I may go Saturday, but that's a very long excursion to do more than once per month - bi-weekly at most. And a lot of these races are a few dozen dollars each to register.

Then I thought: what if I tried to start my own local 5k?

At first I was thinking I could try and start a work-specific one - which would be geared toward people in the store. But instead what if I did "Shopping Center Sprinters" and basically invited anyone in the vicinity to come out for a weekly run? And if people actually tried showing up, eventually I could try to collect really small dollar amounts (e.g. 1-5) for prizes?




I've been looking up room renting and found places that go as low as $450/month if you're willing to share a room. It might be an option temporarily for living independently of any family members (and for trying to test out if I like living in an area or not.)

So, knowing I can find places in my budget, it then becomes about paying off any debts and getting rid of unnecessary material possessions.

Fun And Excitement

Jul. 26th, 2017 10:02 pm
iosonochesono: (MLP: Super Happy/Excited)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
So, I want to work on doing adventurous things every weekend, and was thinking about trying to do paragliding this weekend. But I think it makes more sense to do a big thing every-other-weekend.

There's a 5k in Long Beach this weekend and since I'm considering trying to move up to Long Beach in March, I thought maybe I should start trying to get to the 5ks out there, explore the area. (Plus, it's a relatively inexpensive 5k.)

Maybe have a plan where every-other-week or so, I do something bucket-list big. (That's when I get a paycheck from both jobs.) Though it's not like I could even think to do that every week. Eventually, what will happen is things will get cheaper, because instead of doing it as tandem or part of a lesson I'll be doing it solo or with groups. Paragliding tandem is expensive, but paragliding by oneself is cheap. Skydiving in tandem is expensive, if I learn to skydive solo it's cheap. Rinse and repeat. Surfing lessons are expensive. Going out to the beach with a bodyboard and surfboard on my own? Pretty cheap.

So I'll spend more some weeks, and other weeks will get closer and closer to dirt cheap.

I've also decided I want to push the CNA and TEFL/CELTA specifically this year. I'm considering moving to Long Beach... But I may also just see if I can get teaching jobs out of the country.

Patrick really wants to do TEFL himself. Jessica was considering it. So it'd be something I could get into where I wasn't necessarily going it alone.
iosonochesono: Aang, Sokka, Katara being chased by the fire nation. (Avatar TLA: Trio AAAAH!)
[personal profile] iosonochesono


In today's episode of "My brother destroys everything he touches" - he does this to all his technology. This was part of the damage from the other day.

I remember this thing talking about abuse in a book - I think it was Why Does He Do That? or rather, a quote from that book in another book - and the doctor asking a patient whether their partner broke all things, or just hers. And it was pointed out that this was evidence of his conscientiousness and abuse - he was never enraged enough to actually lose all control and start breaking all the things in the house. He only attacked hers.

Well, in line with my brother being mentally ill as opposed to straight-up abusive... He destroys a lot of his own shit. Most of the stuff he was throwing was his own.

ReActivate

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:03 am
iosonochesono: (TPATF: Fray)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
I'm not sure how far I am through the ReActivate course (textbook.) A lot of it I remember. Some of it I need to review. Some things I need to review a lot.

I'm excited at the idea of becoming involved in the local dive community. I only hope I can start getting involved in 5k runs, as well. The main problem with running is that finding the time to train with two jobs is hard.




Learning about codependency has been really hard. I feel weary. I think of things I've tried to control so long and have finally stopped trying to control them. I think of all the ways I've let myself be a doormat over the years. I hurt over people I lost - either because I pushed them and hurt them, or because I imagined we were closer and more intimate than we were and opened up too hard and too fast.

I've cried a lot the last week. It hasn't all been bad. There's been a lot of thinking about the ways I isolated myself, the way I pushed people away, all the ways I became a husk and tried to fill my identity by attaching myself to another person. People I hurt specifically because I wanted to make sure they were never in my life again. People I've neglected because I was so worried what they thought of me. That stuff hasn't been pleasant. Of those things, the most harrowing has been Memo, because Memo really never did anything really wrong. It just sucked that he found his soulmate when he did.

There's been a lot of confusion - a lot of attempted thought as to who I am, what I like. That feeling, the feeling of being empty or blank. It's a sign of depression and codependency. Undeveloped or neglected self. If I don't know, it's a chance to look for experiences.

The more I stop letting other people be an excuse for why I don't do things - surf, hike, skydive, bungee jump, paraglide, SCUBA dive, etc. - the better I feel. And in the same vein, I've stopped being a perfectionist. I'm not waiting to be 120LBS before starting to dive again. I'll continue to try and be healthier and stronger. But I am going to get back into diving now.

I cut a lot of people from FaceBook, and plan to cut more. If we don't talk or hang out, we're not friends, and I don't want to pretend to be friends with people. I want to work on being the person I am.




Some people at work are really mad that I went skydiving without inviting them. It's really funny, because I kept inviting people skydiving over the last year. And people kept making excuses for why they couldn't go.

And a lot of these people don't invite me anywhere. Or they bail. They don't invite me to parties, they don't invite me clubbing, they bail on running or hiking.

I don't feel like bringing people along with me on adventures when we don't even do day-to-day conversations. I don't want to take someone sky-diving if they're not someone I feel I can talk to about what goes on in my home.

So I won't.

Maybe I will invite people, eventually. But I feel like if I can't even count on you for a jog, why should I count on you to travel or go on adventures with? I mean, there's a lot of 'let it happen' and 'go with the flow' mentality when discussing codependency and trying to establish more relationships and bond with others so you're not relying too much on a small network. But it just seems stupid for people to expect me to invite them along on the big outings when we don't do small stuff together. Like. The people you're supposed to do the adventurous stuff with are supposed to be people you already do the little things with.
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Name: Fallon Sousa
Age: 21
Country: USA
Subscription/Access Policy: Whatever goes/whatever you feel comfortable with, but please no under 18's.

 Interests:
The X-Files, cats, coffee, aliens, life.

I like to post about: Mulder and Scully and how they are the OTP, occasional personal stuff. I love my cats and if I can figure out how to add a picture, maybe I will. I drink a lot of coffee and I complain about that.

About Me/Other Info: If you Google my name, you will see I have written erotica not related to fandom, penned a movie script, and graduated from HS (lol) I'm queer in some way, still figuring out the specifics, and I'm a liberal. No trumpsters, sexists/racists/homophobes please. As long as you are a nice person I'll be nice back. :) I'm also mentally and chronically ill, so you might see stuff about that but not too much.

ReActivate

Jul. 25th, 2017 03:09 pm
iosonochesono: The Rachel Maddow Show (Political: Rachel Maddow Show Sign)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
The PADI ReActivate course is (currently) really common-sense. Then I just have to go by the dive shop I made my 'home' dive shop and see about getting dives set up with a Master Diver.

My thought is I'll 'ReActivate' all my past certifications first, then see if I can knock them all out in the same few dives. (I only had three.) Then I'll start getting involved with the dive clubs in Orange County.

Then after that I want to start doing specialty courses - especially wreck diver and cavern diver. But I'll probably focus on a few of the easier ones first, e.g. Underwater photography.




The flight school responded to tell me they don't sell dollar-value gift certificates online but if I visit them I can get a dollar-value gift certificate there. So what I'll do is go down there to do a tandem flight, and each time I do, I'll have $200-$400 to put on a gift certificate toward the P1 + P2 certification combo.




I was thinking about trying to apologize to Jordan and telling him he really doesn't need to avoid me at work. Like, my feelings will recover (I think they would have already if it hadn't been his avoidance at work.)

But I'd already told him that. So instead I guess I'll just try to practice MYOB: Mind Your Own Business. Eventually he'll either stop avoiding me, or one of us won't work in the shopping center anymore.




In the meantime... Time to go to work.

Family Drama

Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:29 pm
iosonochesono: (DP: You and I (Sam to Danny))
[personal profile] iosonochesono
Kevin, "Can you take me to Target?"
Me, "Okay, let's go now so I can sleep before my night shift."
Me, "Hey can you hide your [pot]? It's poisonous to cats."
Kevin, "No it's not."
Me, "Yes it is, you can look it up online."
Kevin, "Never mind, I don't even wanna go to CostCo and Target. I don't want to deal with the stress. I don't need this third degree."
Me, "I wasn't giving you the third degree, I was asking you to keep the pot--"
Kevin, "NEVER MIND."



Thirty Minutes Later After I've Come Home




Kevin, "Mind taking me to the gas station?"
Me, "You asked me to take you to Target. I agreed, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry you're stressed out, but I'm home now and planning to sleep before work."

And... Now he's screaming at everyone and throwing stuff. But maybe he'll realize this constant yanking on my chain is inappropriate. I'm not sure how much this works when the drug/alcohol abuser you're dealing with someone who ALSO has a personality and mood disorder.

He doesn't get it. We don't want him gone. We want him to get help. But letting his mood swings dictate all our decisions is not a solution.

In the 'getting out of this living situation' - since paying half the rent didn't work in giving me a better say in my living situation and Dad still forced us to let Kevin move back in - I'm thinking I could try moving to Anaheim? There's an ROP nursing program there, I wouldn't have to quit any job, and it's a good halfway point to Long Beach, too, which is where the CNA courses are hosted.

Room-searching scares me though. Lots of creepy advertisements. Then again, it can't be that much worse than living with my brother. Except the ads looking to rent a room 'for free' in exchange for being an 'FWB.'

Like... I know most men are not disgusting, most people are generally good (or at least well-intentioned), etc.

But there are some doozies when you're looking at ads searching for roommates.

(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2017 05:14 pm
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I'm a 33 year old Scottish woman, trying to get my journal groove back. I'm a mum of three boys from teen to newborn, and work in healthcare but (thankfully) I'm on maternity leave just now. I mainly write about daily life, the struggles and highlights of attempting to adult and parent and be healthy as a highly strung, stressed over-thinker who doesn't like herself most of the time.  

Wow, I sound fun.  Should I mention that there will be wine, gin and chocolate?

I was obsessed with my Livejournal back in the day - I started it back in 2003 and even though I've only dipped in and out of it in recent years, writing is still very much how I make sense of my life and my mind. That's why I'm trying to reignite that obsession I once had...though it's difficult with increasing grown up responsibilities and shrinking time of my own to put pen to paper fingers to keyboard.  But I know I need the chance to record snatches of life as it flies past, and an outlet for when my mental health takes a dive. 

I swear and I like to write no-holds-barred.  I'm very liberal and support choice - be that choice of who you love, choice over your reproductive options, or just the freedom to chose what you're going to watch on telly tonight. I'm doing my Masters in weight management so I try to live healthily through fitness (like dancing and weight training, albeit on a very beginner level) and healthy eating, but more often than not find myself alone amongst the crumbs at the bottom of a packet of biscuits. I'm book obsessed (mainly literary fiction and never fantasy, chick-lit, or much sci-fi), love a good tv series (Mr Robot, Stranger Things, The Handmaid's Tale, OITNB, Top of the Lake and Homeland have been recent highlights), and sometimes I even get out to see friends.  Some or none of this may come out in my writing.

Along with a lack of time, I guess part of why I've lost touch with my journal has been my shrinking friends list.  It's hard to make time to update when it feels increasingly like you're just shouting into a void. So I'd love it if anyone out there who is in a similar place in life or who is into similar things would like to take a punt on my journal.  I wont promise a very active journal but I am going to try, and I'm also going to try and be a good friend in return.

It's a good job I've been with my husband for ten years, because I'd suck at filling out a dating profile.  Feel free to swipe left (or is it right...? I'm not on Tinder).

Thoughts

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:14 am
iosonochesono: (TPATF: Ambitious)
[personal profile] iosonochesono
So I was looking at bungee jumping tomorrow, or paragliding, but then I decided I didn't want to do things that would take hours of my day and make me tired for work that night.

Which is too bad, because it was so tempting.

Instead I'm going to try to go rock climbing tomorrow, and study up the certifications I'm 'ReActivating.'

I'd like to work on backpacking too. I was thinking I could start getting the gear, going to one of the local campsites on the weekend, and practice basics. Then I could do trips when I feel comfortable with the gear and believe I can make it a few days without running back to town.

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